Jumping for joy

This week I had an epiphany: if I took pictures with Jeff's fancy pants camera then 90% of them would probably not be grainy or blurry like all of my current snapshots. So I had Jeff give me a quick run-down on his big clunky camera and on Monday I started making the effort to haul it out when I felt a photographic fancy. Hello, crisp pretty pictures! I used the auto settings and they worked beautifully!

I think it's called a Pentax K-X camera.

Nearly every single picture I took was perfect, so instead of sitting there scrolling through searching for a non-fuzzy picture, I was sitting there trying to figure out why I didn't start using Jeff's camera when he got it five years ago. It's giant and heavy and therefore not easily portable, but that's fine if I'm just using it at home and I don't have to lug it around town. Another obvious realization by Shaina. I don't plan on using Jeff's camera exclusively, but it is really nice to have the option and the ability to get clear indoor pictures. Here's our Tuesday afternoon:

Rose's life is one long art project. The intensity!

We made our way out to the trampoline in the gorgeous fall sunshine. Amber's hand-me-down Halloween jammies were too cute to change out of so she wore them all day.

Pure joy: Rose jumping on the tramp with her golden hair flying free. I must confess to a wee bit of editing on these Rose pictures. I used the photo viewer on Windows 10 to adjust the light quickly --I don't know how to do much else.

My little punkin-belly.

Sisters. I could hardly believe they BOTH looked AND smiled at the same time. There's a first time for everything.

Back inside for Amber's nap.

It's that time of year where I drool over all of the gorgeous professional family pictures that my friends post. As usual, I feel certain that THIS will be the year that we finally get a good one. But am I the only one who can't bring myself to pay hundreds of dollars for someone to take my family's picture? Seriously! I adore the beautiful pictures those pros take, but I simply cannot justify the cost, especially when we have a perfectly good camera already. Why are photographers so expensive? The cheapest one I've heard of around here charges $150 for a one hour photo shoot. I know they edit the pictures too, but what are they, surgeons? Google just informed me that the average doctor makes roughly $80 per hour (of course that's just Google, but still). That's close to HALF of what photographers charge! I know so many people who have their own photography business, and I'm not trying to insult them or downplay their skill/time/effort. I love their pictures! I just can't pay for them. I'd be more interested in paying for a straight-up photo shoot: show up, hand the photographer my memory card, have him/her take some pictures, and then take the memory card home with me right then. That would be much more up my alley. Maybe I should join the throngs and become a photographer too! It's my niche in the market at last! No-fluff Photography. That's my company name. No editing, $20 per photo shoot. BYOMC--bring your own memory card. I'd be bankrupt in a month! haha. Maybe.

Next week we'll probably be getting out our tripod, assembling our reluctant children, goofing off in front of the camera together for 15 minutes, and hoping for the best like usual.

Pumpkin carving

We finally carved our pumpkins tonight. We normally carve them for family home evening on the Monday night closest to Halloween, but we completely forgot to do them this Monday, and last night I was at a primary girls activity day so tonight it was--3 nights before Halloween. I have to say, the older I get, the less fun pumpkin carving gets. It felt a whole lot more like work than play tonight. Maybe it's the fact that Jeff and I each have to basically do the kids' pumpkins for them. Maybe it's the MESS that has to be cleaned up. Maybe it was the 12 push ups I randomly did this morning that made my arms all weak and wobbly when I tried stabbing a knife into a hard pumpkin. I think it's all of the above. Plus, everything is harder after 5pm with kids on a weeknight. 

Jeff and I nobly set aside our various forms of fatigue and managed to whip out four pumpkin faces in an hour. They weren't the most detailed of designs, but they still glow with a candle inside. Jay and Rose helped scoop out the slimy seeds and guts with grimaces. Then they turned the rest over to their tired parents. I have a friend whose family only carves ONE pumpkin per year: each family member adds a feature to the same pumpkin till everyone has had a turn. As much as I love a porch full of orange glowing pumpkins, I kind of want to adopt that one-pumpkin tradition next year...

