Baby Bubble

For the past 12 days I have been living in a blissful baby bubble. I love the newborn days when I take care of my baby and my mom/husband/friends take care of me. All I need is a baby and a book (and a camera) in my comfy chair, and I'm happy. My aches and pains have subsided enough for me to stop taking medication. This past Thursday was the first time in 9 months that I have not had to swallow a single pill to fix various prego/post-prego issues. Wahoo! Now if only there was a pill to treat sleep-deprivation...

The first thing that happens when I'm sleep deprived is I get weepy and extra emotional. But even if I wasn't low on sleep, I think I'd still feel emotionally wobbly whenever I look at my darling baby Amber. It's amazing how much I LOVE her even though she did her best to kill me for 9 whole months, ha ha. She is just so perfect (said every parent of every newborn baby ever). But Amber really is a dear. I can hardly believe that I get to keep her! I also can hardly believe I was blessed with THREE amazing babies before I had to stop. One small part of me wishes I could have more kids, but the other, bigger part of me is in awe that I even got to have as many as I do. I feel so grateful for them! I love them so much, it kind of makes me feel bad for getting annoyed at Rose for not going potty when she obviously has to, or when Jay tackles Rose and makes her cry. Of course their infractions don't change how thankful and GLAD I am to have them.

This morning I looked down at my stretched-out, pregnancy-ravaged, surgery-scarred stomach and thought "Wow, you've been through a lot!" Then I thought "You have been well used, old friend. Now you're done." Maybe the second thing that happens when I'm sleep deprived is personification of inanimate objects? Whatever. Being DONE [having babies] is so strange. I'm sure this won't be the last time I ponder it. I'm 28 years old and DONE. Don't get me wrong, I'm very glad that I got my tubes tied. This isn't about regret. It just makes me feel quiet and thoughtful to realized that this is my last tiny newborn to take care of. I'm trying to relish her sweetness and her little sounds and funny faces and then let them go gently instead of mourning their loss (too much). 

I always get kind of emotional on my kids' birthdays because it's sad to think of them growing up and leaving me. Amber is not even 2 weeks old yet and I'm already feeling sniffly about her growing too fast. I try to remember Jay and Rose's babyhood and I think: did I enjoy it enough? Did I appreciate how few times I'd get to do this? Probably not at the time! That makes me never want to stop holding Amber. With Jay and Rose I was paranoid about holding them too too much because I wanted them to be able to sleep well on their own. So far with Amber, I don't care about that! I just hold her till my eyelids droop shut and then I put her down and go to bed. I don't think it's damaging her sleeping abilities, and often MY eyelids droop shut before hers do! It's good for both of us, even when she poops all over my shirt.

My baby bubble is about to burst. The Relief Society has brought its last meal. My husband has gone back to work. My Mom has come and gone (leaving behind a fridge full of food--yum yum). Today Amber and I are staying home from church, but tomorrow I have to be a real mom again--driving Jay to school, figuring out dinner, etc. People do this all the time! They have babies and then continue Normal Life. But I still feel kind of overwhelmed at the thought of being in charge of life again. Part of this feeling comes from the fact that I haven't felt "in charge" of myself for 9 months--my pathetic pregnant body dictated my every move, and I feel physically weak and kind of destroyed from it all. Another part of this feeling comes from the fact that I have to take Jay to school every day--we have Somewhere To Be at 8:50 am every morning, whether Amber is happy or not. The last part of this overwhelmed feeling comes from my rediscovery of food. I like it again! But it's been so long: 1. since I felt hungry without feeling queasy, 2. since I planned more than one meal in advance, and 3. since I cared about food at all, I hardly know where to start. I can barely tell when I'm hungry these days because the hunger is not accompanied by nausea. How am I supposed to figure out, shop for, and cook actual real dinners? It's going to be an adjustment. Thankfully there's no law that says I have to suddenly be as kitchen savvy all at once as Old Shaina was. I have time...and a hungry family. 

My baby and a book. Happy.

Long fingers.

Blonde eyelashes.

 

Hoodies.

Milky coma

 

Before and after: us girls had a beauty parlor yesterday morning. Rose picked out the bows and we did each other’s hair.

