Mother's Day: a new perspective

I.
For the past couple of years, I have struggled with mother's day. Selfishly (and in spite of my best efforts not to care), I expected my family to make the day amazing for me, pridefully reasoning that I do so much for them every day, I deserve a day where they make an extra effort to help me out and share my load. Yet somehow I never came close to having an amazing mother's day. I finally "got over it" this year though. It all started when I realized two things:

1. With Jeff's patchy mental health right now, he very well may not be able to do much for me on mother's day.
2. Maybe it's time to try something different! I asked for a gift instead of silently hoping for acts of undefined service that never came (admittedly due in part to my family's inability to read my mind). That way if Jeff had another run-in with anxiety on Mother's Day, he would have already provided his tribute/act of love via a gift and we'd both be off the hook. 

As it turned out, the gift Jeff ordered did not end up shipping in time and it didn't arrive until four days later, but choosing to ask for a gift changed my perspective for mother's day. Shifting my expectations away from nebulous ideals of a clean house and preferential treatment helped me FINALLY see that I can be happy on mother's day with or without my family's specific attentions. (And good grief, I didn't even mail my own mom's mother's day card on time, so same story for her: she had to wait for a late card from me.)

The realization that placing the burden of making my day good on someone else's shoulders is a recipe for a bad day freed me in ways I didn't know I was bound. I know it sounds lame that my key to having a good mother's day was to eliminate my expectations, but it helped me have a better perspective. I am the only one who can make my day good: my choices, my actions, my reactions. I have always known that generally, but applying the knowledge to mother's day, where the family is traditionally expected to show extra love to the mom, helped me be humble enough to receive whatever came on mother's day with love and gratitude, no matter how non-Shaina-centric it was.


II.
Last week while studying the story of the prodigal son, I read Elder Holland's April 2002 general conference talk about that story twice and pondered it more deeply and honestly. The story has always bugged me. I've always been on the faithful brother's side. Where was his party? I never realized that stubborn irritation at the prodigal son's homecoming party was actually envy and pride. Envy that a wasteful sinner got a party, and pride in my own faithfulness. The God I believe in has mercy on everyone-- if not, I would not be able to make it back to him any more than the prodigal son. We all need repentance, and the fact that it is worth celebrating the return of a wayward brother or sister doesn't mean that the faithful can't have celebrations and rejoicings-- we can and do every day that we choose righteously! Rejoicing doesn't always mean throwing a party. Choosing to follow Jesus Christ is the starting point of daily rejoicing for all of us, whether we chose to follow him our whole lives or if we found our way back to the right path later.

Studying the story of the prodigal son last week helped me see how easy it is for good, faithful people to let pride and envy sneak in and "interrupt their rejoicings." In the past I have struggled with feeling pampered and loved "enough" on mother's day. I learned that I don't have to let those prideful wishes steal my joy. I can choose to be happy regardless of what others are or aren't doing! I'm so glad I was able to humble myself enough to be in that mindset on mother's day because as it turned out, Jeff took an anxiety pill on Sunday morning that completely knocked him out and I was left to go to church alone with the kids. My more humble mindset allowed me to be open to the most enormous series of tidal waves of love from the spirit that drenched me repeatedly throughout the entire 2 hours of church. I was a weepy wet mess, but I felt more love and appreciation and peace than I have ever felt on mother's day before.

I was able to choose not to be robbed of my joy on mother's day. When I had to go to church without my husband, the spirit entered my tender vulnerable heart and filled me with more love and appreciation than I could handle! It came out in random bursts of tears.


