Stretch week

This week stretched me in all kinds of ways. Saying "I'm tired" seems redundant because when is a parent/responsible adult not tired? But my tiredness is the starting point for this post. I started trying to do separate posts with my thoughts about cross country this week as well as our family's weekly comings and goings, but everything is so tangled together that my tired brain can't seem to unravel cross country from my family. What it comes down to is that the cross country team becomes part of my family for two and a half months each year, taking up large quantities of time and energy, both mental and emotional. Hence the difficulty in separating the two--it's too tiring! My thoughts on both of them are all so interrelated that I am just going to have to resort to dumping it all together into the ole blog-blender, flip the switch, and see what happens.

We survived Jeff's last week of jury duty. He only ended up being called in once this week and once last week. Even though it could have been much worse, it still felt like a lot because every time Jeff went to jury duty, I had to coach 43+ teenagers by myself at cross country practice. Let's just say that crowd control is not my strong point, and on my second day of solo-coaching, one of the runners punched his teammate in the mouth! [see appendix below for details, aka the extended edition of Shaina Coaches Solo] 

It took me a few days to recover from the intense emotional strain of that situation, but I couldn't just pause life! Everything kept rolling forward: driving the kids to piano lessons and dentist appointments, taking Amber to her first two days of preschool (she loved it), grocery shopping, housework, parenting, etc. etc. etc.

I felt so battered by the week that it felt like I wasn't doing anything well. I was doing my best, but it felt so futile and unimportant. Part of my brain knew that those thoughts were more tired than true, but it was still a very discouraging series of days. The week improved after we got a volunteer assistant coach for cross country. I went from being the only coach on Monday to being one of three coaches on Tuesday. It was a wonderfully secure feeling, and I was able to remember how much I actually like cross country and coaching it. 

We managed to have two Come Follow Me moments this week--I won't call them lessons because they were so brief, but those moments were hard-earned and required a significant amount of patience and determination to create. One morning I read a Bible verse and said a brief comment about it. The second time was a few days later. During dinner Amber heard me saying "we need to do Come Follow Me" and she thought I said "follow follow me," like the phrase in one of her favorite primary songs. Immediately she got up from the kitchen table and started marching around the room chanting "Do as I'm doing, follow follow me!" Jeff and I looked at each other wearily across the table and he said "that's a good idea for a lesson." So we all got up and marched around the house singing Do as I'm Doing, taking turns being the leader. After we each had a turn being the leader, I said "follow Jesus!" and we called it a night.

This week I started walking for an hour per day with friends in the morning. It was lovely to walk and talk, although I had to take Wednesday off because my legs were tired and I needed to catch up on housework--for some reason I can only bear to vacuum and do laundry in the morning. I simply can't bring myself to do those chores later in the day. My running buddy of 3 years is moving away, so it's nice to have friends to exercise with. The only less-ideal part is that Amber has more stroller-time now. I tried getting her to ride her bike on the first day, but she kept getting tired and stubborn. 

There was no school on Friday due to a teacher in-service day. The high school teachers did not have in-service, though, so Jeff was home. We had a lovely relaxing day at home after a morning cross country practice. It was a much-needed calm in the eye of the cross-country-season-storm. Saturday morning we got up at 4:15am to get ready for the cross country meet. We pulled our kids out of bed at 5am and the team school bus left the high school at 5:30am. We had a nearly 3.5 hour drive to Clarkston, WA for our meet. It was another grueling long day, but our runners ran so well, we were stoked! They wore their snazzy new uniforms for the first time and five of our runners placed in the top ten across four races. I felt like one proud coach-mama, watching those kids work so hard to run their best in the races. Days like Saturday remind me why I do this crazy stressful exhausting job. These kids are fun and inspiring and tough! 