They both gave their pumpkins lots of "freckles" with the pointy tool (aka Jay and Rose, pumpkin slayers) Also: white pumpkins are apparently orange inside. Cool! Jay and Rose got their pumpkins from Grama Leslie and Grampa Dan's garden this  year. We bought the other three small one-dollar ones at Bill's as a token of thanks for letting us take darling baby pictures in their pumpkin patch.

This little punkin-belly skipped a nap today and went to bed early tonight, sleeping soundly through all of our pumpkin carving carnage.

The big pumpkins' candles got snuffed somehow before I took this picture, and it was drizzly-wet outside so we left them dark on our doorstep.

Orange is such a festive fall color!

The Primary Program

Today Jay and Rose had their primary program at church. Before church today I took videos of Jay and Rose saying their parts, for posterity. They seemed so old, all dressed up and reciting gospel principles. Sniff.

This was the first time in seven years that I was NOT involved in the primary program in any way. I was a primary teacher for four years and I wrote the program for the other three years. But this year, while I do technically have a primary calling working with the activity day girls, I was not involved in the arduous practicing and repetitive singing of the primary program prep. It was a treat! I loved listening to all the songs and spoken parts. I loved not knowing what was coming next! I felt the spirit! It was so fun simply to watch. For the first time in seven years I understood why everyone always says that the primary program is their favorite sacrament meeting of the year. It was awesome! Kids have such a pure spirit when they sing and talk about Jesus. They shine. We soaked up their glow. It was sweet!

This was Rose's first primary program, even though she is the absolute tallest Sunbeam ever. I think I said that about Jay when he was a Sunbeam, but Rose is a full inch taller at this age than Jay was. She's a whole head taller than the other two kids in her class. We could see her up front very well, singing her heart out nice n loud. The small Sunbeam class of three was supposed to say the first Article of Faith all together in the microphone. Rose had it all memorized perfectly. But when they got up to the podium, the teacher was whispering the words at them and only one of the three kids had his face by the microphone and Rose and the other girl seemed to think that they had to take turns in the microphone, so only the one boy said their part. I was kind of sad for Rose because she did such a good job memorizing her part and never got to say it in the microphone. But thankfully she didn't notice too much. I think she was saying it up there but not in the microphone--it was hard to tell. Anyways, Rose was confident and not a smidgen nervous. She knew at least 70% of all the songs, and sang them all too, even the ones that were supposed to be done in parts--haha. Everyone told us that Rose was "very expressive," probably referring to her dancing and wiggling that got progressively more energetic as the meeting went on.

Jay is a primary program veteran now, on his third one this year. His part was a fill in the blank: "I follow Jesus Christ by_____." At first he only said one word in the blank, but I encouraged him to at least think of one other thing to say because he is so good at speaking. Every time he said his part it changed a little. So during the program today he ended up saying "I can obey Jesus Christ by going to the temple and praying to Heavenly Father and Jesus." The video I took of him this morning was a slight variation of this. While Jay was sitting with his class up front, he made the funniest faces! Jeff and I were silently laughing our heads off. He wasn't trying to be silly, he was just letting his wiggles out with facial expressions--or at least that's what it looked like to us. A lot of them were grimaces or eyebrows up and lots of them looked like bored expressions. Ha! When Jay was standing in line with his class waiting for his turn at the microphone, he looked out and found me sitting in the middle of the chapel. He raised his hand about waist high and did a tiny little wave and a tiny little grin. I raised my hand to chest level and did a tiny little wave and smiled back at him. My boy.

I love that this is the pose they chose.

 I couldn't resist the triple ponytail doo on Amber. She ripped it out in the car on the way to church, but at least I tried.

