Teamwork

We all deal with trials. Some trials are physical, some are mental, some are social, some are emotional some seem big, some seem small, some are small but feel big, and like last week, plenty are an inconvenient combination of these and more. Just as we can't choose our trials, we don't get to decide when they come. In a marriage, it's very unlikely for only one spouse to experience a trial at a time. Our difficulties overlap constantly! Historically in our marriage, our bigger challenges have been very polarized: my hard hard pregnancies forced Jeff to take over and handle everything for months on end. Any time Jeff has gotten sick, I have assumed the alpha role. In other minor trials we have unconsciously followed this pattern as well--the spouse with the "hardest" challenge has leaned on the other and let them take the driver's seat. This coping method has lasted us eleven years, but it is definitely not perfect. 

More than once over our eleven years I have wondered how we are supposed to judge who was having the "harder time" so that person could coast/cope while the other spouse took up their slack. He had a long day at work, but I had a long day with the kids. Who gets a break? Sometimes I have felt resentful when my husband has automatically assumed the lesser role, pushing me into the foreground when I wasn't feeling up to it. I'm sure he has felt the same way toward me at times. That alpha/beta coping method (while necessary at extreme times) was clearly flawed, and in those moments I always wished we could have worked it out better (even if I didn't know how). But I never questioned the method itself until this week.

This week, like everyone, I had my struggles and Jeff had his. From an outside perspective our challenges were more of the everyday variety, not the big dangerous kind, but that doesn't make them any less real, or any less difficult. (and thank goodness life isn't only composed of giant dangerous challenges!) Neither struggle was superior to the other. There was no clear way forward through them with just one of us in the lead. Our past coping mechanism was completely wrong for this situation. Jeff needed me to be awesome for him, and I needed him to be awesome for me, but neither one of us felt entirely capable of awesomeness. I felt the uncertainty keenly and it left me lonely, helpless, and worried. There was absolutely nothing I could do to help fix Jeff's problems, and he was equally incapable of fixing mine. We were stuck.

After talking it all over at bedtime one night and not reaching any kind of solution or even a satisfactory conclusion, we realized that sleep was our best bet at that point. I found that I needed Jeff's reassurance in the face of our inconclusive conversation, so I said "will you hold me?" He rolled over and snuggled up and as usual, his warmth relaxed me. Even though our situation remained unchanged, I found comfort in his silent hug. When we eventually rolled over to go to sleep, Jeff said "thanks for helping me" (in reference to our conversation). I replied with "thanks for holding me." 

My tired brain flagged a lesson in that exchange, but I fell asleep before I could get a hold of it. Over the course of the week, we had more thoughtful conversations about our various difficulties which revealed tiny streams of light here and there along the confusing tunnel. Thursday night we spent some time discussing Jeff's challenges, then shifted and spent some time talking about mine. We were both trying to figure things out and nobody was in the lead! And it felt good! I didn't suddenly come up with solutions or smooth paths through our challenges, but I had an epiphany: we don't have to take turns being "the strong one."

We can both struggle with our separate personal challenges and infirmities, and in the process we can turn to each other and support/lift each other along the way. It's ok to have struggles and challenges of my own while my husband is dealing with his challenges. I don't have to be feeling completely whole to express love and support to my spouse, and he can still show love and support for me too when he's not at 100%. It is both very possible and very helpful! Showing love doesn't mean taking over the other person's burden. It means supporting the person so he can face/balance his own burden more capably. 

We are both allowed to have trials and challenges at the same time. It is irrelevant to try and gauge who needs to be taken care of "more" and who should to do the caring. We are a team, and one of us doesn't have to be trial-free to love and help the other through his/her separate challenges. We don't have to take turns being the strong one. Helping someone bear a challenge is as simple as expressing love:

"Thanks for helping me."

"Thanks for holding me."

Talking and holding were the best we could do for each other at that time, and surprisingly, it was enough. Maybe I should have figured this nugget of knowledge out sooner. Maybe I understood it vaguely on a subconscious level all along. But it feels good to define the extent of our teamwork and experience that mutual support during current challenges. I already feel so much better, stronger, and more able to jump into another week face first. In fact, the realization that we don't have to take turns in our trials has smoothed over so many of my concerns and has helped me feel peace. Life is better together. Together we are greater than the sum of our parts.

"Thank you for caring."

Always.

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Unrelated pictures from yesterday's outing: it was excellent weather for a track meet...at first. Then the dark clouds rolled in on a stiff cold wind. It had taken us over an hour to find Jeff, though, so we were determined to sit with him for at least a little while. I wore my greenest SVU throwback jacket in honor of St. Patrick's Day and its wide girth came in handy when Rose started shivering. We drove home in a pounding downpour.

 It didn't seem that crowded until we tried to find one person (Jeff) dressed in a black jacket in a sea of people wearing black jackets. From a hundred feet away.

 East Valley High School has an awesome track setup with a steep hill bordering two sides of the track--very spectator friendly.

 If I could count the hours Jeff and I spent sitting at track meets together back when we were dating...this felt so normal, even twelve years down the road with three kids climbing all over us.

 Sharing my green monster of a vintage SVU jacket. SVU recently changed its colors from forest green and white to maroon and white, solidifying this jacket's position as a true throwback to simpler, greener times.

Families that freeze together are stuck together.