Wow, these blog posts are all over the place lately--one minute I'm all heavy and thoughtful, and the next I'm fluffy and carefree. I guess that's kind of true to the real Shaina. I think I'll go enjoy the last few hours of my baby bubble now…

My babies

One second Amber looks exactly like baby Jay, and the next she looks just like baby Rose. Then sometimes she looks like her own self.

At the hospital, left to right: Jay, Rose, Amber. Amber was our least puffy eyed baby yet. And her hair is more blonde than red.

Here are two more sets of Jay, Rose, and Amber at about the same age:

 

And now I’m going to indulge in a large round of Amber pictures. Jeff found a sweet deal on a used iPhone 5 and gave it to me for my birthday. I have to admit I kind of love the convenience of a phone with a good camera on it. I have only taken like 5 pictures of Amber on my real camera. The quality of cell phone pictures isn’t quite as good as my trusty camera, but it’s so much easier to take pictures with my phone that I usually sacrifice quality for convenience. Shocking, I know.

[Rose loves that giant crazy headband—yikes]

[sleep smiles—it’s always blurry when they’re the cutest!]

[soaking in the SVU vibes from Daddy’s sweatshirt]

One morning when I went in she was awake, quietly studying the branch hanging on her wall. I knew she’d love trees.

I love newborn skinny bodies.

Wrinkly newborn knees—my favorites!

Baby boots! Everything is cuter in baby size.

 

Angel with a sunny halo

My babies. Love.

Slice and dice

Until this week, the closest thing to surgery I had experienced was having my wisdom tooth out (I only had one wisdom tooth).

The bittersweet decision was made months ago to have my tubes tied in the hospital after Amber was born, so we had it all lined up with Dr. Weaver. At 2pm on November 5th, Jeff and Rose came to keep Amber company while I went under the knife. Dr. Weaver explained the procedure [small 1.5 inch cut under the belly button, then cut, tie, and cauterize the tubes], and the anesthesiologist explained about the spinal morphine and the "semi-conscious sedation." I felt calm all the way until I was in this bright blue refrigerated room right before the procedure. Then I realized how REAL surgery is and how much I did not like the idea of being cut open. I didn't have second thoughts about what I wanted to be done, just about the process of getting it done, if that makes any sense. Thankfully I don't remember a whole lot after that point of anxiety because of the semi-conscious sedation. The one thing I do remember is that they had music playing the whole time--it seemed rather festive for an operating room. The back of my semi-conscious mind was amused. 

I slept off and on for the whole procedure and it actually felt kind of good to be completely numb and have a nap after all the rigors of childbirth. After it was over, Dr. Weaver told us about a small...hiccup that happened when he was almost done with the surgery. Normally there is little to no bleeding in this procedure because it's such a tiny cut and all that, and he always waits for bleeding to stop before he puts things back in their place (shudder). When he let go of one part (I don't know the names of everything) an artery started bleeding, and he had to go back in, find the artery, and stitch it up. The operation took twice as long as it was supposed to! 3 hours instead of 1.5. Amber MISSED me during all that time. Because of the extra stitching, my right side is MUCH more sore than the left side and the incision under my belly button is twice as long as normal. Whew. I hope that's not too graphic or too vague. Bottom line: I'm WAY more sore than I should be. But I'm also safe! No more deathly deadly dangerous pregnancies for me! 

That calls for a brief photographic interlude:

 

It took forever for the spinal to wear off—I was so numb! It felt weird not to feel much. But when it wore off, believe me, I felt plenty. How come people who’ve had surgery always sound so nonchalant about it? It HURTS! A LOT! My stomach felt like someone had kicked it over and over. I’m so glad I never had to have a c-section. I couldn’t even lift my legs into bed it hurt so much. I had to take care of Amber all night from my bed, slightly propped up. Every time she needed a diaper change, I had to call a nurse to do it. It made me feel like the laziest person on the planet, but I really couldn’t move! It was awkward and hard to feed Amber when I couldn’t even roll to my side. BUT I survived and after lunch on the next day (Thursday) it was time to go home.

Jeff had taken my shoes (those nasty fluid-filled crocs) home to wash out for me, and he forgot to bring me other shoes. So I just wore socks and rode in a wheelchair out of the hospital. The nice nurse pushing me walked at a brisk pace across the sidewalk, and every bump jarred my stitched up stomach so much that when we got to the curb, I decided to walk in my socks across the parking lot to the car to spare myself further jostling. I made Jeff go like 1 mile per hour over all the train tracks on the drive home, and it took me forever to climb the stairs. I laughed at how different it felt to climb the stairs slowly because of pain vs. nausea. As unpleasant as pain is, I’ll take it over the nausea any day!