Early birthday visit

My sweet-wonderful-awesome-happy-helpful-BEST-EVER mom came to visit us on Wednesday this week. It was an early birthday present to me. She came bearing a cooler full of food and we spent the day talking amidst all of Rose's demands. We talked while Grama Meri drew pictures with Rose. We talked while we built with blocks with Rose. We talked while we cleaned up the jam jar I accidentally dropped and shattered all over the kitchen floor, ha. We talked while we ate tasty BBQ sandwiches that she brought for lunch. My mom even brought special creams and a foot bath and gave me a birthday foot and hand treatment! Massages and soaking and moisturizing: my mother knows me well. It was heaven.

We walked to meet Jay on his way home from school. Did I mention that Jay now walks home from school by himself? It's the best thing ever! Amber can sleep longer if she needs to and we love the anticipation of waiting for Jay to burst through the door. But he wanted to see Grama Meri as soon as possible so we met him halfway home and walked back with him. My mom brought us heavenly Thai food for dinner and cheesecake for dessert. It was a perfect birthday visit! Foot rub, Thai food, cheesecake. Mom KNOWS. She hugged us all and left after dinner to drive the 2.75 hours back home.

This is the time of year that I love the most but that makes me the most homesick for my Appalachians. Every autumn I find myself drooling over pictures of the gorgeous leaves of Virginia and feeling a little sad that we ended up in this brown crispy area. But then my mom came over to visit for the day and once again I remembered all of the things I DO love about living here: FAMILY, friends, fruit, and the big wide sky.

FOOT RUBS! [Rose got one too]

Rose was being bossy with her castle so we retreated to the other side of the room and constructed an enchanted forest: I built a train track through the mess of blocks and we added small castles and trees and collections of animals along the track. It doesn't look like much, but we worked on it for a whole hour! It's really hard to build anything when all of the blocks are mixed together, so we embraced the chaos and worked with it.

Amber warmed up to Grama Meri for the first time, and it was so sweet! Amber dropped her apple at lunch and Grama gave it back to her. After that, Amber trusted her. She gave my mom an arm workout with all her demands to be picked up.

WE LOVE GRAMA MERI! 

The best birthday present was her presence.

The least refreshing run ever

Jeff was off work today so I had the rare freedom to go on a run that was:

1. in the morning
2. by myself
3. anywhere I wanted.

It was a cool 48 degrees when I stepped out onto our driveway, and I felt the pleasant anticipation of a refreshing 4 miles on a route that I haven't been able to run in months. But alas, it was not meant to be. I ran the four miles, yes, but it was quite possibly the least refreshing run ever! One four letter word explains why: DOGS. There were SEVEN new, unexpected dogs on this route today. SEVEN new dogs have moved in along those roads since the last time I ran there.

The first mile was lovely, crisp, and I was starting to warm up and feel my inner zen align. I could see Mt. Adams on the horizon, the sun was shining, and the apple orchards were calm and leafy. Beautiful! Early in the second mile, I heard some far-off barking and thought nothing of it--barking is a common enough occurrence around here, and far-off barking is rarely cause for alarm. But then suddenly the barking got closer and closer and out of the previously serene orchard burst not one, not two, but FOUR barking dogs. Three of them were small, one was medium sized. They circled around me, barking and lunging. Thankfully they weren't snarling, but STILL. My first instinct, as always, was to sprint out of there as fast as I could, but all too many experiences have taught me that I can't run faster than a dog, and the odds of me tripping on a dog and falling increase in direct relation to how many dogs are present. I have tried almost everything in barking-chasing-dogs-on-the-run situations. I have:

1. yelled as loudly as I can
2. run away as fast as I can
3. run away as fast as I can while yelling as loudly as I can
4. turned around and run away as fast as I can as soon as I saw a dog up ahead
5. turned around and run away as fast as I can while yelling as loudly as I can
6. kicked at the dogs
7. kicked dogs in the jaw (and flipped them over backwards)
8. kicked dogs in the ribs (and sent them rolling away)
9. growled back and charged at the dogs
10. thrown rocks at the dogs
11. kicked rocks at the dogs
12. carried a high-pitched dog training whistle to distract them
13. carried a water gun filled with vinegar to squirt in their faces
14. shouted at blank probably empty houses to "TIE UP YOUR DOGS!"
15. freaked out
16. acted like I am the dog's friend (so not worth it)
17. shouted at the dogs in English
18. shouted at the dogs in Spanish
19. bulldozed dogs with a jogging stroller
20. extended my stride and clipped the dog's chin with my trailing foot

