Wait, I'm not invincible?

School started two weeks ago. We are on day 10. That's not very many days, but I am exhausted! I was braced for the emotional chasm of having half of my family away at school all day, but the extra physical demands that came with school starting have really thrown me off. Now I'm going to analyze the situation. Welcome to my head.

Now he's got an R2D2 backpack to match his lunchbox. Yay for thrift store finds!

Rewind! For the first half of the summer I ran 4-5 days per week for about thirty minutes each day, with a slightly longer run on Saturdays. My take-it-easy post-Amber recovery plan was coming along nicely.

We both got first place in different age groups!

Then in mid-July I did a last-minute 10k race with my friend and it gave me a glimpse of/reminded me what faster speeds feel like. At the beginning of August, Jeff and I got our first-ever GPS watches. We found Garmin Forerunner 610 GPS watches refurbished on Amazon for 75% off their original price. Yes, please! I'm loving the clunky watch and all its features! A side effect of knowing exactly how far and fast I've run is that I realized that I hadn't been running quite as far or as fast as I thought I was. So I began extending my runs so that I could always hit that magic 4 miles each day during the week. Extending the weekday runs by a mile or more encouraged me to extend my Saturday runs 2-ish miles as well, up to 7 miles. Total weekly mileage increase: roughly 6-10 miles.

The taste of speed plus the GPS omniscience and resulting mileage increase has done wonders for my level of physical fitness. I feel much more like "normal Shaina." My mindset has gone from cautious "can I handle that?" back to my standard "Yes I can do that. And that. And that too." I stopped thinking and just went for it.

It took a while, but now I'm completely used to wearing this giant heavy GPS watch all the time--to church, running, all the time.

Then school started. Since we live .6 of a mile from Jay's school and since I'm not pregnant, I have plunged headfirst into my ideal and we've been walking Jay to and from school every day. That's ten miles of walking per week all of a sudden. ALSO: I am no longer able to run by myself on weekdays. Now I have to push the 95 pound double jogging stroller when I run during school hours. It is a beast. I run 2-3 minutes per mile slower with that thing, and feel ten times more tired at the end. I have only run with the stroller 4 of the 10 school days, but I am FEELING it!

For months and months I searched and searched for a gentle mom-ab workout when at last I came across The Core Program by "renowned physical therapist" Peggy Brill. I started with the beginner level back in July, and I'm a convert. The core program works pretty much every part of the torso--deep abs, pelvic floor, back, shoulders, and even arms. It's wonderful: gradual, gentle exercises for overall strength and well-being. Two weeks ago I started doing the intermediate level in this magical mama-voodoo core exercise book. Here's a shocker: the intermediate level is way harder than the beginning level! Whew. It's amazing and exhausting and hard and EFFECTIVE. I have never felt this in control of my deep torso muscles, even in my carefree six-pack youth. I am much more aware of my posture and I can maintain correct posture for an entire 7 mile run now without flopping or hunching or looking as tired as I feel. The subtitle of the book says "15 minutes a day that can change your life!" Does that sound like a gimmick or what? But it actually has worked so well for me! I love it. Adios, pointless crunches and sit-ups. Never again.

Who needs ankle weights when you have big clunky Keens?

So, I've been doing core workouts four days a week, walking to and from school every day, and running 4-5 days a week. On top of normal housework and daily life, that's a lot of physical exertion.

If I was 100% in the kitchen area I think all this extra physical activity might not be quite so exhausting, but I am still suffering various forms of PTSD/food aversions from that horrific pregnancy last year. I hate 90% of all my old easy go-to recipes because I made those when I was feeling blah. I also hate pretty much every filling wholesome snack you can think of because I lived off of all of them and threw most of them up when I felt utterly miserably nauseous for all those weeks and months. How can a Shaina exist without peanut butter? With difficulty. So my cooking repertoire and my snack creativity are at an all-time low. That makes getting sufficient quality calories incredibly difficult. Amber stole 6 pounds from me, leaving my 6-foot tall frame at a low 137 pounds. I really don't feel like I have much else to lose in the weight department so I really need to keep up with my caloric intake.

I have always struggled with getting enough of the right foods--not for lack of trying either! I just have an unlucky combination of a sensitive stomach with low capacity, a high metabolism, and post pregnancy food trauma. My freshman season of track in college left me with a legitimate case of CFS--chronic fatigue syndrome--because I couldn't get enough quality calories in the cafeteria to offset the enormous caloric deficit I created with every workout. Ever since then I have erred on the cautious side when it comes to a balance between physical activity and food. Right now it's harder than ever to find that balance now because of the mile-long list of foods that Amber destroyed for me during that pregnancy. I hope that I will eventually start enjoying those foods again, but I'm not expecting it to happen anytime soon. I only just recently started eating and liking strawberry freezer jam again, and it's been seven years since I puked that up when I was pregnant with Jay!

This delectable panini dripped on my pants right when I took this picture.

Some people may say "I wish I had your problem." The grass is always greener on the other side! In my experience, it seems to be the general consensus that if you don't want to or need to lose weight, you "have it easy." PEOPLE. Come on. There are other physical challenges in this world than weight loss. The challenge of maintaining or gaining weight is just as real as that of losing weight. I'm only drawing on my own experiences as a lifelong twig here, but at least 90% of the conversations I've had regarding my healthy weight have been negative. One of the first Sundays that I went to church after I had Amber, comments flew: "you don't look like you just had a baby." [Umm, I DID just have a baby and I'm glad I did and I worked so hard for this baby and practically starved in nausea for 9 months to have her...am I supposed to be flattered by that?] Another person commented sarcastically, gesturing up and down at my whole body: "disgusting. just disgusting." Excuse me? Why do so-called compliments about weight so often get twisted into negativity on their way out? People who are not at their ideal weight simply do not care one smidgen that I am like this because it's in my DNA, and that my struggle lies not in avoiding calories, but in getting enough calories to avoid getting weak and scrawny. My struggles are VALID and REAL to me, and just because I don't want or need to lose weight, it doesn't mean I have it easy! Or that I look down on others! Everyone has different mountains to climb.

