The birthday

It's official.

I reigned in my motherly emotions just fine and managed to enjoy Amber's day without getting weepy or depressed. Jay and Rose woke me up at 5 something AM yesterday morning to say happy birthday to me. They were so excited about the double birthday, I couldn't be upset at the early wakeup. Thankfully they left Amber alone and she slept in till 7:30am and then opened her presents after breakfast. Jeff was at work so we saved one present for Amber to open after dinner when Daddy was home. Jay and Rose were so enthusiastic and excited about Amber's gifts, they basically opened them for her. At least she liked playing with the wrapping paper and gift bags. I spent all morning defending Amber and trying to let her play with her own gifts. She loved them once she finally got her hands on them.

Jay gave Amber a wheely cart full of abc blocks. Rose gave her a darling set of Little People: Sleeping Beauty and the three fairies. Jeff and I gave her a Little People carriage and Jeep. That's a funny story--I was looking for some sort of vehicle for Amber to use with the little people Rose was giving her, and an Amazon seller had this cute horse and carriage. It was used and the description said it came with a jeep too. Well, the whole bundle was only$9 so I figured it was worthwhile. The carriage and jeep ended up being enormous! So Amber had piles of giant presents! Ha, one year old Jay and one year old Rose got one present each. Spoil the last baby, right? Ha, with used toys!

I took up the challenge to get a picture of Amber next to her new blocks spelling out her name. I have a similar picture of one year old Jay, and since Amber got ABC blocks too, I figured it was my photographic duty to replicate the picture.

one year old Jay

My birthday presents: last winter I found my dream jacket on sale and bought it. It's been waiting in my drawer for my birthday for 10 months! It was ahhhmazing to finally get it out and wear it at last. The weather obligingly cooled off for my birthday so I actually could wear my present. This thing is rated to -5 degrees, light as a feather (5 oz), and packs down into its own pocket. Go Eddie Bauer! I actually got myself another birthday present too--I've had my eye on these cool blocks called Citi Blocks for years and last month they went on super sale on Amazon, so I got a bunch and saved them for my birthday. Rose and I were mesmerized by building with them--they can be balanced and stacked in astoundingly complex configurations. Jeff gave me the crown jewel to our Harry Potter audio book collection: book #4. We have all six of the other Harry Potter books on CD, but for some reason we never got book 4. Now our collection is complete and we can listen to Jim Dale in his element, recounting the dramatic Triwizard Tournament. Yes!

My birthday "present" from my kids: I corralled them into the backyard and made them pose for a few sibling pictures to warm my mommy-heart in later years. Those gems need a post of their own.

 My sweet jacket and the Citi blocks.

Birthday dinner was mac and cheese of course, and everyone inhaled their mac--good thing I made a double batch! It was a veritable VAT of mac. We had peas on the side--Amber's favorite veggie. Then it was cake time--pumpkin roll! There's no dramatic cake failure story to go along with this birthday--I'm well practiced at making pumpkin rolls. After the first time my sister and I tried making one 7 or 8 years ago and dropped the entire cake onto the floor, I learned my lesson and now making it is a breeze. I made the pumpkin roll the day before and while I was at it I made some extra batter for 6 little cupcakes too. The kids got cupcakes and the parents got pumpkin roll. Cream cheese frosting for the win!

perfect pumpkin roll on a tiny plate.

birthday mac and peas.

Rose blew out Amber's candle before Amber really had a chance to do much with it (typical). Amber ate almost her whole cupcake, frosting part first. After that mess was cleaned up Amber opened her last present (the carriage) and Jeff gave me my last present (HP 4).We all played with Amber's presents till bedtime. Happy birthday!

We have a one year old.

(and a 29 year old)

Birthday buddies

Happy birthday to me! And happy birthday to my sweet baby Amber. She's 1, I'm 29. I'm going to say something selfish but honest: I don't like sharing my birthday. I have shared my birthday with a close friend ever since I was 15 years old. Leah, the only other Mormon girl in my grade in high school had the same birthday as mine, except she was a year older. So we shared birthdays through high school, but of course she got her drivers license first, turned 18 first, etc. We graduated and went our separate ways. When my first college roommate was unpacking her things into our freshman dorm room, we discovered that we too shared a birthday, but she was a year older than me as well. I have kept in better touch with my roommate Lauren (aka Laurs), than my high school friend Leah--I still call and text Laurs. I love my birthday buddies! These musings are purely selfish.

