Awareness, adaptation, and waiting

Lots of thoughts have been building and swirling in my mind over the past two weeks. This post is my attempt to organize them, make sense of them, siphon them off, and share them. Hopefully it makes sense!

I. Awareness

For several weeks this summer, I felt somewhat spiritually stagnant, like I was going through the motions of daily scripture reading because it was the right thing to do, but not getting too much out of it. I understood that it isn't always fireworks; often it's quiet daily work with subtle small simple effects that aren't immediately visible. So I kept at it through the uninspired weeks, but it felt dull and hard.

In an Instagram post on August 2nd, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland wrote:

"During this COVID-19 pandemic, it has been interesting for me to have so [much] canceled and to spend more time with myself. That is something that I don't get a lot of opportunity to do. For any of us, it's an interesting experience to be the only person in the room and ask yourself whether you like the company. Personally, I'd say that there are some things I like about Jeff Holland, but some other things need work and improvement. I like to call this time alone with yourself "character time." It's a good exercise to ask hard questions and hope you like what you're able to answer.

"...I hope when things go back to normal--whatever normal is going to be--that I don't forget the feelings and experiences I've had during these months of reflection and solitude. 

"The scriptures testify of God's hope that we will turn to him voluntarily--His hope that we will choose to be reflective, righteous, and contemplative in a way that will all lead to His grand purpose and to our improvement. There are many ways that we can learn to be more careful, more thoughtful, more grateful, more spiritual--and I believe that for many of us, the COVID-19 pandemic is one of those ways. We would be foolish to miss out on this sacred opportunity to search our souls, do a little repenting, and look for how we can be better and kinder."

Talk about a wake up call! Thank you, Elder Holland! This time is a chance to learn to be more thoughtful and more spiritual. I can choose to embrace the numbness and sameness, or I can choose to embrace the TIME I have and use it to become more. (side note: quiet uninterrupted introspective time with kids at home is not the norm in any way, but still, effort matters.)

Without church on Sunday to reset the week and bring fresh spiritual perspectives into my heart, it's all too easy to become numb to with the sameness of the days (even with my trail running excursions). I think I will always have my share of tired uninspired days, but recognizing that different circumstances require spiritual adaptation helped me be more aware and therefore more able to battle the numbness. I don't want to be numb! 

Slowly, I worked to push back the numbness. Slowly, I worked on asking more questions while reading the scriptures. Slowly, I began to understand more and feel more again.

God is there, and he cares about each of us. He knows us individually. He hears us and hopes for us. He has been there all along, waiting for each of us to realize that he's there and to choose to turn to him.

In Elder Neil Anderson's April 2020 general conference talk, "Spiritually Defining Memories", he quoted Elder Oaks:

"Perhaps your prayers have been answered again and again, but you have had your expectations fixed on a sign so grand or a voice so loud that you think you have had no answer." 

Then Elder Anderson went on to say: 

"The Savior Himself spoke of a people with great faith who 'were [blessed] with fire and with the Holy Ghost [but who] knew it not.'" (3 Nephi 9:20)

II. Adaptation

Throughout this pandemic/quarantine, I have been expecting the voice of the spirit to sound the same as it does during "normal life," and not paying as much attention to what the spirit sounds like in my current life. Because life is different right now, it takes a different type of spiritual effort to make daily spiritual connections. Or, doing the spiritual work feels different because life is different. Or maybe it's less that that the spirit sounds different right now and more that my "sensors" have different barriers? Any or all can apply. 

What it comes down to is that I/we always need to be spiritually adjusting and adapting to the "devil's wiles," pandemic or not. The temptation to use this home-home-home time to take a spiritual snooze is constant--not that I actively want to stop trying, but it's easier than ever to slowly drift off. STAY SPIRITUALLY AWAKE! It's hard.

Elder Anderson said: "Embrace your sacred memories. Believe them. Write them down. Share them with your family. Trust that they come to you from your Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son. Let them bring patience to your doubts and understanding to your difficulties. I promise you that as you willingly acknowledge and carefully treasure the spiritually defining events in your life, more and more will come to you. Heavenly Father knows you and loves you!"

Writing helps me understand my thoughts. When I'm lazy, I don't write things down when I read the scriptures. For the past two weeks it was tempting to plow through the Book of Mormon war chapters mindlessly, to check them off and be done. But I was trying to shake off the numbness and stay spiritually awake and aware! So I buckled down. Spiritual work takes major brain power!

III. Waiting

Alma 58:3 is very appropriate for our current situation: "therefore it became expedient that we should wait". That about defines pandemic life right now! 

• Waiting to find out the schedule of online school for the kids.
• Waiting to find out Jeff's schedule for online teaching.
• Waiting for the pandemic numbers to decrease in our area.
• Waiting for a COVID-19 vaccine.
• Waiting for "normal life" to return.

Even though they "did wait in these difficult circumstances for the space of many months," the Nephite armies did not wait passively: 

• They worked and maintained the lands in their possessions. (Alma 58:3)
• They sent a embassy to the governor asking for aid. (Alma 58:4)
• They poured out their souls in prayer to God (Alma 58:10)
• They kept working on possible ways/searching for opportunities to defeat their enemies. (Alma 58:12-13)

Just like the Nephites, we have been waiting in [varying degrees of] difficult circumstances for many months. The wait has brought out all kinds of different reactions in all kinds of different people.

Moroni was angry that the government wasn't sending supplies and support to the armies, so he wrote a frustrated strongly-worded letter to the chief judge, Pahoran. Even though he had been wrongly accused, Pahoran chose not to be offended by Moroni's words: 

"You have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart... therefore, my beloved brother, Moroni, let us resist evil." (Alma 61:9 & 14) 

Waiting indefinitely is discouraging and frustrating. Even a great spiritual giant like Moroni was annoyed at a long indefinite wait! But he didn't just sit around being mad about it; he used the wait time to prepare himself and his people both physically and spiritually. 

I love the example of the active long-term patience of the Nephite armies and the specific heat-of-the-moment patience of Pahoran. It takes all kinds of patience to get through difficult circumstances! 

While we wait, we can adapt to stay aware and do the work.

Cousins and dirt forever and ever.

Sister selfie--blurry but sweet.