"Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. I reiterate what we have been told repeatedly—that in order to gain and to keep the faith we need, it is essential that we read and study and ponder the scriptures. Communication with our Heavenly Father through prayer is vital. We cannot afford to neglect these things, for the adversary and his hosts are relentlessly seeking for a chink in our armor, a lapse in our faithfulness."
--President Thomas S. Monson, October 2015 General Conference
After I read that I realized that I hadn't prayed before I started reading, so I stopped and prayed. While I prayed I felt the spirit teaching me. I have had that happen before--while I'm trying to figure out what to pray for/how to say it, the spirit shows me the way and answers my concern. Tonight my concern was that I never really got the chance to serve a mission and have that amazing time where I'm 100% dedicated to learning and teaching the gospel, and I have even less of the right kind of time for meaningful scripture study in my life right now. I've always felt a little sad that I didn't get the chance to experience a mission since I got married first, even though I know getting married was the right choice. And oddly enough, I sometimes even feel two not-so-admirable things about how I didn't get to serve a mission:
- Sometimes I feel envious of all the knowledge, lessons, service, love, and experience that full time missionaries gain/give. What riches!!
- Sometimes I feel kind of second-class spiritually because I never experienced the incredible sacrifice and exertion it takes to serve a full-time mission. Even though I know that the church is true and I love it (and of course my brain knows that those who don't get to serve missions are in no way second class spiritually), I find myself often wistfully thinking about how much MORE I'd know and be if I had served a mission!
These thoughts were stirred again tonight when I read my sister Mel's weekly email from the MTC tonight. I'm so happy for her and all she's learning and doing! It gives me a little ache even, that feeling of right and goodness that I get when I read about her mission so far. I guess the contrast between the hours and hours missionaries study the gospel and the mere handful of minutes I scrape together each day to read scriptures is what got to me. The never-ending question came back: am I doing enough?
In my prayer tonight after reading what President Monson said, I was asking for help to keep studying and pondering every day, even though it's really hard to find enough consecutive quiet minutes with kids around. The spirit gave me such a beautiful thought: whether or not I served a mission nearly 10 years ago is not relevant right now: what's important right now is that I keep on studying and pondering and praying. Keep on building my testimony and keep on seeking and gaining further light and knowledge NOW. The gospel is all about improving and moving forward and growing better, not about looking back at what and where we used to be!
Taken at face value, these things are pretty obvious and normal, but they struck a chord with me and felt very profound tonight. That's the wonderful thing about having the spirit's help with scripture study: it helps me see those obvious, normal things with new eyes and helps me understand them more deeply.
Reading and pondering the scriptures every day essential. Prayer is vital. The adversary is relentless. Those are strong words. They are also true words. I hope I can remember how essential and vital searching, pondering, and praying are. They are my weapons against relentless evil!
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