Be better

I can't believe tomorrow is January 1, 2016! My main goal: Do better and be better than I was last year! A friend wrote on Instagram today that she has made this same single goal for herself for the past five years: "be more awesome than I was last year!" She is wise. That's all we can do--try our best to be better than before. I thought of goals to fit under that heading this year. Instead of what I want to get done, I am focusing more on how I want to BE...I guess that makes them more like resolutions than goals, but I'm not in the mood for twisty turn-y semantics right now.

• Be patient, positive, cheerful, courageous, and kind. 
• Stop complaining--even in private, even in my own mind--look for the GOOD and celebrate it.
• Study the teachings of Jesus Christ every day. 
• Give a soft answer (resist "ranting and raging" both verbally and [especially] mentally, even [especially] when righteous motherly/housekeeper's indignation strikes). 
• Have intentional FHE every week and family scripture and prayer every day: share my testimony with my kids and teach them the gospel.
• Listen to understand rather than to reply (I love that--I read it somewhere online today--I think Stephen R. Covey said that or something similar to it).
• Choose the better part: don't get caught up in good things; get caught up in the BEST things!
• Repent every day.
• Discipline with love.
• Be there.
• Pay attention.
• Read.
• Find the JOY in every day.

Many of these are lofty goals (or resolutions?) for me. They are aimed at both my weaknesses and my ideals. They define WHO I want to be and who I'm always trying to become. Goals are traditionally supposed to be specific and measurable, but this year I feel DONE with that kind. Quite frankly, they stress me out. I am a self motivated, intrinsically driven person and having a list of Big Things To Accomplish in a year mostly stresses me out. I want to accomplish Big Things, like clean out those hall closets and mop that kitchen floor (yes, mopping has become a Big Thing) and get a specific food storage plan in place, and read the whole Book of Mormon again, and practice the piano regularly, but I'm finding that in my unpredictable current stage of life I feel best about myself when I'm not burdened with those kinds of goals that take time and energy away from what matters most: my family.

It's all too easy to get caught up in perfectly noble causes, like practicing the piano and cleaning out closets. But just because they are noble, it doesn't mean they are the best use of my energy. I know personal time is vital to recharge and refresh myself, (and I fully intend to take that me-time when it's needed), but I want my 2016 goals to point me toward my family rather than pull me away from them. This year I want to focus on improving myself and how I AM with my loved ones. I want to be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend. I want to make a conscious effort to choose the best over the good, to BE cheerful even amidst daily frustrations/messes, not only to be there with my kids and family but also to be there for them.

I've read that sharing goals makes you far less likely to actually accomplish them, because the sharing makes you feel like you've already done them. People applaud your intentions and since you've been applauded up front, you don't feel any urge to follow through with the goals. In this case, however, the reason for sharing my aspirations comes more from my epiphany that it's perfectly ok for traditional, measurable goals not to work for me. There's no law that says we have to make new year's resolutions!

Jeff always stays up till midnight on New Year's Eve on principle, but I usually go to bed. In my "old age," I'm finding that my favorite way to celebrate the new year is to start it off well rested.

Here's to a well-rested, patient, positive, cheerful new year!

Christmas week

Two years ago, I departed from pens, paper, and tradition, and started keeping a digital journal in the Evernote app. It is especially handy on weeks like this, when my brain is playing jingle bells on repeat, effectively drowning out all blogability. Here's a firsthand day-by-day Shaina-journal account: I clipped bits of my journal entries and pasted them here for a Christmas week saga.

Dec 21st
Jeff took Jay and Rose to see the new Star Wars movie today, and they all said it was good. Jeff ranked it #3 out of all seven movies in the series. Not bad! I did not go for two reasons: 1. someone had to stay home with Amber and 2. I am not a huge Star Wars fan. I like the movies just fine, but I have seen them or heard them in the background of my house so many times that the prospect of another Star Wars movie did not have me all atingle like the other 3/5 of my family. I was a little nervous sending Jay and Rose to a PG-13 movie that we haven't seen before, but after reading extensive reviews, Jeff (being the resident Star Wars expert) decided that it would be ok for them to see it. They came back shiny-eyed and un-traumatized, so Jeff judged correctly.

Tonight, Jay and Rose held their new baby cousin Grayce Jolie Gibbons for the first time. It was so sweet. I love how instantly gentle,quiet, and calm they become whenever they get close to a newborn baby. I also love how Jay asked to hold her--we didn't say "do you want to hold Grayce?" He saw her and said "can I hold her?" SWEETNESS.