Birthday buddy #1: Leah and me dressed as Siamese twins from the 80's on Halloween, circa 2001

Birthday buddy #2: Laurs--camping in the Appalachians, circa 2005

I have only shared my birthday at a distance for the past 9 years, since both of these ladies live hundreds of miles from me. Then last year I went and had a baby on my birthday. That was the only thing I really wanted for my birthday last year: to have my baby and NOT be pregnant anymore, so it was a perfect birthday gift. But now I have a lifetime of not only sharing my birthday with a peer and best friend, but also basically giving my birthday to my daughter. Because when you're The Mom, it's never about you. I am guilty of that pretty much every time I call my own Mom: me me me. As an adult and as a parent, my birthday has never really consisted of much. I still cook, clean, change diapers, etc. on my birthday. Tonight I was trying to figure out why I cared at all about sharing my birthday with Amber, when today was rather common. Two ideas came to mind, and now that I wrote them down I noticed that they are kind of the same thing:

1. I like the IDEA of my OWN day. One day that is MINE. Even if nothing particularly exciting happens on that day, I like going through the whole day thinking this is my day and what do I want to do today? But now I have Amber to think of. I'm not regretting giving birth to her on my own birthday--as if I could even control that! It's just that as a mother there are incredibly few things that are 100% mine, and now I have one less thing on that list. It's a sort of deflated sucked-dry kind of feeling.

2. My birthday is no longer mine. When you share a birthday with someone close to you, saying MY birthday sounds selfish. It's OUR birthday now. I will always be cooking Amber's favorite dinner and Amber's favorite cake on November 4th. What does Amber want to do? How can I make this day special for Amber? I'm not bitter at all about this, just reflecting.

Birthday buddy #3: my sweet daughter Amber, circa bedtime last night

I know I could pick any day to celebrate either of our birthdays on, so we each get our own day. But once I've celebrated one birthday, I hardly care about celebrating again right away, especially if it's just for me--it feels more selfish? It's hard to revel in my own day when I know it's someone else's special day too. I feel torn between my own selfish desires and the question of how much do I do/give/say to my birthday partner(s) so I'm nice and helping them have a good day too? Basically I guess I've always used my birthday as an excuse to have one day where I don't worry about other people (besides keeping my kids alive of course).

Rewind! November of my freshman year of college I turned 18. My roommate Laurs had an admirer and I was drawn into his elaborate birthday celebration plans. I don't remember details, but I do remember helping with the whole plan throughout the day on our birthday and then watching them go off to dinner together that night and feeling very lonely and uncelebrated. Laurs was so sweet and sensitive and the next year, for my 19th birthday, she denied all of her personal birthday desires to create the best, sweetest birthday surprise and celebration that I've ever had in my life. But what these two birthdays tell me is that it seems like only one birthday buddy can have an awesome birthday! The other person is just working. Of course serving others brings joy, blah blah yeah, but aren't birthdays kind of a free "me" pass? haha, I sound so bad writing this!

My 19th birthday, 2005: Laurs made 3 cakes so there would be enough for all the people celebrating with us.

Ok, I think this is as far as I'm going to get with writing these thoughts before I sound like a completely narcissistic lazy bum! I love birthdays and making them special for others. I love making my own birthday special for me too! Maybe someday I'll figure out how to do both in the same day. The end.

My little birthday bundle.

[more birthday details later]

A lot happens in a year

For the past week I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that my last baby is about to turn one year old. So much has happened in the past year to me and to her. I don't have many words right now, just nostalgia and pictures--it is HARD loving three sweetfaces so much and watching them grow up at the speed of light. The Ache has struck once again. I just re-read this beautiful essay by Sarah Bessey, and it soothed me. Note to self: read her words about the ache at least three times per year: November 4th, February 7th, and May 21st. It's like eating chocolate after a dementor attack.

Tomorrow is the big day! Sigh. Sniff. I can do this. 

Halloween

Whew, Halloween is over! The tacky part of fall decor can be taken down to make way for the prettier, classier stuff. Not that I have a whole lot of either kind of decorations in my house, aside from my beloved glowing orange leaf garland. But with a sigh of relief, I took down the paper ghosts, pumpkins, and witches we taped all over the kitchen. For some reason, Halloween felt like such a long ordeal this year! I have no good explanation. I'm getting old and cranky and I'm not quite 29 years old.

On Halloween morning at 10am, we had a few friends over to run a kids costume "race" in the soccer field behind our house. Mostly the kids just romped and frolicked around the big field, but we had a few little ready, set, go races across the field and one race that went all the way around the field--that only held the attention of the bigger kids. The kids played, the moms talked, and then everyone left. It was easy and fun. Amber slept through most of it. Right before the race, we did a kids costume photo shoot, with marginal success. One of the camera settings was a little off so the colors got kind of washed out.

Beautiful butterfly Rose--you can't see it very well, but she had pink eye shadow with sparkle gel on top, plus those stick on gems. She was very pleased with her sparkly-ness, although the gems fell off after a few laps around the soccer field.

Army guy Jay

And the little Amberry: the sweetest, juiciest strawberry I've ever tasted. She was about to take a nap so smiling or cooperating in any way was not happening.

Annnd the group pictures were even more amazing than I ever could've dreamed. Amber kept escaping and yanking on her hood, Jay kept covering his face with his pistol, and the camera setting was still too pale. Ah well!

Amber went to bed and the kids went out to the field:

The race:

I spent Halloween afternoon reading a certain vampire book that fit my mood quite well. Amber took an obligingly long nap and the kids watched Star Wars in the basement while Jeff was on the computer. I haven't been reading as much as normal lately, and it felt luxuriously indulgent to sit by myself and read a silly vampire book for two whole hours. It was a nice relaxing calm before the storm of Halloween Everything began.