Jay, Rose, and Amber are the absolute best. They played on the playground and hung out at the meet all day for 5 hours and spent nearly 7 hours riding the bus to and from the meet. Amber went all out all day at the playground, playing with other kids and having a blast. Cross country meets at parks with playgrounds are the best for tag-along kids. Rose enjoyed playing with Amber and making a few loaves worth of PBJs for the team. She used nearly an entire big jar of peanut butter and the team chowed her sandwiches. Jay read in the shade a lot until I encouraged him to go play and move around while he could before the bus ride home.

We stopped at McDonald's with the team before leaving Clarkston (since there are no towns with actual fast food restaurants for a solid 2.5 hours outside of town). Plus, McDonald's gives coaches free meals when they bring their teams in. So Jeff and I got a free lunch. During the cross country meet, while I was out on the course cheering, I found a $20 bill lying in the middle of the path. I asked the few people nearby if they had lost $20, but nobody had. So I kept it and we used it to buy Jay, Rose, and Amber lunch at McDonald's. Free food all around! Haha. If only McDonald's was more nutritious.

Amber got lost twice during our 14 hour day. At the end of the meet, the team and us coaches all went to the awards ceremony. Rose was playing hide and seek with Amber but saw everyone walking away and joined the team without telling Amber. When we walked back to our tent by the playground, we saw Amber hunched over crying. She said "I lost Rosie!" Poor girl. While we were ordering food at McDonald's, Amber played in the indoor playground. When we went to find her to feed her, she was GONE. Nowhere to be found. Not again! Cue the mom-stress. Then she dashed out of the bathroom and back across the restaurant, proudly proclaiming "I just went potty all by myself!" Whew. So Amber lost us once, and we lost her once. That girl is determined to multiply my white hairs.

This week/coaching/parenting/LIFE was such a rollercoaster!

Here are two personal comforts I felt this week:

2 Corinthians 4:8 "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair" 

I felt overwhelmed and stressed with solo coaching during Jeff's jury duty, especially after Monday's fisticuffs. My stress has made it hard to feel like I have anything to give to my family (and it made my patience non-existent), so I have been feeling like I'm not doing well at both my coaching and my parenting this week. When I read about being "troubled on every side yet not distressed" it just sank into my heart and rang true. I silently prayed over and over for help while I was the only coach at xc practice, and I was able to compartmentalize the fear and stress, and handle the situation with a degree of external calm that surprised even myself in the moment. (saving my meltdown for later)

"I testify you are beloved. The Lord knows how hard you are trying. You are making progress. Keep going. He sees all your hidden sacrifices and counts them to your good and the good of those you love. Your work is not in vain. You are not alone. His very name, Emmanuel, means “God with us.” He is surely with you." --Sharon Eubank (April 2019 General Conference)

Beautiful beautiful words. My heart needed them after this week.

 First day of preschool! She was so excited! She had her backpack and yesterday's wild hairstyle, and she was ready.

It was a bit bright outside, but I had to take a first day picture of myself too--first school weekday in nearly 10.5 years without a kid at home with me. It was only for two hours, but still. It was a new sensation. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't get much of anything done, so on Amber's second day of preschool, I had a plan: ME-TIME. I played the piano all alone and finished reading a book. It was medicinal.

 I took Amb to the park while Jay and Rose were at piano lessons on Tuesday morning.

The clouds were puff-a-licious against that blue blue sky on Tuesday afternoon. The parking lot below them wasn't exactly scenic, but those clouds! 

Rose asked for dessert right at bedtime on Tuesday night. I said no, and she had a meltdown. I was SO tired, physically and emotionally, from cross country and the day in general that I had nothing left to give her but a hug. When I offered her a hug, I didn't think she'd want a hug from me, the Denier of Treats, but she ran right into my arms and we ended up snuggling and talking for ten minutes and feeling much better afterwards. It's nice to have magic hugs.

 Amber wanted to join our hug time.

 Amber also insisted that we admire this drawing.