The one side effect of the pain that bugged me was my appetite was practically nonexistent. I starved for 9 months and couldn’t even enjoy food once it was over. Thankfully as the pain slowly receded, my appetite filled the void and now I can eat just fine. FOOD! YUM!!

I’m not healed up yet, but it’s getting better gradually. I have one more day’s worth of Vicodin and then we’ll see how things really feel without that strong medicine! And now for more Amber:

All ready to go home. She didn’t cry the whole way. Just at first.

All snuggled up in her very own soft flannel birdy blanket that I made her. Those rough hospital blankets rubbed her face raw. Now that she has softer blankets, her face is much better.

 

Jay is an old pro already. He loves her so much! Jay had Jeff give Amber a tour of each room in the house when she first came home because “then she won’t be worried or scared.”

I could look at her all day.

So I do.

Birth day!!

Amber is here, and here’s the story. I hope it’s tastefully told. I tried not to be too too graphic, but this is a baby story...

Tuesday, November 4th, 2014:
On my birthday, I had a doctor appointment at 9:15am. I agonized back and forth for the entire week before the appointment whether or not to have my membranes stripped. That just sounds bad, doesn't it? Having a finger swiped between the amniotic sac/baby's head and my pelvic floor sounded incredibly uncomfortable to me. Dr. Weaver offered to do it at last week's appointment, but I chickened out. This week, he checked found that I was dilated 4cm--two more than last week! Then I finally got brave and let him strip my membranes. And after all my worries, it didn't even hurt. It didn't feel good, but it was done in a few seconds. Then Rose and I went to the church gym for a play group with our friends. When we got home around lunchtime, I was feeling kind of crampy, which, according to my research, is normal for post-membrane-stripping.

Rose and I snuggled up for a nap after lunch, Rose on the couch, and me in my chair. Rose fell asleep in about 5 seconds flat. My cramps kept me awake for a while and then they started to feel more contraction-ish. I had about 3 contractions in that hour before giving up on the nap idea. I was still in my chair when another contraction came. It was a tight one but I had just spent the last hour convincing myself that I was not in labor, so I thought nothing of it until...POP! My water broke. It was 3pm.

I sat in my chair for a split second, processing the sensation that I just sat on a large, full water balloon and popped it--it felt just like when my water broke with Jay. I swear there was an audible popping sound. I said "ohmygoodness, did that just HAPPEN?" and quickly heaved my pregnantness out of the recliner to save the upholstery. I managed to make it to the bathroom before the flowing fluids seeped out into my socks and onto the floor. Rose actually stepped in it before I warned her. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to bring my phone with me. 

I stood there in a puddle of...Amber juice...and called Jeff to get him on his way home from Sunnyside (a 20 minute scooter ride). The next 20 minutes I kind of just stewed in my puddle and wondered what to do next. I felt so scatterbrained and jittery--was this happening?? I texted Dr. Weaver and called my sister Em and freaked her out a little, hee hee. Then the contractions APPEARED. BOOM. I used a contraction timing app to time about 5 of them and they were suddenly 2-3 minutes apart, 45 seconds long each. There's nothing quite like a zero to sixty labor. I felt a kind of panicky "ahh! I'm not ready for labor! I don't want to do this right now! OWWW!" I called the Whites and Dan and Leslie came right over to take care of the kids. 

I was still seeping and standing in the bathroom when Jeff arrived. He brought me a towel, and I contrived to spare our carpet any lasting damage on my way to the car. Dan and Jeff gave me a very quick priesthood blessing while I stood in the middle of the floor with a towel between my legs. Then it was off to the hospital. It was so surreal! I had been waiting for this and suffering for 279 days so of course it felt surreal! On the way to the hospital (a 15 minute drive) those contractions picked it up a notch and I was just gushing fluid all over the place. I had one of those big hosptial pads to sit on, but it was saturated in seconds, along with the towel. So I sat in a puddle on top of the waterproof barrier in the van, sloshing slightly with the motion of the vehicle. OW contractions! 

When we got to the hospital, my pants were soaked and there were puddles squelching in my crocs when I walked. It was so cliche and absurd that I was kind of laughing at myself between horrific contractions. We slowly made our way across the parking lot and into the hospital, where they told us we were supposed to go to the ER to check in, even though it was still regular business hours. How were we supposed to know that? There was NO WAY I was about to walk around to find the ER. So we made our way towards the labor and delivery department, figuring they'd take care of our non-checked-in status. Or at least catch my baby. The lady from the front desk chased after us and said we had to go to the ER, and then left us standing there. Finally Jeff said loudly, CAN SOMEONE TELL US WHERE TO GO PLEASE? MY WIFE IS IN LABOR! And a nice man in scrubs led us not to the ER, but right where we were headed in the first place--labor and delivery. 

Luckily, Dr. Weaver had called ahead and they were mostly expecting us. I changed and peed in one more infernal cup and then eased myself onto the bed, where the nurse checked me and shocked me with the news "you're complete." As in completely dilated. Umm, come again? It was just over an hour after my water broke. Where was my doctor?? They went and called him. He was finishing up his last patient at the clinic in Grandview (that glorious 15 minute drive). He must've sped on the drive over because he appeared remarkably quickly and the room was all bustling for a baby. I kind of felt push-y but not 100% but I figured let's get this over with, so I pushed once and then Dr. Weaver felt inside and said that nope, I actually still had 2 cm left to dilate!! Noooo! If I was a mean laboring woman, I would have probably had some choice words for him at that point. But I was feeling really pathetic and exhausted and in agony. So I just deflated and sank back in disappointment. He offered me an epidural. I had to do some careful thinking in my frazzled pained state, and I ended up saying no to the epidural. I managed to find my little voice of logic waaaaay back deep in my head. It told me that when I'm at 8 cm things go FAST. So I said no. 3 contractions later, I was 10cm for real and 3 more pushing contractions after that, I was looking at baby Amber. I’m happy to share birthdays with her.

She was born at 4:52pm, less than 2 hours after my water broke. It was FAST and FURIOUS. The pain was intense. In my other two deliveries sans pain medication, I felt the contractions all over my stomach, top to bottom. Breathing helped relieve the pressure and agony a little. But this time, I felt 90% of the contraction deep down low so all the careful breathing in the world did nothing to relieve the agony. I still gasped for air, but it didn't have much effect. The other thing that was different from Jay and Rose's births this time was when Amber was coming out, she felt enormous and bony and it HURT! Even after her head came out, OW! I swear, I felt every bone as it emerged. But then she was out and for the first time ever I miraculously did not have any tearing! I also survived labor without throwing up! Firsts all over the place. 

Amber Kay White was born November 4th, 2014 at 4:52pm. She weighed 7 lbs 9 oz and was 21.25 inches long. Our biggest baby yet by half a pound and 2 inches! We love her so much. Grampa Dan and Grama Leslie brought Jay and Rose over to visit about 2 hours after Amber was born. While our family of 5 was together for the first time, I just laid there and basked in it. It felt wonderful to be not pregnant and have all my sweet faces around me. Postpartum euphoria set in and practically made me float through the next few hours. It's just so easy to be happy when I'm not pregnant! I felt like a giant heavy weight had been lifted from not only my body but also my soul! Does that sound cheesy? It's the only way I can describe the relief I feel now that I'm un-pregnant.

 

“Hi, Amber! I’m your big sister!” That’s the first thing Rose said to Amber when she held her. Love. Jay and Rose were SO excited to see Amber and hold her. They put their grubby hands all over her soft head and talked to her and held her. Happy Mommy heart.

I think Grama and Grampa were pretty excited to see Amber too.

 

Jeff left with the kids for the night around 7pm, and it was just Amber and me. I ate a refrigerated hospital sandwich and called my Mom. Then it was baby loving time. That first night alone together in the hospital is one of the things I was most looking forward to for the whole pregnancy. I love snuggling with my new baby and ignoring everything else. This time it was a little bit different than the night of my dreams. When I nursed Amber, I started having MAJORLY painful cramps. They made my whole body shake and suddenly I found myself puking. Yep. I survive labor without so much as a gag and then the simple act of feeding my baby set me off. I ended up receiving 1000mg of liquid Tylenol plus a shot of my beloved frenemy, Zofran, through my IV. After a little bit I stabilized but I felt yucky for most of the night. There was no food for me to eat except another refrigerated sandwich or some cold cereal in a cup. And I only had till 4am to eat before my pre-surgery fast began. I managed to eat two very unsatisfactory cups of cereal before then. I spent Wednesday morning astounded at how good I felt physically--low bleeding, happy mood, no nausea. I felt great in spite of being hungry and thirsty. My body can do amazing things when its not pregnant! 

Sweetface.

AMBER IS HERE! SHE’S HERE! SHE’S HERE! SHE’S HERE!

WAHOOOOOOO!

[next up: postpartum tubal ligation]

Halloween

Quick side note: something about being 8.99 months pregnant brings out my sarcastic un-amused side. Sorry. I’m not a naturally cynical or vindictive person, I’ve just been pregnant, nauseous, exhausted, and completely uncomfortable for 276 days straight. It wears on a body. So the following views on Halloween are probably as exaggerated from Normal Shaina’s thoughts as my giant stomach is exaggerated from Normal Shaina’s stomach [maybe]:

 
                                                                 [5wks vs. 38wks]

This belly was not feeling very festive on October 31st, 2014. But it survived Halloween anyhow, somehow. I decided that “some are born liking Halloween, some adore Halloween, and others have Halloween thrust upon them.” I put myself in the third category. Living in the Halloween Hotspot of Grandview definitely thrusts way more of the costumed candy customs onto me than I would normally choose for myself. I know I don’t have to participate, but I don’t want to be that lame. I just wish that we could drive to our ward’s trunk or treat, have a pleasant hour and a half of Halloweeniness with our friends and then come home and be done with it. Instead we had the first trick or treaters ringing our doorbell incessantly during dinner at 5:15pm. I did my best to put on a cheerful face and say nice things about the costumes while passing out expensive sugar to mostly ungrateful Spidermen and Elsas. Thankfully I think I tricked most treaters in that way.

Just like last year, I purchased two bags of 150-piece Hershey’s variety mix candy at Costco, for a total of $30—the max I could bear to invest in the stuff. We gave one piece per person, and when Jeff was at the door he refused to give candy to high schoolers. The candy was gone in 2 hours. When Jay and Rose got back from trick or treating with their modest 1/3-full buckets, I let them each pick 5 pieces of candy to save and one to eat right away, and then they willingly dumped their candy into the bowl to hand out. And then they happily handed out candy the rest of the night. Biased parent alert: Jay and Rose are AWESOME! As usual, I don’t know how much of it is nature and how much is nurture. But they are great. Anyways, if you add up those numbers, we had at least 350 trick or treaters at our door in two hours. We put up our “out of candy” signs at 7:20pm, when the neighborhood was still positively crawling with trick or treaters.

So really, we only had to deal with invasive trick or treating for 2 hours (unless  you count the kids who rang the doorbell in spite of our out-of-candy signs). But we could still hear all that movement outside and it felt like we had to batten the hatches and hide from the candy-seekers once we they had cleaned us out.

WHEW. It wasn’t all bad:

 

Harry Potter and Cinderella were excited. This year I did not have the brain cells to invent costumes for the kids like I normally enjoy doing, so it was off to Goodwill for us. And we scored these great costumes for $5 each! I have an inexplicable prejudice against mass-produced store-bought costumes, but I was pleased that Jay and Rose did not look too generic. And they loved their costumes. Rose felt so beautiful, I could tell. Jay felt powerful. He drew on his own scar, nice and thick. Uh-oh, these costumes were so easy and inexpensive that I may go back to Goodwill again next year…who needs homemade costumes anyways?

[I may or may not have snacked on a Reese’s or two while I was handing out candy]

The cousins visited us! Layne was a mouse and Tate was a cat. And yes, Jeff dressed up in his Regency tailcoat that I made him for Valentine’s Day this year. He wore it to school all day too. All he needs are some polished Hessian boots (and maybe a cravat that’s not made of an old curtain hem) and he’d be a true gentleman of the ton. Yes I’m reading a Georgette Heyer right now. Ok, maybe homemade costumes are worth it after all.

Maybe Halloween isn’t so bad after all either.