This year we decided not to bow to the will of the masses of demanding trick or treaters stampeding our neighborhood. We turned off the lights at home and went to our ward's chili dinner and trunk or treat activity, which was at 5pm on Halloween  night. When I asked Jeff what he was going to dress up as, he thought for a minute and then his eyes lit up. He said "I'll dress up as a jogger and RUN to the church!" My one request was that covered up his tiny running shorts when he arrived, this being a church activity and all--ha ha. So Jeff left about an hour before the activity and ran the 10 miles to the church building. I felt very benevolent for letting him leave me with three kids to costume up and load up, a pot of soup to cook, and all the other odds and ends that always turn up at the last minute. But we scrambled everything together and made it to the church only a few minutes late.

When we decided to go to the ward activity, I realized that I wanted to wear a costume. Halloween grinch though I may be, I still like dressing up! I brainstormed my favorite famous people with short hair, and of course Julie Andrews instantly came to mind. It was either Mary Poppins and Maria Von Trapp. Mary Poppins is slightly more iconic and since she's practically perfect in every way, I chose her. I went to Goodwill with a few of her outfits in mind--I scoured the store for a suit/skirt combo and miraculously found a mostly-matching red blazer and pleated red skirt. Chim chimney it was! I found a perfect straw hat, spray painted it black, and tucked fake daisies into the brim. When my mom was here she helped me take in the plus-sized red blazer jacket so I didn't look like a sumo wrestler. The whole costume cost $13 (less than one 150-piece bag of candy!), since I already had a white shirt and black tights. On Halloween night I lit a few matches, let them burn down, and then rubbed the black soot onto my nose and face. We were in a hurry to get out the door, though, so I didn't quite do the soot-job justice and it wore off as the night wore on.

It rained at the ward trunk or treat, forcing everyone under the dark pavilion in cold clumps, eating a variety of chilis from paper bowls. I brought chicken soup instead because I was not in the mood for chili. Mary Poppins, the rebel. The activity was combined with the other ward that meets in our building, so it was packed, and I only knew half of the people. A random lady asked me what my name was and then left without introducing herself...weird, I thought. 15 minutes later, however, that same lady got up on a table and started talking in a microphone. It was hard to hear and I was off on the side talking to some friends, not listening, when suddenly Jeff said "you won! go up!" I was like..."I won what?" Jeff said "there was a costume contest and you won a prize!" Ahhhhhg! Great, I hate going up in front of people! And everyone was staring at me and I had to pick my way through a crowded pavilion without tripping and falling and it felt kind of awkward. I felt especially lame winning the costume contest because of how low my Halloween enthusiasm was this year, ha ha. And my friend dressed up as the most wicked amazing Cruella DeVil ever and she didn't win a prize. Costume contests are so subjective. Oh well, I accepted my baggie of candy as gracefully as I could and then escaped.

By 6pm at the church it was cold, wet, windy, and people were still in line for chili. Amber started really getting tired of her strawberry costume and being strapped in the stroller. Jay said he wanted to go. Jeff and I looked at each other and just like that, we were OUT of there. We missed the costume parade and the trunk or treating, but we were afraid that we'd never get out of that parking lot once the trunk or treating started. So we went back to our house and trick or treated in our own neighborhood after all. But we all went together! It was so liberating to just let ourselves all go out together on Halloween! We did the usual circuit: down the street to Grama and Grampa's house, and then across the neighborhood a quarter of a mile to Aunt Steph's house, gathering candy along the way. Our neighborhood was surprisingly patchy with which houses were open for trick or treating, so the kids only collected a few small handfuls of candy. It was also CHILLY! The temperature wasn't super cold, but the wind was picking up strong like it does around here and the little delicate butterfly Rose was shivering in her sparkles! We borrowed a jacket from Steph. When we got home, my kids' Halloween-grinch mother let them eat 2 pieces of their candy. They each got to pick out 6 pieces to save. The rest of it went into our bowl to hand out. Jay and Rose really got into the candy-handing. I didn't give a single piece! Our candy was gone in about half an hour. I only got 150 pieces this year, and Jeff saved out most of the Reeses, but still! Even on our fourth Halloween in this house, I still found the sheer number of trick or treaters staggering.

 Coming home

Amber sat on Jeff's lap playing in the crinkly candy bowl and drooling on a lot of it while he sat in the doorway distributing candy to the masses with the assistance of Jay and Rose.

In spite of my Halloween scrooginess, it was a good night. The kids had fun, we got to see our friends in their costumes, we managed to do all the Halloweeny-ness together as a family, AND the candy-handing was short. Funny thing: we never lit our laboriously carved pumpkins on Halloween. I left them in the trunk when we got home from the church and we were flocked by trick or treaters the minute we turned one light on, so we never had time to get the pumpkins out and light them. They were only ever lit once, on the night we carved them!

Good BYE, goofy Halloween, HELLO, superior November!