 I found an old set of ABC cards I made when Jay was Amber's age. We had fun matching my hand-drawn pictures to their corresponding letters. I barely remembered making these awesome cards! I don't think I'd even think or want to make something like this now, so it was nice to coast off of past awesomeness. (Amber mixed the ABC cards with the round Spot-it game cards)

 I don't know what got into me, but I MOPPED our kitchen floor this week. The pattern on the linoleum is so splotchy that mopping rarely crosses my mind. Normally I spot-clean and sweep. While I was mopping, I scrubbed and scrubbed at a few dark spots only to realize that they were part of the floor pattern. Hah. But the floor felt silky smooth after I finished! Amber saw me scooting across the wet floor on a towel, and wanted to join in. She insisted we dry off the entire floor by skating around on towels. It was silly and fun.

 Minecraft time: a highlight of their day. Sigh.

 Rose spent the golden hour singing and dancing in the front yard on Wednesday night.

 Cereal sale! My family consumes cereal like oxygen.

 Living above ground after two years of sleeping in the basement is still rejuvenating. Every morning we wake up to the sunrise. This is the view from our bed.

 Hee hee hee. Jeff's hurt ribs are healing nicely. Now he's just really stiff, not in agony when he moves. So on his day off on Friday, he got out his virtual reality headset for the first time in months to play a game or two. He also put on his headphones and I grinned every time I looked over at him. I asked if I could take a picture and he said "wait until I'm moving around playing a game so I look extra silly/awesome." 

Wonder Woman made an appearance. 

 Amber always wants in on selfies.

Bus ride to Clarkston, WA (on the southeastern Washington/Idaho border). These two took the labels off of their water bottles and covered their mouths, breathing in and out to make the labels flap. All while watching a movie on an old cell phone in a baggie taped to the seat in front of them. With the golden palouse region of eastern WA rolling past the window. 

 Seat mates. I pilfered a team jacket out of the uniform supply box. We didn't hand out team warmup jackets this year because we only have a dozen or so left (people didn't return them over the years) and our team has 55 members. So I snagged one since I STILL have zero red jackets.

Long legs and school bus seats do not mix. Our bus was packed nearly to capacity and Jeff and I had to share a bench on the way home. My butt and legs are still cramped 24 hours later. Jeff and I had a fun time talking cross country shop, looking up results, and comparing runners' times all the way home.

 We passed through tiny Pomeroy, WA: childhood home of Jeff's mom. We made sure to point it out to the kids. "Grama Leslie lived here when she was a little girl!"

 The team tent.

 Don't let those smiles fool you--these are tough girls! How good do those new uniforms look? It's been a decade or more since the last uniform purchase. We did a fundraiser run last year to earn money for them: the runners collected pledges per kilometer, ran as many kilometers as they could in 90 minutes, then collected the money. It worked! We have new uniforms--although we didn't earn enough $$ for new shorts so everyone had to find their own shorts.

 Some boys strolling along the shady section of the course.

The meet was at Beachside Park right along the Snake River, so naturally the runners went for a swim after their races. 

8th place JV, 10th place varsity, 5th place varsity, 9th place varsity, 1st place JV. Kids who get up at 5am on a Saturday to run their hearts out are the cream of the crop.

Time for another busy busy week!

I copied the extended editions of my solo coaching days here for interested parties:

Appendix A

Here's a journal clip from Thursday, September 5th, my first solo coaching at cross country cross country practice of the season:

Jeff called the courthouse at the appointed time to see if he had to report for jury duty. He found out at 11:30am that he had to be in Yakima by 1pm. It's a 45 minute drive. SHORT NOTICE, ANYONE?? He had to get a sub and leave school early and I had to coach cross country all by myself. With Amber in tow--it felt like too short of notice to ask a friend to babysit. 49 or 50 runners showed up today. The minute Jeff called and told me the news about his jury duty, my stomach simultaneously clenched and plummeted. I felt ill and it was an hour before I could even manage to eat lunch. 1:49 is not an easy ratio! 

I spent the majority of the early afternoon talking myself through the upcoming challenge. I wrote a list of announcements for the team and itemized the workout on paper. Last night when I was praying for Jeff not to be called in to jury duty, I felt selfish and lazy because I knew I could do cross country practice alone (I've done it before), but I also knew it would be super draining, scary, stressful, and hard (especially with Amber in the mix). It was. 