I have tried all 20 of these things multiple times. The success rate of my various dog coping techniques actually stopping the dogs without excessive energy expenditure or danger on my part is a low 10%, probably less.

I have not tried:

1. picking up the dogs and throwing them
2. carrying a firearm or pellet gun
3. knocking on their owners' door
4. calling animal control (I don't usually run with my phone)
5. carrying mace
 6. lassoing the creatures and slinging them up on the telephone wire

Some of these things sound cruel, but they are mostly said in fun, with only a slight hint of malice in the back of my throat. I know I have some shred of doggy humanity in me because I have seen a dog that was chasing me get hit and killed by a car three feet away from me, and I remember feeling bad about it. I'm not completely heartless! Although today I found myself wishing for an oblivious speeding vehicle to take out two or three of the pack around me...

I have also received advice from others:
My father in law carries doggy treats and feeds would-be attackers while riding his bike.
My friend runs with a giant dog of her own to ward off unwanted canines.
My husband stops and defends himself with various primitive methods.
My friend stops and walks because she says dogs don't chase when you're too slow.

My heart has never been soft enough to carry TREATS for my sharp-toothed assailants. I refuse to have a dog of my own, and all I want to do when confronted by an angry beast is to get OUT of there. Today I decided to try walking so when I was assaulted by those four dogs on my run, I gathered my courage, suppressed my fight-or-flight instinct, and walked. I could not resist the urge to yell and kick rocks at the creatures while walking, but I walked. The seemed far less excited about me when I was walking, and one even ran away. The other three persisted with the barking and the circling, but the situation was slightly less hard to manage on my part while I was walking because I wasn't worried about tripping on a dog and falling closer to those teeth since I was moving more slowly. So the stop and walk method was still terrifying--I had an enormous adrenaline spike and I was so scared I nearly cried--but finally the dogs stopped circling and barking, and I was able to continue running.

That one encounter was enough to completely destroy my run. My nerves were utterly jangled. I spent the next few minutes thinking venomous things about dogs and their inconsiderate negligent owners. My inner zen was SHOT. Up ahead again: barking. It was barely 3 or 4 minutes after the last encounter and suddenly I saw three new dogs charging towards me. I wanted to turn back and give up on this cursed run altogether, but I didn't want to go back to the four dogs I had just left! I was trapped! Instantly I stopped running. The dogs stopped on the other side of the street and barked but didn't circle me or come any closer. I started running, and they charged. I stopped, and they stopped. So I walked slowly in front of their long yard and house, cursing them for ruining my run even further.

Adrenaline is useful while it's flowing, but then when the moment passes, I'm always left with an energy slump. Experiencing multiple adrenaline spikes in one short mile of running killed my energy for the rest of the route. For the rest of the run after the terror of those seven dogs, I never found that sweet spot in my pace where I could cruise along without thinking about it.

And the dogs weren't the only source of adrenaline spikes on this doomed run. During the third mile, a black car driving at least 50 miles per hour zoomed towards me, hardly going around me at all. Then right when it was next to me, the driver HONKED his horn. RUDE RUDE RUDE!!!! Talk about heart attack! Never honk at runners unless they aren't following pedestrian laws. It is terrifying to be peacefully jogging along one second and then honked loudly at the next! Horns are way louder on the outside of the car than they sound inside. If you must say hi to a runner, roll down the window and communicate the old fashioned way: with your voice!

