Baby Bubble

For the past 12 days I have been living in a blissful baby bubble. I love the newborn days when I take care of my baby and my mom/husband/friends take care of me. All I need is a baby and a book (and a camera) in my comfy chair, and I'm happy. My aches and pains have subsided enough for me to stop taking medication. This past Thursday was the first time in 9 months that I have not had to swallow a single pill to fix various prego/post-prego issues. Wahoo! Now if only there was a pill to treat sleep-deprivation...

The first thing that happens when I'm sleep deprived is I get weepy and extra emotional. But even if I wasn't low on sleep, I think I'd still feel emotionally wobbly whenever I look at my darling baby Amber. It's amazing how much I LOVE her even though she did her best to kill me for 9 whole months, ha ha. She is just so perfect (said every parent of every newborn baby ever). But Amber really is a dear. I can hardly believe that I get to keep her! I also can hardly believe I was blessed with THREE amazing babies before I had to stop. One small part of me wishes I could have more kids, but the other, bigger part of me is in awe that I even got to have as many as I do. I feel so grateful for them! I love them so much, it kind of makes me feel bad for getting annoyed at Rose for not going potty when she obviously has to, or when Jay tackles Rose and makes her cry. Of course their infractions don't change how thankful and GLAD I am to have them.

This morning I looked down at my stretched-out, pregnancy-ravaged, surgery-scarred stomach and thought "Wow, you've been through a lot!" Then I thought "You have been well used, old friend. Now you're done." Maybe the second thing that happens when I'm sleep deprived is personification of inanimate objects? Whatever. Being DONE [having babies] is so strange. I'm sure this won't be the last time I ponder it. I'm 28 years old and DONE. Don't get me wrong, I'm very glad that I got my tubes tied. This isn't about regret. It just makes me feel quiet and thoughtful to realized that this is my last tiny newborn to take care of. I'm trying to relish her sweetness and her little sounds and funny faces and then let them go gently instead of mourning their loss (too much). 

I always get kind of emotional on my kids' birthdays because it's sad to think of them growing up and leaving me. Amber is not even 2 weeks old yet and I'm already feeling sniffly about her growing too fast. I try to remember Jay and Rose's babyhood and I think: did I enjoy it enough? Did I appreciate how few times I'd get to do this? Probably not at the time! That makes me never want to stop holding Amber. With Jay and Rose I was paranoid about holding them too too much because I wanted them to be able to sleep well on their own. So far with Amber, I don't care about that! I just hold her till my eyelids droop shut and then I put her down and go to bed. I don't think it's damaging her sleeping abilities, and often MY eyelids droop shut before hers do! It's good for both of us, even when she poops all over my shirt.

My baby bubble is about to burst. The Relief Society has brought its last meal. My husband has gone back to work. My Mom has come and gone (leaving behind a fridge full of food--yum yum). Today Amber and I are staying home from church, but tomorrow I have to be a real mom again--driving Jay to school, figuring out dinner, etc. People do this all the time! They have babies and then continue Normal Life. But I still feel kind of overwhelmed at the thought of being in charge of life again. Part of this feeling comes from the fact that I haven't felt "in charge" of myself for 9 months--my pathetic pregnant body dictated my every move, and I feel physically weak and kind of destroyed from it all. Another part of this feeling comes from the fact that I have to take Jay to school every day--we have Somewhere To Be at 8:50 am every morning, whether Amber is happy or not. The last part of this overwhelmed feeling comes from my rediscovery of food. I like it again! But it's been so long: 1. since I felt hungry without feeling queasy, 2. since I planned more than one meal in advance, and 3. since I cared about food at all, I hardly know where to start. I can barely tell when I'm hungry these days because the hunger is not accompanied by nausea. How am I supposed to figure out, shop for, and cook actual real dinners? It's going to be an adjustment. Thankfully there's no law that says I have to suddenly be as kitchen savvy all at once as Old Shaina was. I have time...and a hungry family. 

My baby and a book. Happy.

Long fingers.

Blonde eyelashes.

 

Hoodies.

Milky coma

 

Before and after: us girls had a beauty parlor yesterday morning. Rose picked out the bows and we did each other’s hair.

Wow, these blog posts are all over the place lately--one minute I'm all heavy and thoughtful, and the next I'm fluffy and carefree. I guess that's kind of true to the real Shaina. I think I'll go enjoy the last few hours of my baby bubble now…