III.
I realized some other reasons why I didn't feel as bitter and needy this year for mother's day:

• I have been taking better care of myself by mindfully choosing activities that will help me feel restored and balanced, and I have not been waiting for free time to do these small self care activities. Instead, I have been making time for myself, and it makes such a difference!!
• I have been taking it easy on the housework, both cooking and cleaning. I still cook, but I have been cooking more in bulk so I don't have to cook every day. I don't stress about the crumbs on the floor (too much) and instead of feeling constantly peeved and burdened by the fact that the floor is always crumby, I've been doing my best to appreciate the few minutes that it's smooth right after I sweep.
• I have been expecting more from my family every day: everyone is getting better at doing chores and jobs and helping out more (as long as I specifically assign out the jobs) and it makes a difference. People still can be lazy but I've been working on not taking it personally. I have been working on shifting the chore dialog from "can you help ME do this?" to "can you help our family by doing this?" It's a subtle distinction that lifts a whole lot of my mental burdens.
• I have been taking charge of my own happiness. I am in charge of my own happiness. I don't have to wait around for other people to do something or not do something to help me have a good day, mother's day or otherwise. If something bothers me enough, I can take care of it myself.

Caveat: I have not arrived at any kind of a definitive destination with my self care and more easy-going mindset, but I have progressed from where I was at this time last year. The journey never ends, but I am moving forward, learning by trial and error as I go. It is a good feeling.

IV.
While I was doing my hair in our tiny bathroom on Sunday morning, Jeff squeezed past me and got out his new anxiety medicine. He knew from a previous trial that a half dose of this medication makes him rather drowsy, but he didn't know if a half dose would help combat an actual bout of anxiety. So Sunday morning when he felt anxiety coming on, he took a whole pill with a "let's see what this does." I was a bit uncertain about something so drastic right before church, but he was willing to give the full pill a try. Within ten minutes, he was completely incapacitated in bed. It knocked him OUT.

Feeling very grateful that I had already made sure to remove ALL of my expectations from mother's day, I got the kids ready for church on my own. Thankfully everyone had bathed the day before. Thankfully we were ready for church with 10 minutes to spare for my annual mother's day picture. I wasn't even feeling mad or annoyed when we took our picture! (a definite improvement over the past few years--hah) I was sad that I didn't have Jeff to take the picture, though, because I always take all of the pictures, and it is hard taking a picture of myself with my kids. Somehow I managed not to let that disappointment get to me. I was feeling impressively resilient on mother's day and THANK GOODNESS, because with Jeff out of the picture, I sure needed it.

By all accounts it should have been a bad day, but it wasn't. Even a few months ago, Sunday's combination of circumstances would have constituted a Bad Day for me. But not this time! All through church I felt so LOVED. It is lonely to take three energetic kids to church while my husband is in bed at home, especially on mother's day. After a week of studying and getting my pride in check, my perspective shifted. I felt humbler and my heart was softened. Throughout church I kept having strong impressions, thoughts, and feelings from the spirit:

• I am stronger than I was a year ago--more resilient, independent, able, and ready to shoulder the responsibility of our family by myself. (Not that I want to do it alone, but I feel more able to when the need arises.)
• I have learned and grown so much personally over the past few months, thanks to our series of struggles with Jeff's mental health. Even though I know all too well that I have a long ways to go, I feel much kinder and more forgiving, more willing to do what needs to be done without loftily expecting (or even privately hoping for) anything in return.
• Even though this is hard, I can handle it.
• God knows me and what I'm going through, and he loves me.
• My situation is lonely but I am not alone.
• During church I felt worried about Jeff and uncertain about what the next step is to manage his anxiety, but every time I felt that clench of concern, I received another tidal wave of love speaking peace: "I know. I understand. You're not alone. It's going to be ok." I have NO IDEA how this is going to work out or HOW it's going to be ok, but I kept feeling such a peaceful comforting love every time my thoughts turned to the stressful topic of Jeff's mental health. The phrase "perfect love casteth out all fear" took on a whole new meaning on Sunday. I literally was not able to stew or worry about Jeff while I sat in church. Every time I tried, I was swept away on another wave of love and peace.
• Somehow I felt lonely and uncertain but loved and calm at the same time.

I kept tearing up all through sacrament meeting, but only had to duck down, slip out my hankie, and dry at my eyes two or three times. It got more intense after that. I was turned around in our pew, talking to my friend between sacrament meeting and relief society when another wave of love and peace hit and tears started rolling--completely unrelated to our conversation. GOODNESS I hate crying in front of people, and there I was in the crowded chapel in between meetings with tears cascading down and my nose completely blocked up. We weren't even talking about anything too tear-inducing so my sudden wave of emotion was probably alarming and awkward. There was no stopping those tears though, so I tried my best to dab at them with dignity.

