Hard, but worth it

Today I found myself flying solo at church with Jay and Amber. Jeff and Rose stayed home feeling under the weather. I braced myself for the trial of church alone with a baby, and I must confess to some negative feelings along the way.

Mobile babies are HARD at church! All through sacrament meeting today I kept thinking "what's the point?" over and over while I wrestled with Amber. She is determined, strong, and mobile. It was hard work keeping her in the pew and quiet! Thank goodness for the binky or else we never would have made it past the sacrament! But we managed to stay in the chapel the whole time (with great effort on my part, I might add).

It was fast Sunday today and half way through the testimony meeting, Jay asked me "how come I never get a turn up there?" I told him he was allowed to go up and bear his testimony if he wanted to. I could almost see him thinking "ALL THE WASTED YEARS!" haha, microphone-savvy though Jay may be, he had never gotten up in testimony meeting before. I asked him if he knew what he wanted to say. He thought about it a little and then said yes. I started feeling a little nervous about this--Jay really likes the sound of his voice in the microphone and that's what worried me. I felt the need to teach him a little more before he went up, so I asked him if he knew what to say at the end, and reminded him about finishing with "in the name of Jesus Christ amen." He looked quite determined to get up to that microphone, so I quickly added one last tidbit of motherly advice--I told him to make sure he didn't talk too long up there because other people wanted a turn too (I was worried he'd start rambling and say who knows what!) Then that brave little boy walked right up to the podium, took a few noisy breaths in the microphone, and said these sweet things:

"I can follow Heavenly Father by saying prayers and going to the temple when I'm older to get married and stuff. In the name of Jesus Christ amen."

Then he walked back down and sat next to me with a pleased little smile. I hugged him and told him he did a good job. He hugged me back and held my hand [until Amber demanded it again].

Jay!!! His sweet testimony broke through all of my church-baby-irritated-exhaustion and touched my heart. Instead of thinking "what's the point?" after that, I kept thinking "that is why" and "this is worth it" over and over again, while Amber yanked my shirt sideways and squirmed/drooled all over me. Wrangling Amber did not get any easier after I had those good feelings, but my ability to bear it improved greatly. My heart was softened. I thought maybe it was a good time for me to go up front and say something, but I wasn't sure if Amber would be ok with me passing her off to a non-Daddy-person, and the act of handing the baby over to someone was too much of a commitment and I really didn't want to cry up in front of everyone soooo I froze. I just couldn't get myself to go up there, even with Amber. Of course now in my safe quiet house I feel a little bad about not going up when I was so clearly prompted to, but ahhh!

What I would have said if I had conquered my podium paralysis is simple: bringing a baby/kids to church is hard, but worth it. As a parent I'm so thankful that I have the gospel and the Holy Ghost to guide me and help me as I raise my kids. I know that God hears and answers all prayers. He loves each of us. We are here on earth for an experience that we cannot have anywhere else. The challenges we are given as well as the joys we feel here teach us in the most effective, excellent way--God's way. I know that Jesus Christ lives, his gospel is true, and we have a living prophet who is called of God. I hope my kids always know two things about their mom: 1. I love them no matter what and 2. I know that the gospel is true.

It is way easier to write those things than to SAY them, especially if I have to think them up and speak coherently through emotion, while standing in front of 150 people. Maybe someday I'll master my quaky knees and shaky voice, but today was not that day! Maybe next time I'll manage to follow sweet Jay's example.

On the way home from church I asked Jay some questions, and I totally felt like my father while I did it because he used to ask us pointed questions like this too when I was little:

1. What made you want to go up and bear your testimony? --I just really wanted to go up and talk.
2. How did you feel when you were up there? --When I looked at all those people, I felt a little scared.

Bottom line: kids at church = hard, but worth it.