Cancelled

Alternate titles that I considered for this post:

• The trip that never was
• Staycation
• Ghosting 
• Travel travesty
• First-world tragedy
• Foiled!

As fun as it is to dream up silly descriptive titles, our week really can be summed up in one simple, painfully direct word: CANCELLED. For the past three years, Jeff and I have gone on what we lovingly dubbed our "yearly date trip" every February. Travel is cheap in February and President's Day weekend gives Jeff an extra day off work. Plus February is the anniversary of our first-ever date. February is our blissful date-escape month! Enter: real life.

My Gorgeous Muscle

Friday was a cheery sunny day for a nice long run. Jeff was home with Amber. The wind was stiff but it was still warm enough for shorts--always a treat in February. And that SUN! I ran headphone-free for the first time in weeks. In general I prefer running without headphones or music or books because running is my quiet thinking time, but during the winter, running is unpleasant enough that I lean heavily on audio distractions to get my running done. I had nearly forgotten how good it is to run with only my thoughts--nobody else's--going through my head. For the first time in weeks, I felt centered while running.

Rose turned NINE

We had a birthday around here this week!

Journal clip from February 6th: My second born child is turning nine tomorrow! Woah. Rose is so intense I often feel overwhelmed by her in-yo-face presence, but she is so diligent and dedicated with that intensity. And she has such a good heart. I loved asking her all of the birthday interview questions today. She had some thoughtful responses. I'm so thankful for my Rose-girl. I made the mistake of looking through some of her baby pictures tonight and started feeling that mom-ache of how has it been almost nine years already?? I think Rose skipped a few years in there somewhere. 

Vitamin Denver

My weekend was a treat: I flew to Denver to celebrate my newest niece! When the baby blessing date was announced via our family group text message last month, I started searching for flights and struck gold with an unlikely mega-deal from Pasco to Denver. Who am I to pass up a sweet sleek airfare? With my sainted husband's support at home, I flew out late Friday night and arrived home Monday morning. (Sleep was secondary.) A wind advisory made my Friday flights rather harrowing and late, causing a frantic power-walk session through the Seattle airport, where I skimmed into the boarding line of my connecting flight just in the nick of time. I even managed to snag a strange green Caesar wrap for dinner at a convenient food stand next to the gate. Then it was back into the choppy air. My plane landed in Denver just before midnight, and my beloved mother picked me up. We arrived back at her house at 1am mountain time. 

Springtime in January

Winter is so much easier to bear when it doesn't feel like winter! We finished January with surprisingly warm weather and it was so glorious to run in SHORTS that I ran every day. Even my tedious field laps out behind our house couldn't dampen my enthusiasm, although I did have to re-route my regular loop due to mud in the lower portion of the field. It rained a good amount this week too. Jeff felt himself again, the kids and I stayed healthy, and winter gave us a reprieve. I keep thinking that maybe I wouldn't have appreciated the positives of this week without last week's difficulties. Yay for refining fires! And double yay for the in-betweens reprieves!

And now, to flesh out that feeble weekly summary, a few journal excerpts from the week:

Trundling along

Even though we had only four days of school, this week was lengthy. We trundled along through all of the appointments and activities: Jeff had parent teacher conferences two nights. Jay had taekwondo three nights. Amber had preschool two days. I attended a baby shower one night and a chiropractor appointment another morning. Jay and Rose had piano lessons one night and separate piano ensemble recital rehearsals on Saturday. Reducing our week into a list of numbers like this makes the week appear stark and simple, when it really was quite tiring with lots of back-and-forth driving.