TRIUMPH: Star Wars tickets!

Baby Grayce. So delicate. She was born December 14th and was 8 lbs 1 oz. Steph is a champ.

Dec 23rd
Earlier this month I looked up a list of all of the scriptures used in Handel's Messiah, and I've been looking them up and reading them little by little. I read some of the verses this morning, and felt so JOYFUL that I had to write about it. The only time I ever come remotely close to understanding Isaiah (and various other biblical prophets) is when I listen to Handel's Messiah. When those verses are sung, the confusing word choice and uncertain historical references melt away to reveal the heart of the scriptures: Jesus Christ. These verses are beautiful poetry when they are sung! The nature of God is in these words. He is light, glorious, comforting, pure, and he wants us to know him and follow him. What a beautiful thought, that such an exalted person--Jesus Christ--wants each of us to come unto him, to learn of him, and to know him. That's why Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year! Because of him! He loves us and he knows us, and he wants us to know him and love him too.

Combining scripture verses and classical music was a stroke of an inspired genius. Well done, George Friedrich. Every time I listen to the Messiah, I feel. I learn.

"Comfort ye my people...and he shall purify...behold your God...thy light is come...and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed...for unto us a child is born...glory to God... hallelujah!"

I feel love and joy and goodness and LIGHT with this music. It makes me feel stronger and happier. I feel so thankful for Jesus Christ and his perfect example and his humility and love. Instead of getting snagged on the unknown references and odd language surrounding these words in the Old Testament, Handel's Messiah focuses on the beauty that is there too. One entire song repeats the phrase "and he shall purify" over and over and over. Repetition is powerful! It helps me write these words about the Lord on my heart.

A collage I made: some of these beautiful scriptures.

Dec 24th
Happy Christmas Eve! The stockings are stuffed. I was smart and did all of the gift wrapping earlier this week/month. I hid the last few wrapped gifts in my closet so that there would be something different and new OUT on Christmas morning, but the gifts were all wrapped. Woot! I don't enjoy wrapping presents. The last three gifts for the kids I put in gift bags. Boring ole gift bags. But tomorrow is Christmas Christmas Christmas!! Yay!!

This morning after Jeff and I took turns running, we all made our gingerbread graham cracker houses. They were fun--we used melted marshmallows for the glue and boy was that intense! Stretchy and ultra sticky like Shelob's web from Lord of the Rings. It was great. I ventured deep into the bulk candy isle at Winco a few weeks ago and found a bunch of awesome candy to decorate them: chocolate rocks, gumdrops, candy legos, fruit snacks, and more. We haven't had a time where we were all well-rested, in a good mood, and healthy at the same time all month until today. At last those three criteria aligned and we went to gingerbread town.

This afternoon, I made our tasty chicken noodle soup and cranberry muffins for dinner. We facetimed the Broadbents and Brown grandparents while the kids opened the gifts from them right before dinner. After dinner Jeff read Luke 2 aloud while we all sat on the couch together holding various paper popsicle stick puppets of the nativity scene. Then we went and tried watching A Charlie Brown Christmas, but only got a small clip of it off of YouTube. Then, a [crazy] pajamas by the Christmas tree picture and BED! Jeff and I watched an episode of Dr. Who while we waited for the kids to fall asleep. Then, we stuffed the stockings and sat in front of our virtual fire, enjoying the flickering light and cozy Christmas atmosphere.

The gingerbread houses

Building and playing the day away on Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve dinner: chicken noodle soup and the traditional Brown family cranberry orange muffins. Yum!

I thought my chicken noodle soup turned out quite nicely. And pretty too.

Bedtime on Christmas Eve is a wiggly, giggly event! Who am I kidding--bedtime is always wiggly, if not giggly.

Daddy-pile!

Asnooze at last.

Stockings: stuffed. Presents: wrapped. We love our Netflix fire.

Dec 25th
Merry Christmas! What a day! It was full of joy and toys and playing and eating and family and sweet kids and music and HAPPINESS. I feel a little sad that it's over already. For the past three months I've been plotting and planning and anticipating and picking out gifts and looking forward to THIS DAY! All of my frugal careful planning paid off, and the gifts were a success! Nobody cared that the set of Lego superhero minifigures were a knock-off brand from ebay (80% cheaper than name brand). Nobody cared that the boxes of the Disney princess dolls were dented and battered (making them 50% off on amazon). Nobody cared that various items scattered throughout the gifts were purchased secondhand from thrift stores. IT WAS FUN! Of course there were some brand new, shiny, un-damaged gifts given as well. We loved those ones too. When I was little I thought it was the most fun being a kid and enjoying the mystery of wrapped presents and then opening them. But now I think it's even BETTER being the one in charge of picking most of the gifts and giving them! It just feels so good and happy and FUN to give my own beloved children things that they are excited about. I think as a parent, I am constantly restraining my desire to give my kids things because I want to raise unspoiled, non-materialistic, creative people. I think that makes Christmas even more fun--one day where we get to GIVE and LOVE it. Legos, princesses, and light-up bouncy balls were the favorites this year (I bet you can guess which kid liked which gift).