My eyes were puffy and my nose was sore from being wiped over and over and over during relief society. Usually when I feel emotional at church, it's directly related to what is being said or taught up front. But this time the spirit had a separate channel open and my weepy-ness was completely independent of what was going on in the lesson. That made it kind of awkward because people expect/condone the content-related type of emotion at church, but independent crying is harder to handle and people don't know whether to ignore it or ask about it or what. It didn't help that in the middle of it I couldn't even explain why I was crying! I just kept having tears and my nose was so stuffed it started dripping disgustingly. It's interesting that the feelings the spirit sent me on Sunday were not testifying of truths being taught; it was pure undiluted love poured directly into my heart. I just felt so grateful that I went to church on mother's day.

On Sunday afternoon while I was typing a therapeutic journal entry about my weepy time at church, Jeff wandered out into the land of the living. I briefly thought he was all better, and tried discussing the effects of the medicine and a future plan with him, but he was still a bit to groggy to really talk. I reigned in a twinge of irritation and sadness, and turned back to my laptop. Amber handled the situation much better. When Amber saw Jeff, she lit up and said "Daddy! You're back!" and ran to hug him. "Can you read me this story?" she asked. Jeff replied that he wasn't ready to read stories yet. "How about you read to me?" Jeff suggested. So Amber snuggled up and "read" library books to her daddy. I continued my restorative writing. A few hours later, the medicine had receded from Jeff's veins enough to allow for conversation.


V.
We paid Grama Leslie a mother's day visit on Sunday afternoon after Jeff perked up. We stayed for about 90 minutes and then went home, where Jeff made eggs and toast for dinner. We watched 2 Rick Steves shows about France, had family prayer, and then it was the kids' bedtime. I was all wrung out emotionally by Sunday night. Jeff offered to give me a mother's day massage, and I luxuriously looked forward to it while getting ready for bed. He ended up being too tired to make it happen. After an exceptionally resilient day, I suddenly felt a slight resurgence of selfishness, borne no doubt upon my fatigue. I was all used up emotionally and physically, and it was a sad lonely feeling that my husband wasn't able to do the small thing he had promised me. I read a book and slowly reclaimed my peaceful feeling before going to sleep.

Thus ended my tenth mother's day. I only hope I can hang on to all of the nuanced lessons and realizations I had throughout that week. It's already proving a challenge: Monday morning I woke up completely grouchy, back to being annoyed that the kitchen floor was crunchy and wishing my family would do something without my specific hovering commands. Monday morning I read a verse that jolted me into a renewed effort: "If ye have experienced a change of heart, ...can ye feel so now?" (Alma 5:26)

This is going to take some work. It's worth it. I am worth it. My family is worth it. We can do this.

Instagram caption: Pictures of motherhood are only as good as the nearest filter/cropping combo! For me, motherhood is mostly a confusing chaotic mess punctuated by intensely sweet moments, like today when I basically bawled my way through church because I felt all the feelings. I am so thankful for the sweet sustaining moments that tie it all together.

[same picture, zoomed out] I propped my phone on a bucket and it was not an ideal angle...

We resorted to selfie mode. Portrait mode blurred some of us oddly.

Ok, ok, I did get a little fed up with Amber's recalcitrance. Briefly.

She pouted about the face grab until I let her take this picture herself. Then she forgave me.

At church with my kids on mother's day!

Amber's library story time card that I helped make, and Rose's sweet note: "Dear Mommy, I love you sooooooooooooooooo much even tho it dosn't show that often. thank you for all your book sudgestgens. Love your favorit douder Rose." Her spelling is endearing.

Happy mother's day to Grama Leslie! I made sure to thank her for bearing my husband.

Here's a photo reel of our mother's day selfies in black and white because everything looks classier in black and white: