Sort-of Mother's Day

Mother's Day always falls right in the middle of track season, when Jeff is hanging on to his life-work-mental-health balance by his fingernails. He rarely has anything more to give on the second Sunday in May, and I should be totally fine with it. I mean, I do understand and I love him no matter what he does or doesn't do for me on Mother's Day, but I can't help feeling rather bereft anyways when nothing happens on that day. The past few Mother's Days have been somewhat underwhelming at best, and painfully disappointing at worst. Not that my husband and kids love me less or try to make Mother's Day awful. No, it all has boiled down to two things: my undefined hopeful expectations of being pampered somehow, along with Jeff's utter life fatigue and overwhelm. Add to that mix a clashing of love languages, and my whole family is left feeling a little abandoned, unloved, and underappreciated in different ways. 

I share my birthday with both my daughter and cross country season, and I share Mother's Day with track season and every other woman in the world. Is nothing my own? (Am I totally selfish? Probably. But part of being an adult is carving out time for myself and setting boundaries. I can't cancel Amber's birthday or stop saying happy Mother's Day to all of the stellar women I know, but that still leaves me wanting a day of my own.) 

So this year, I decided to preempt the Mother's Day letdown (mom pun intended) by discovering what I should expect and maybe even asking for Specific Things to make me feel special for the day. At the beginning of May, I asked Jeff point blank what I could expect on Mother's Day. His response made me very glad I had asked: "Ummm..." He paused and I swear could sense his trepidation. I jumped in and clarified that it could be anything from "I'm too overwhelmed with life right now, let's postpone it and celebrate Mother's Day later," on up; I just needed to know what to expect so I could manage my mood and reaction if and when nothing happened on a day when everything tells me that my loved ones should be showing me extra love. 

Jeff took the postpone-it option and we decided not to celebrate Mother's Day on May 9th like everyone else this year. I had Jeff pick out a new date for my own Mother's Day and put it in his calendar--he called it Shaina Day--and that was that. I was able to enter Mother's Day with zero expectations for real for the first time ever. In the past I have tried telling myself not to expect anything, without actually talking about expectations with my family. That did not work at all. Talking about expectations and then making changes this year was the right move. I felt normal when I got up on Mother's Day--no anxious musings or hoping about what was or was not going to happen. Just... peaceful and normal.

Amber was prepared and determined to celebrate Mother's Day, kindergarten-style, so she and I had our own little Mother's Day Moment in the kitchen where she carefully and proudly presented me with no less than ten handmade paper gifts. She made a few things at school but also worked to create a complicated stack of papercrafts at home for Mother's Day. It was so sweet how she showed me her handiwork one by one with a small pleased smile in place of her usual wide impish grin. Amber may be the most free-spirited wild hooligan of my three children, but she also has a very tender loving heart. It always surprises and melts me when her tender side peeks out.

To bolster myself against any potential discontent, I decided to celebrate for myself. I have learned that taking care of myself and doing things for myself are the best ways to be emotionally resilient so I can have what I need to care for my family. A Hallmark holiday is not necessary for me to do a little self-care, but it was a nice excuse to do a little extra. I ordered some fancy new running shorts from an actual women's running apparel company and enjoyed two sunny morning runs trying out the amazing new shorts. I gave myself permission to spend Saturday afternoon and evening away from home on a demi-date to a track meet with Jeff. It was as refreshing as it was exhausting. I got myself a fresh flowy floral wrap and cute belt to style my plain navy dress for Sunday. Simple sustainable self-care. I'm still working on sustaining it and accepting self love, but it's coming along nicely.

On May 9th, I still had Jeff take a picture of me with my kids per our Mother's Day tradition, but I relaxed my expectations there too. I did not think once about where/how to pose it or how it would look. It wasn't our official Mother's Day so it didn't officially matter if everyone looked ok or if the composition was on point. Or if the HVAC fan was in the background. We paused in front of our trash bin by the side door on our way out to church and Jeff snapped three quick pictures with my phone. 

As we entered church, I braced myself for an hour-long onslaught of clichés and platitudes about motherhood, but the talks were much tamer in that regard than usual, and I relaxed into them. After church, Jeff and I went on a walk in the beautiful sunshine. 

I made a massive rubbery doormat of a German Pancake for dinner that night, which really wasn't too hard to make, but it did take a while cracking 18 eggs and whipping up a non-dairy batch and milky batch, especially with hopeful helpful children at my elbows. When Jay sat down to dinner, he said in a satisfied voice "Happy Mother's Day, Mom." Like that was all he needed to do to celebrate his mother. A little of my repressed Mother's Day ornery-ness reared up at that, and I set my son straight with a laser beam: "Do you really think I would have cooked dinner if we were celebrating Mother's Day today?" I asked, already feeling a little bad about my slightly snappy tone. Jay paused and I could see the wheels turning in his head, like maybe he was realizing that "oh, maybe moms want something more than four last-minute words on Mother's Day." I took a deep breath to regain my inner calm and then reminded Jay that our family's official Mother's Day would not be for another couple of weeks, so he had time to make plans. 

Oddly enough, our sort-of Mother's Day was one of the better Mother's Days I've had.

Cute little chopped bedhead with her array of gifts. (This was the day after her epic self-haircut).

That orange person on the right is me. I know one picture is a rainbow, but I don't know what the other non-school papers are. Just art projects made for Mom.

I reached in and hugged all three of my kids at once, and everyone started squirming so much we all toppled over backwards onto the stairs right after the pictures were taken.

I used my biggest baking sheet for the 12 egg German Pancake, and it climbed all over the oven! It had already sunken down significantly when I took this picture. It reminded me of a heavy rubber doormat.

Black and white and careful cropping calms and upgrades even the most ramshackle side-porch pictures.

I love my kids.