Jeff helped the kids pick out some cool things for me too! A virtual viewfinder with an integrated phone app that allows me to see 360 degrees around various historical sites and cities: I stand, holding the goggles to my eyes while slowly rotating, and it looks like I'm in a different place--I toured Ellis Island, Statue of Liberty and all, from our family room this morning. COOL. I love a complete, pleasant surprise!

This afternoon, [my brother] Kyle orchestrated a 6-way Skype call spanning the USA from New York to Washington and across the ocean to Cambodia so we could all see and talk with Mel [my missionary sister]. It was AWESOME. We were all there! It was so fun! It took nearly 45 minutes for all of us to connect with both audio and visual, but it was worthwhile! We got to talk with and listen to Mel for an hour. She recited something in Khmer and it sounded so intense and different and impressive. I had to bring the laptop into the kitchen and work on our dinner while listening to her talk for the last 15 minutes or so, because time was running short and the Whites were arriving. Grandparents Dan, Leslie, and the Gibbons (Steph, Jasen, and kids) came over for Christmas dinner and gifts round two. It was slightly chaotic, and the kids were emotionally fried after long days (cue mega thrashing meltdown by Rose and various sobbing fests from Tate and Layne). Amber handled her over-stimulation like a pro and simply walked and crawled calmly around the room, exploring all of the new things.

After everyone left around 7:30pm, Jeff and I got the kids to bed and then tackled the MESS in the kitchen together. We cleared it up in record time with the help of a little Christmas music (although we did not sweep the floor--haha). Then we retreated to the basement with Christmas treats to watch an episode of Dr. Who. Peter Capaldi is hilarious!

That was our Christmas. The kids woke us up around 6am and we turned on Jingle Bells at 7am (the cue for the stocking dash). I took two short videos the whole day and a couple of pictures. Not my best recording, but I was having too much fun to remember to take more videos. Seriously, we built and played all day long and I loved it! I love having kids at Christmas. When they're all gone, I think I might still buy a few toys every year to play with. Or follow my kids around begging for grandchildren to give fun toys to on Christmas, ha ha.

A thank you hug/tackle by Rose.

I put a clown wig in Jeff's stocking. Heehee

Princesses and markers: sweet Rose's life.

Skype with Mel and the whole Brown crew!

Our Christmas dinner. I am paralyzed by side dishes just like Mr. Darling in Peter Pan is paralyzed by small talk. I can never think of side dishes to make, so the ham, bread, cheesy potatoes, and salad seemed quite sumptuous compared to our usual one pot wonders. Haha! I hope I didn't disappoint anyone. I thought this was quite the feast until six adults and five kids started eating it--those cheesy taters were gone in no time! I made my first-ever GOOD fancy pants salad: pomegranate pear with candied pecans and red wine vinaigrette. It was mine and Steph's favorite part of the dinner. I promptly forgot to offer everyone dessert at the end of the meal. One of these years maybe I'll learn how to be a hostess!

Dec 26th
I ran 7 miles in one hour today and I'm tired. I did my best not to think about the flat after-Christmas feeling today. It was a good day. I played princess barbies with Rose. We had leftovers for dinner. (aka, no cooking for me! woot)

Twice today I had food THROWN at my head, by different children, and it wasn't Amber who did it! I was utterly baffled and peeved when during lunch as I was minding my own business with a ham sandwich at the table, Rose suddenly chucked a bag of wheat thins and it hit me in the head! Well, I jerked my head out of the way at the last minute, but the bag was a millimeter from hitting me. Ahhrg! WHY? Then at dinner, Jay randomly plucked a piece of his bun off and threw it at my face. WHAT??? WHY?! Seriously, I have no idea where the food flinging came from and I was totally annoyed and concerned that my kids are growing into inconsiderate uncivilized savages.

This afternoon we all watched the new Cinderella movie together in the basement. What a happy, hopeful, CLEAN family movie. I love the theme from the movie: have courage and be kind. What a wonderful message! I shall have to add it to my other mottoes: "be patient and positive" and "simply love and serve." I suppose all of these mottoes really mean the same thing. Charity is the pure love of Christ and that is The Quest! I hope I can be better and do at it.

A day or two ago, Amber started saying "nana" when I give her lunch. She calls both her sandwich and her banana "nana." It is SO CUTE! She is also starting to run! Or more like stagger faster and faster until she falls down. She's surprisingly fast!

Dec 27th
Tonight at the end of dinner Jay and Rose were being LOUD and starting to wrestle. I calmly asked them to quiet down and take their dishes over to the sink. They were being too loud and did not hear me, so I turned to Jeff in bemused exasperation and said "what is my purpose?" Without hesitating or even blinking, he replied, "eye candy," as serious as can be. I laughed and laughed and laughed my head off. It felt so good to evaporate my building irritation with hearty laughter. Hah!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Jeff is the best.

More, more, more!

This week we: got MORE snow, completed one MORE year of marriage, and took MORE Christmas Sunday pictures.

SNOW: On Thursday it started snowing at 8am and snowed all day. It was still fun the third time around. Rose and I made a snowman while Jay was at school and then after school we went hill hunting for a worthy sledding slope. We found one by the high school behind our house. It was a lucky find in this flat town of ours--it wasn't too steep or long to wear us out too much, but it gave us a satisfying whooshing ride down. I planned ahead and put a well-bundled Amber in the stroller to keep her out of the snow and warm for as long as possible while we sledded. I was worn OUT after our hour of sledding. When we came in because it started getting dark, I was lighthearted and HAPPY. It is so fun to leave boring housework and grown up responsibilities behind for a few hours every now and then to go and simply PLAY outside. That's the good thing about being a full time mom: pretty much everything else can always wait while I play with my kids, because they are the most important part of my job! It's the best. I did have a slight reality check when we came in at 4:30pm and I realized that it was up to me to make a hot dinner to refuel our cold tired bodies, ha ha.

MARRIAGE: Today is our ninth wedding anniversary. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Jeff is the best! Marriage gets better and better every year. I love it. It's so much fun being our own family and figuring out how we want to do things in our home and journeying together. 

Then and now. I love our life.

CHRISTMAS SUNDAY: Before church today, I rallied the troops and managed to get them in one place, all dressed up at the same time. My lamentable indoor photography skills notwithstanding, I managed to get some funny (if slightly blurred) photos. Jay stayed home from church today because he had a fever last night, but I persuaded him to dress up for the picture anyways. 

 I gave Amber some milk in hopes of cheering her up for the picture.

Happy Christmas Sunday!

Christmasy creativity

There's something about Christmas that brings out my creative side. Rose and I have been doing a Christmasy project almost every day while Jay is at school, from cookies to papercrafts. It's good quality mother-daughter time. We can each do our own thing and still enjoy each other's company, instead of the usual clash of personalities (aka Rose trying to boss me around and me refusing to be bossed).

Rose likes to sit behind the Christmas tree. That face!

Making Christmas cookies is messy business.

Amber likes the ornaments!

Elf yourself! We did this two years ago and loved it. Time for an updated elf family.

I spent nearly 5 hours one day doing these. It was so satisfying and really fun, clipping tiny bits of paper out and adding accessories. Rose picked out her entire outfit and felt so beautifully sparkly.

Our pretty tree before it started dying...we forgot to water it for two weeks and...now it's rather droopy.

The paper snowflake maestro at work. Jeff really mastered beautiful snowflakes this year, and we decided to hang them from our ceiling.

Present wrapping!

One day I drew a stocking for Rose and she filled it in with things she thinks will be inside it on Christmas.

We found this cute idea on Pinterest and made our own paper Christmas trees, decorated with sequins.

 Rose's Christmas artwork. The girl is a marker afficionada. The red guy is Santa.

The creepy Santa-blanket-bunny I drew at Rose's request. Shudder.

 Jay's Christmasy school projects: "Dear Santa Clause, How are you doing? I want a real monkey, a phone, money, clay, rocks, and clothes. Love, Joseph. Merry Christmas."

 Today was my final Christmas baking bonanza: I made 12 dozen snowball cookies, 3 dozen gingersnaps, a pan of peppermint bark, and a sour cream chocolate chip bundt cake. A Christmas miracle occurred with the bundt: it stayed in one piece when I dumped it out of the pan!! I do not plan to bake anything sweet for the rest of the year.

We made another attempt at Sunday Christmas fancy pictures. Amber was not in the mood. Dare I try once more before Church tomorrow?