I was a mess by that point in my run. I had no choice but to keep going though, because my route was a loop and the only way home was to keep on going. A loud tractor slowly approached from behind and passed me. It was so loud that I did not notice the pony that decided to chase me until its galloping brown body flashed into my peripheral vision. That was startling, but in a cute way because the pony was little and fuzzy and in a fence. And equines are my favorites.

Wshoo, my would-be blissful, free run turned into a nightmare thanks to irresponsible pet owners. If people want pets, FINE. But they need to take responsibility for their animals and restrain them. For the last two miles of my run today I was puzzling over who was more to blame: the negligent owners or the stupid dogs themselves. In the moment a dog is chasing me, I hate both equally. I'm not saying I dislike all dogs or all dog owners. We just have an incredibly high unfenced dog population around here. Owners who do not or cannot keep their dogs under control should not keep them; it's as simple as that. I told Jeff it's a miracle that I have stuck with running for all these years that we've lived in the Yakima Valley, because it is NOT fun to run here. It's dangerous, scary, and stressful. At one point on my run today I was thinking back longingly to my days in Virginia where my biggest fears on a run were tripping over a root or seeing a snake. I am terrified of snakes. If you know me, you know how radical and desperate I must be to wish for a snake on a run. After all my doggy-doomsday runs here, a silent, slithery snake sitting in my path seems so tame I can hardly believe how easy it sounds. Just go around it. Live and let live. Dogs can't do that.

I know that being chased by dogs while running is not the biggest problem in the world, and it's not the biggest problem that I've ever faced either. But it sure is an annoying one and I had to siphon off some of my dog-angst somewhere. In 20 years when we're living in our dream cabin in the Appalachians surrounded by miles of twisting trails and tranquil trees, I'm sure I'll look back on this and chuckle. But not today!

Can you believe dogs even MESS with this?

This was all rather negative. I hate how running around here is more often negative than positive. I want to be nice and happy and positive! The next post will be happier, I promise!

Unless a dog bites me.

Vital and essential

Tonight I read the most powerful paragraph from President Monson's most recent general conference talk:

"Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. I reiterate what we have been told repeatedly—that in order to gain and to keep the faith we need, it is essential that we read and study and ponder the scriptures. Communication with our Heavenly Father through prayer is vital. We cannot afford to neglect these things, for the adversary and his hosts are relentlessly seeking for a chink in our armor, a lapse in our faithfulness."
--President Thomas S. Monson, October 2015 General Conference

After I read that I realized that I hadn't prayed before I started reading, so I stopped and prayed. While I prayed I felt the spirit teaching me. I have had that happen before--while I'm trying to figure out what to pray for/how to say it, the spirit shows me the way and answers my concern. Tonight my concern was that I never really got the chance to serve a mission and have that amazing time where I'm 100% dedicated to learning and teaching the gospel, and I have even less of the right kind of time for meaningful scripture study in my life right now. I've always felt a little sad that I didn't get the chance to experience a mission since I got married first, even though I know getting married was the right choice. And oddly enough, I sometimes even feel two not-so-admirable things about how I didn't get to serve a mission:

1. Sometimes I feel envious of all the knowledge, lessons, service, love, and experience that full time missionaries gain/give. What riches!!
2. Sometimes I feel kind of second-class spiritually because I never experienced the incredible sacrifice and exertion it takes to serve a full-time mission. Even though I know that the church is true and I love it (and of course my brain knows that those who don't get to serve missions are in no way second class spiritually), I find myself often wistfully thinking about how much MORE I'd know and be if I had served a mission! 

These thoughts were stirred again tonight when I read my sister Mel's weekly email from the MTC tonight. I'm so happy for her and all she's learning and doing! It gives me a little ache even, that feeling of right and goodness that I get when I read about her mission so far. I guess the contrast between the hours and hours missionaries study the gospel and the mere handful of minutes I scrape together each day to read scriptures is what got to me. The never-ending question came back: am I doing enough?