March 2014 at 5 weeks pregnant with Amber just before The Barfing vs. August 2015, almost 10 months post-Amber.

Summary: in the past month I have increased my weekly running by nearly 10 miles, added 10 miles of walking per week, and gone up a level in the core program. Today I barely slogged 3 miles with the stroller and it was epic-ly lethargically slow. I came to the conclusion that I need to rewind my mindset and remind myself that it's ok not to do everything. Take a day off or take it easier. Rest. My distance runner brain says "when you're tired, just keep going." But that isn't always the best plan. I don't have anything to prove! I grew and birthed a human last year. I have survived five pregnancies in the past 6 years. It's going to take a while to recover, and that's ok! Why do I keep forgetting this important detail?

Keep breathing. Keep running. Keep resting. Keep eating. Keep living!

I've got this.

10 months

As of last week, Amber is 10 months old. TEN? My baby! As usual, I made a few amateur attempts at taking pictures of her. And as usual, I made a few comparison collages of my three sweet faces. But first, the Amber-update: she's a dream baby! Perfectly squishy, toothy, smiley, and darling. She sleeps all night. She crawls all over the place at high speeds and pulls up to stand on everything in sight--even my legs while I'm working in the kitchen! She loves exploring the house and following Jay and Rose around. Jeff and I think she is our squirmiest baby yet. Diaper changes are epic wrestling matches. She stopped finishing her bottles two weeks ago so now she only drinks a big bottle in the morning and then has formula in a cup with lunch and dinner. She weighs 20 pounds and is 28.5 inches tall. And the biggest news of the month: she wore her first ponytail!!!!

Comparisons:

Her first ponytail, complete with a small bow. She rips them out a lot now, so she constantly has a mohawk.

The mohawk look gets me every time.

 Rose put her in a bucket one day and said "look, Mommy, I made Amber a little playhouse!"

Have I mentioned the perfect little curl at the back of her head? FAVORITE.

 I always drool over professional photographs of other people's kids, babies, and families. I always wonder if I'll ever go that route. Probably not, sadly. I'd rather buy disposable diapers than pay for someone else to take pictures for me. Allocation of funds and all. But I'll still drool and dream and try to get a good picture every now and then!

SMOOTHIE FOR DINNER!

 In hopes of getting some more natural-looking pictures, I let Amber out on the porch on Saturday evening. She was in heaven. Jeff replaced the old splintery rickety wood on the porch this summer with new solid lumber. It seems like a small project but it was a big deal for us non-handy-folks to do it without help. Jeff borrowed a circular saw and let the sawdust fly. It still needs paint, but it's solid! Amber appreciated his efforts immensely.

She was watching Jay and Rose jump on the trampoline.

Excited face! Clapping hands!

Moments when she'll lay on me without wriggling away are few and far between.

True to form, after all those photo shoots, my favorite picture of Amber this month was taken on my cell phone during a rowdy pre-bedtime pajama party on my bed. Her pajamas say "Wildly Cute" on them. That about sums our Ambaby up!

Franklin Falls

Wow, what a week! It was the first full week of school and I am nowhere near adjusted to the new routine. In fact, I'm exhausted and a little stressed out. The day is broken into specific segments now and I feel a major time crunch whenever I'm trying to get something done. I knew I was spoiled over the summer with Jeff home for more than two months straight, and it's going to take more than one week to get over the sting of that bandaid being ripped off! Normally on Labor Day I feel like it's a superfluous day off of school--we just had two months off of school, who wants another day so soon? But boy, this year do I ever NEED the extra day off! Running with the stroller, walking to and from school with Jay every day, and the basic rigors of normal life have left me worn out! It was time for a getaway already, a week into the school year.

Yesterday we met up with a few friends and all drove 2 hours northwest up to the Snoqualmie Pass area for a family hike at Franklin Falls. It was chilly and cloudy up there in the trees--talk about refreshing! The place was crawling with people, but since we were with a big group ourselves, it didn't interfere with the outing much at all. We hiked the mile to the falls at a gentle, exploratory child's pace and then enjoyed the crashing waterfall for a while before heading back down the trail. It was a pleasure to be out and about in the woods with quality friends, even for hermits like us. The hike was perfect for kids--two miles round trip, a gentle climb, a well-maintained trail, gorgeous trees, constant creek access. We spent close to 3 hours exploring and hiking before heading home. The drive was definitely worthwhile!

Starting out--Amber peeked back

Checking out Denny Creek--out of the 7 kids on foot, only one fell into the freezing creek water. Impressive, especially the way they were all scrambling around on those rocks.

Enormous trees!

The seven kids who hiked--the other three were babies in various carriers.

As usual, the baby basket got a lot of attention and love. 

The descent to the waterfall was slightly treacherous.

We made it!

Snacks and playing in the cold spray

Daddy-daughter bonding. Is there anything cuter than a baby in overalls? Ok, a baby in overalls who won't let go of her daddy.

Amber got so drowsy on the hike back from the waterfall--she started falling asleep standing up in the basket! It was SO CUTE. When I tried to gently sit her down in the bottom of the basket, she refused to bend her legs and the stubborn effort woke her up enough to last the rest of the hike to the car.

The whole crew: 9 adults, 7 walking kids, 3 carried babies, 4 families, and 1 dog.

Let's do it again soon!