Nothing went wrong at practice (THANKFULLY) but it was generally more chaotic and less contained than it is when Jeff is there. The knowledge that it was all up to me added a massive mental burden. I felt so inadequate and incompetent the whole time! 

Taking attendance was hard enough! Good grief, the website we use for attendance is exceedingly inconvenient to use, and it took me well over ten minutes to get almost everyone recorded. Thankfully/somehow I know 90% of the names so I didn't have to call out the names (that would NEVER have worked). We don't always record attendance so meticulously, but at the beginning of the season we have to keep track until everyone has their required ten practices to be eligible for competition. It is a nightmare with 50 faces and a phone screen-list. 

The high schoolers were their usual spunky chatty friendly selves, but it was nigh impossible for my quiet voice to corral all of the at once, or even reach the majority of their ears and be loud enough to drown out/encourage into silence the rest. When it was time to get started, I had to walk around the exterior of the group telling everyone to gather together. It was moderately humiliating. I yelled "Ok, I'm terrible at shouting, so come closer!" About half of them shuffled a few steps closer. I made a few announcements about the meet, forgot to inform them that we were doing core work after our run, and sent them on their way. I ran (pushing the jogging stroller) with the beginner runners to keep them moving. Amber yelled out imperiously from her stroller-perch "RUN FASTER!' and "Why are you walking already?" I swear the kids listen to Coach Amber better than they listen to me, haha. 

The teenagers themselves are really a great bunch of kids. I like them and their conversations and questions and jokes. I mean, teenage boys are more intimidating to me than girls, but even the boys on our team still all have a good enough vibe that I'm not utterly terrified of them. Yet somehow all of those interesting fun approachable individuals morph into a Big Scary Beast when they're all in a group together. Thank goodness for our two team captains--they led the core work and it was only slightly wilder than usual. I had to pace around the outside of the circle telling certain slacking people to DO the exercises. 

When practice finally ended, I was completely drained and discouraged. I felt equal parts weepy and irritable. I got Amber into the van somehow, then sent a slightly desperate slightly whiny Marco Polo message to my friend Danae in an attempt to help myself find the humor in my plight. Good friends matter.

While driving the 6 minutes home, I called Mom because I felt myself spiraling in humiliation and post-difficulty anguish and I needed her calm positive voice in my ear while I drove to stave off the meltdown. She is so good at calming me down and talking me off of my ledges. I nearly wept anyways, in gratitude. Jeff called at 5:15 just as I was getting home so I finished with mom and answered his call. He was on his way home. I gave him a garbled slightly-hysterical account of xc practice and nearly broke down again--the tears were loaded and poised to fall, my chest was tight, and I was about to let loose. Jeff comforted me and sympathized with me and then I took a shower. 

Jeff is my calming agent. Without his calm collected steady emotions to feed off of during practice today, I was at the mercy of the testosterone spikes that happened every time the wrestlers on our team started doing creative push-ups and every time the other guys found a tennis ball to play with, as well as the estrogen surge every time one of the girls complained about menstrual cramps. That sentence is not as well-crafted as the snarky silly thoughts in my head, but basically everyone was doing something and I had to pull them all together and get them to focus on my words and then on running, and it was difficult. 

So tonight Jeff stayed near me during dinner and then after the kids were in bed, talking and listening and being my comforting rock. Sometimes I worry that my needs may drain him to the point of causing him one of his anxiety spells or depression downturns, but I can't/won't hide my SELF or my feelings from him, and he wants to help me as much as I want to help him. I think we do an ok job of supporting each other when we need it most. Balance. Nothing seems exceptionally balanced during cross country season, but we are doing this. It is better together.