In my prayer tonight after reading what President Monson said, I was asking for help to keep studying and pondering every day, even though it's really hard to find enough consecutive quiet minutes with kids around. The spirit gave me such a beautiful thought: whether or not I served a mission nearly 10 years ago is not relevant right now: what's important right now is that I keep on studying and pondering and praying. Keep on building my testimony and keep on seeking and gaining further light and knowledge NOW. The gospel is all about improving and moving forward and growing better, not about looking back at what and where we used to be!

Taken at face value, these things are pretty obvious and normal, but they struck a chord with me and felt very profound tonight. That's the wonderful thing about having the spirit's help with scripture study: it helps me see those obvious, normal things with new eyes and helps me understand them more deeply.

Reading and pondering the scriptures every day essential. Prayer is vital. The adversary is relentless. Those are strong words. They are also true words. I hope I can remember how essential and vital searching, pondering, and praying are. They are my weapons against relentless evil!

Participation

While I was snuggling with Jay at bedtime tonight, he said "I want to stay with the spirit for my whole life." I told him I did too. This boy! Jay makes me feel like I am doing something right as a parent.

Lately I have been feeling accosted by inadequacies, small stresses, and uncertainties regarding what to do and how much to do--the old should vs. good battle is raging once more. My guiding lights are these two principles: the gospel is true no matter what, and family comes first. Even with that knowledge firmly planted in my mind and heart, certain decisions are still incredibly hard to make. I have felt this particularly in two areas this week: church activities and housekeeping.

Last week we just happened to have three Relief Society activities: Tuesday night was a ward RS craft night. Thursday night was a stake RS dinner and meeting. Saturday morning was an RS humanitarian sewing project. I went to zero of these activities. I had plenty of good reasons not to go. I also had plenty of good reasons TO go. I know that three activities in one week is excessive and rare for the Relief Society. But then I got a text from our bishop asking Jeff and I to attend a special marriage class being held on Sunday nights at 6:30pm, possibly for the next six weeks. SIX WEEKS? No nursery was planned for the kids. The message said that they wanted good young couples to attend the class, and I wondered how on earth any "good young couples" would be able to without any kind of childcare! Not to mention that my baby usually goes to bed around 6 or 6:30pm on Sunday nights, exhausted after a sleepless 3 hour block of afternoon church. Once again, I chose not to attend a church activity.

There's ONE MORE--yes, another: at church today an autumn harvest dinner was announced--it's happening in two weeks, and it's adults only. ADULTS ONLY! It's a ward sponsored date night and we went once a few years ago. It was fun and nice, but...we live 20 minutes from the nearest babysitter and that's a whole lot of driving to pick up/drop off the babysitter, plus it's not like we can really afford to pay babysitters right and left anyways. There's always a reason, I know. I have just been feeling kind of battered and bruised by the FIVE non-family-friendly church activities in a mere two weeks! I agree that it's perfectly ok to leave my kids every now and then, but five times for a non-obligation in such a short period is too much, and not just for the kids--for me too! [wait till you have a high schooler, you say--I know, I know] I'm not criticizing the church or our amazing leaders in any way; I'm just trying to figure out my SELF and make sure I'm on the right side of the line. Jeff has had to tell me that I'm not a slacker and I'm a good person so many times this week! I know that, and I also know that this kind of guilt/disquiet does not come from the Lord. But it's still hard to weather the storm of second-guessing! Somehow, deciding to miss church activities makes me feel naughty, even if it's a completely optional activity and I'm doing something more important like taking care of my family instead.

So, this week, I helped with the primary girls activity day (my current church calling) for two hours on Tuesday afternoon, leaving my kids with Steph while I was gone. That is my assignment--activity days--so I feel like it is right to make it work and DO IT, even if it involves leaving my kids and all that. As for the Relief Society activities this week: I felt perfectly fine missing the first activity because Jeff was gone at parent teacher conferences and couldn't watch the kids. Then the doubts started creeping in. I had the hardest time deciding not to go to the stake activity on Thursday. It felt so selfish not to want to drive all that way and eat a dubious dinner with relative strangers. The introvert in me gets socially fried very easily, and I had already gone to the playgroup that morning! Part of the decision-making difficulty was due to the fact that I know there are more reasons to go to a church activity than just the selfish ones. Maybe I don't need to get anything out of it, but maybe I can help someone else while I'm there, you know? So I felt DOUBLY selfish for deciding not to go. It was tricky. I called my understanding, sympathetic mother and she was very understanding and sympathetic.

And church activities are not all about duty! They are about supporting others and fellowshipping and being uplifted! So many good things. It's hard to choose not to participate in a GOOD THING. But in my current stage of life, staying home simply trumps so many other activities. It is the best good thing. My natural introverted tendency is to prefer staying home anyways, and that adds another dimension to the uncertainty when I try to decide whether or not to go somewhere. Often I feel like I'm shooting blind with these decisions! When I decided to stay home on Thursday night, it wasn't so I could take care of my kids--Jeff was home. I stayed home for myself. I felt mentally and socially exhausted and the thought of a 3 hour (including driving time in a carpool) social event was daunting enough to completely deter my participation.

Onto the housekeeping dilemma: I know it will never really end until I'm old and my kids are grown and gone. I know that and I'm mostly ok with that. I am learning to embrace the chaos (people with more kids fascinate me--stalwart souls, those parents). BUT. The house does still need to be cleaned every now and then. Every time I've cleaned the kids' toilet this year, it has had black growth in it. EEW! Shamefully disgusting. Seriously, I never thought things would go that far. But it happened, and not just once--multiple times in a row. I consider myself a clean person. I feel most comfortable when things around me are clean--not necessarily tidy--but not dirty or smelly, you know? I can handle Jay's room with legos scattered all over the floor (mostly) but I can't handle it when there are dirty socks and shirts mixed in with the legos.

When I was pregnant with Amber, I physically couldn't clean the house, and other kind amazing people came and did it for me every time it got bad. Now my only excuse is I'd rather do more important things, like draw pictures with Rose and play on the floor with Amber, than clean things. But I want to teach my kids how to clean and the importance of cleanliness. But every time I do manage to clean something, it gets ten times dirtier within the hour (e.g. THE KITCHEN) and I feel more stressed watching my hard work go down the drain. I feel like I'm drowning in dishes, crumbs, and toothpaste. It totally stresses me out lots of times. I'm trying to find a compromise with myself so that I can let some things go and not do everything every day or even every week. It's hard!

I'm working on finding the balance between messy, dirty, clean, and tidy. I keep wanting to find a formula or develop a personal policy or schedule to follow so that I always clean certain things at certain times at regular intervals. But anyone who's had small kids knows that NOTHING is certain or regular, so there's no way to set those guidelines. My current plan of attack that worked last week is to chose ONE housework/cleaning project to do per day, and then let everything else go. Any other job I do is a bonus! Some days I didn't even manage to do the one cleaning project, but mostly it worked to have a short to-do list: one job per day all week equals five chores done! One thing is for sure: I never feel bad for choosing to spend time with my family over cleaning the house. That's something. FYI--when I choose not to clean I'm not always choosing to be with my kids... sometimes I'm choosing to read a book or write an impossibly long circuitous blog post.

This whole conundrum is not only about participation vs. non-participation or clean vs. dirty. It's also about my attitude. I've noticed that often if I decide not to do something, whether it's a church activity or cleaning a toilet, I have to almost distance myself from the thing I'm not doing and make it into something not worth my while. Does that make sense? For example, this week I found myself saying things like "I can't believe there are three Relief Society activities in one week! That was bad planning. They shouldn't have done that." But just because I'm choosing not to attend the activity--for whatever reason--doesn't mean that the activity/planners are not good or worthwhile! I think that's a root of my disquiet concerning my decisions not to attend recent activities. I don't like being negative, especially regarding anything church related. I love the church! I hope I can choose to go or not go to activities without being negative. New goal.