Jeff was in anxiety-survival mode all week. When this happens, everything is up to me--from driving kids to activities to brushing Amber's teeth to policing chores and refereeing arguments. Jeff was a shell of his usual self and as much as I tried to give him space and let him weather his storm, it was hard not to feel betrayed by his lack of attention. As the week progressed, I realized that it wasn't only the act of doing everything by myself that was wearing on me; it was the lack of communication, cheer, and normal husbandly presence that really wore me out. I am getting better at navigating these fraught choppy waters that all spouses of the mentally ill must sail, but I still have a long way to go. Even with my slowly accumulating navigational abilities, the fact remains that without my husband's joint amusement, commiseration, and side-jokes, simple daily activities and battles feel endlessly draining and lonely.

In the bleak midwinter

This week was not new, zesty, or anywhere close to original; it was merely a cold continuation of last week--a painfully normal series of winter days where I felt stuck in the same rut while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed by the demands of life. I kept bundling up and battling the bitter winter weather to run outside. Amber kept up her regular barrage of demands and personal-bubble-invasions. Kids still needed to be taxied around town and policed into productivity at home. Dinner still needed to be cooked. Cleaning, laundry, errands, etc. all still needed to happen. I realized that while all of these things are normal, they become more difficult in the winter because my most regular me-time/self-care time--running (and any other outside time)--is not nearly as uplifting in the cold dark yucky winter. Without that personal boost each day, and especially when that boost becomes a drain, (COLD! DARK!) everything else in my equilibrium is thrown off-kilter and the daily tasks begin to feel proportionately more difficult.

Three R's of 2019

In 2019, I:
Ran 1307 miles
Read 88 books (49 new, 39 re-reads)
Wrote 193,092 words on this blog

It's satisfying to see my stats and know that I was able to do so much of what I love last year. Running, reading, and writing are three of my favorite activities. They aren't my only favorite activities, but they are my favorite everyday hobbies.

Here is the list of books I read during 2019. I never got into Goodreads, so I just keep my own list. An asterisk (*) means a book I have read before, and a dash (-) means audiobook. The list comes out to 89 books, but I did not finish #25 The Silk Roads because it was just SO LONG and SO BORING. I guess that means I technically read 88.5 books in 2019...

Flying Solo

Jeff attended the Northwest Track and Field Clinic (a coaching conference) at the Nike Headquarters in Portland this weekend. He left on Thursday afternoon and got home on Saturday night. We missed him! I don't like being the only parent at home. It's exhausting. I did my best to make it as smooth and easy as possible. On Thursday night, I took the kids to Burger Ranch for dinner, where Rose used her student of the month coupon for a free hamburger. Spicy fry sauce is my favorite! Amber frolicked in the (fenced) retro playground area just outside our booth's window the whole time, and it was the best of both worlds: ease of a restaurant (no cooking!) and no Amber chaos during dinner.

Brain cells not included

Some days are noteworthy because they are awful; some days are noteworthy because they are exceptional, and other days are not noteworthy at all, which lack of noteworthiness inspired a very dull list on Tuesday night (Jan  7th). My Tuesday was about as mundane as can be. It wasn't a bad day, but it was not a very intellectually stimulating day either. Just an average filler day wherein brain cell expenditure was minimal while I:

No pepper spray needed

During Christmas break, all of my formerly safe running routes were compromised, either by visiting dogs or dogs whose owners were home for the holidays and giving their pets extra freedom. Before my run on Saturday (Jan 4th) I was on edge at the thought of going out into that possible terror. I dreaded the jolts of fear from unknown/unexpected dogs jumping out at me on my run, so after I finally got out the door and started running, I prayed for peace and safety, specifically (audaciously) asking for no dogs to chase me or startle me.

Relaxing into 2020

The second week of Christmas Break was deliciously relaxing. We were never more than five miles from home the whole time. If winter is the time to hunker down and hibernate, we used our last week of break to do just that. The kids got way more computer time than usual. I stayed up late reading later than usual. We all just did what we felt like and reveled in the slow relaxation of the break from our normal hustle-and-bustle school day routines.

Since copying and pasting my journal entries are my main way to stay afloat with this blog these days, here is a sampling from the past week...reading through it reminded me that the week wasn't all quiet repose...