I need to add that Jay and Rose are stellar. It is hard for me not to be there right after school, but they do well with the situation and I am doing my best to be there for them when I am home. Although I was not emotionally there for them too much tonight. I about cried when I couldn't get my Gatorade bottle open, and sweet Jay and Rose both tried to help me. We couldn't get it. Finally I put the dish rag on the lid and cranked it with the last of my prehensile strength. It opened at last. Of course Jay and Rose wanted to try a sip--strawberry watermelon Gatorade may challenge blue Gatorade as our new favorite flavor.

Appendix B

Journal entry from Monday, September 9th, my second solo-coaching practice of the season:

Monday, September 9, 2019

9:12pm. What a day. After Jay and Rose got on the school bus and Jeff left for jury duty, Amber and I went on a 3.3 mile walk with friends. It was nice to walk and talk. Amber rode her bike about 2/3 of the way and intermittently walked/jogged along playing with her 2 year old friend Katelyn who was riding in a stroller. 

After lunch, I drove Amber to her first day of preschool! My first kid to attend preschool! Excited was an understatement. Amber ran into preschool, pausing for a quick obligatory picture outside, and never looked back. It was the easiest drop-off ever, for both of us. She did run up to me and hug me when I picked her up 2.5 hours later. 

Straight from preschool, Amber and I drove to the high school for cross country practice. Jeff was at jury duty, so I was coaching solo again. THANKFULLY, Grama Leslie met us at the XC tree and took Amber home for me so I didn't have to be a single mom of one wild child and a single coach of 55 teenagers all at once. Actually only 42 runners showed up today, but it was still plenty. I brought our whistle and a condensed, easy-to-use attendance sheet, and it made me feel much less frazzled and confused at the beginning than I was last time. 

Practice went quite well for the whole run. I worked hard on getting reluctant girls to run up the hill, but I can't force them. When the hill run was over and it was time for strides and drills, one of the boys was teasing/joking about how some of the girls ran more than most of the boys, and out of nowhere, another guy punched him in the mouth! HARD. I was right there when the punched kid went down, flat on his back. I gasped "ARE YOU SERIOUS!" in utter shock and horror, and thankfully the altercation ended there without further hitting or retaliation. 

I didn't know what to do! This was a worst-nightmare situation! Fired up testosterone-pumped teenage boys are like one of my biggest fears of all time for my entire life! The punched victim walked away to recover and I was glad to allow him the space. After doing some frenzied quick thinking for 20 seconds, I pulled the puncher aside and asked him what happened, listened to his side of the story, and then told him hitting has no place on our team. Then I told him "you're a runner. If someone irks you, RUN it off. Don't hit." He wanted to finish the drills and strides, so I let him. Later I had to tie his shoe for him because he hurt his hand so badly punching his teammate's jaw. 

Eventually the victim came back so I asked him what happened, and told him the same thing, that fighting is not allowed on our team. The crazy thing is when I looked into both boys' eyes right after the punch, they both had the same wild fear hurt completely disarmingly vulnerable searing looks in their eyes. Ugh, I had sympathy for both of them!

Jeff happened to call on his way home from jury duty right after the punch. I answered and talked to him while the team finished running their strides and drills. He was flummoxed, shocked, and not happy about it either. 

Bless our boys team captain for holding it together and getting the team through the drills after the chaos. He gained more points when we all circled up to do our team cheer after drills: he said "we're going to do our team cheer because we're a TEAM and we LIKE each other and we aren't going to HIT each other!" Well said, captain! Then we did our team cheer--both fighters included. 

After practice ended, the boys told an assistant principal about the incident and he came over to tell me what procedures to follow. So I reported it to the athletic director and he gave me some incident report forms to fill out. My stomach was a twisted knot after all of this confrontation. I couldn't bear to drive home in silence with all of those swirling thoughts and emotions, so I called Mom. Dad answered her phone and offered to go get Mom for me, but I needed someone to talk to NOW so I told him the whole garbled story in the 4 minutes remaining of my drive. He was sympathetic and supportive. I have such good parents. It HELPS to talk to them when I'm spiraling out of my mind with stress!