It all goes back to my need to OWN the decisions I make: choose what's best for me and my family in the situation and have confidence in my decision. No need for negative reasoning or excuses; simply OWN the decision and move along.

Another bottom line: I always do my best to do what is required: go to church (when we're healthy and able), fill my calling responsibilities, and serve others when I can. The rest is a case-by-case, day-by-day decision.

Ok, those are my ponderings. This has been bugging me all week. I feel like I have somewhat ironed out my thoughts on the matter. Did I explore every corner? Nope, but I'm all worn out from figuring this much out, so I think I'll leave it here for now.

Tonight after dinner we decided to play Scrabble Junior. Amber went to bed at 6:30pm exhausted from church, so it was Jay, Rose, Jeff and me. It was a perfect game for us to play together--just enough challenge to keep it interesting, but just simple enough that the kids could play and understand as well. Jay won! We had pumpkin cookies! It was a happy family moment and it warmed my heart. I was amused at how much less competitive Sunday night family Scrabble was than Sunday night spouse Scrabble. Ha!

If you made it through all that, congratulations. My musings are wordy.

Fall fun

Fall is my favorite time of year. It has taken a while to cool all the way off to acceptable fall temperatures this year, but this week it finally happened. I love long golden fall afternoons--the sun really is more golden right now than it is the rest of the year. Maybe it's all in my head, maybe there's an astronomy-based explanation, or maybe it's just a GIFT after a long blazing summer. Whatever the reason, I'll take that golden autumn sunshine and enjoy it. Fall in the Yakima Valley is nothing compared to fall in the Shenandoah Valley, but I can still find comfort and joy in my leafy garland, bright orange pumpkins, hearty chili, fresh bread, and all things pumpkin and apple. 

The kids tried out their Halloween costumes multiple times this week. Jay is an army guy, Rose is a beautiful butterfly, and Amber is a strawberry. 

Strawberries make me drool too. I couldn't believe she stopped trying to rip that hood off long enough for me to take a few pictures.

 The stuffed bum of this fleece strawberry suit cracks me up! She's like a little Oompa Loompa.

Amber's sad little baby lip protruding underneath the happy berry face hood is too much.

There's something about kids in the fall. A few years ago I hung these photo series of little Jay and baby Rose in the fall, and I have been rather excited to take pictures of Amber in the fall colors to add to this collection. [someday I'll even get frames for them]

We went to the pumpkin patch at Bill's Berry Farm yesterday after school, and I relished the bright sunlit pumpkins and the general fall ambiance of the pumpkin patch. I put my little camera to good use, and my family was very patient. I just love pumpkin pictures! So I took a lot. The pictures turned out as good as could be expected from a regular mom with a regular pocket camera on the auto setting. I love them all. 

The sun came out and made the kids squint, but it also lit up the pumpkins.

The sweetest pumpkin in the whole patch wasn't even orange.

Is she really going to be ONE year old in 2.5 weeks?

That golden autumn sunshine just melted all over the orange pumpkins.

It was exceedingly difficult to get a smile out of Amber. She was too busy exploring all the new textures and keeping the sun out of her eyes to care much about the silly voices or games of peek-a-boo to we employed to get her to smile.

Rose was willing to smile. Can you believe all those pumpkins? It wasn't a real pumpkin patch--they placed pre-picked pumpkins in a big field. There were so many pumpkins though, it must've taken them forever to scatter them all around! 

Pumpkin-climbing didn't end well.

I couldn't get enough of the sunny pumpkins. The were practically glowing.

We took one family pumpkin picture, with the camera propped up on the baby basket. 4/5 of us are actually looking and smiling! Maybe we should stop while we're ahead and call this our yearly family photo. 

After the pumpkin photo-thon, we took the hay ride over to get some fresh warm pumpkin donuts. Amber liked them just as much as the rest of us. 

Happy October.