I haven't had a day to call my own in twenty years. One of my best friends in high school had the same birthday as me. When we went our separate ways for college, I ended up sharing a birthday with my beloved college roommate. Since we're still best friends, that birthday sharing didn't end with college graduation. And now on top of that, I also share a birthday with Amber. I love and value all of these people greatly, but November 4th does tend to feel a bit...crowded.
It felt shockingly selfish having a Shaina Day so randomly plunked in the middle of nowhere, so far from the other meaningful days in my year. Since it was such a random day nowhere near my birthday and several weeks after the hype of Mother's Day, I almost felt bad having another day for me...until I remembered the highway robbery feeling of sharing my other two days, haha. Either I am naturally selfish or I have been forced into sharing special days for so long that I want what I haven't had since middle school: a day of my very own.
I woke up at 6:20am to Jeff rummaging around in the box under our bed in search of a gift bag, but I laid in bed for nearly another hour wishing I could sleep more and luxuriating in the laziness. When I came out to the kitchen, I saw that Jeff had hung the birthday banner and put two gift bags on the table. Everyone sang the birthday song with the words changed:
"Happy Shaina day to you, happy Shaina day to you, happy Shaina day dear Shaina, happy Shaina day to you!"
...and then urged me to open my gifts. I was still feeling a bit groggy from my hour of bed-lounging, so when I pulled a computer keyboard out of the first bag, I was pretty surprised. The other bag had a new LAPTOP inside. WHAT? It wasn't just any laptop, it was a fancy expensive Microsoft Surface Pro. I hardly knew what to think. Over the past few years, Jeff has started to love shocking me with extravagant gifts. It sweet and thoughtful but in my groggy state, stress seeped in. I loved my cute little 2 year old mini laptop. I detest and resist change in electronics (and the setup of a new device). I didn't need a new computer at all--such a thing wasn't even on my near horizon. The doubts spiraled and confused me (mixed with guilt over not even knowing if I wanted to keep the fancy schmancy gift, etc.). Jeff told me he would do the computer setup for me as part of the gift (because he knows I hate doing that stuff). I ate my toast with the shiny unopened box sitting/looming in front of me. At last I told Jeff he could open it, and he started the setup process before we went to church.
Jeff monitored Amber's shower and got her to wash more by herself and more quickly than I ever manage to. We got to church early. Jeff warned me that his anxiety was hovering at uncomfortably high levels, so I encouraged him to sit out in the foyer during sacrament meeting to manage it (we've learned that being in the midst of a large group triggers his anxiety response). I tried not to feel forlorn or flash back to all of the past Mother's Days that have been sabotaged by Jeff's anxiety (which is always hovering close to the surface as track season and the school year draw to a close).
While we were waiting for church to start, out of the blue, Amber said "I want to bear my testimony." She has never wanted to do that before! Gulping at the idea of Amber free-speaking in the microphone in front of the whole ward, I quickly quizzed her and reviewed what kinds of things to say in a testimony. Then I waited to see if Amber would actually do it. At the beginning of testimony meeting, Rose was the first person up to the podium. I admire her courage! She bore a short, sweet testimony. While Rose was up front, Amber whispered to me "I'm going up there next." I am so petrified of going up front/being up front that I didn't even offer to go with her for moral support! I figured if she wanted to go, she could go, and I would watch from the safety of my seat. I dreaded what would happen if she started rambling about non testimony-ish stuff and needed a parent to go up and cut her off. Because Jeff was in the foyer, it would be up to me to figure out how long to let Amber free-form it up there! And Amber isn't exactly the "come-quietly" type if she gets interrupted before she feels that she's done.
Anyways, I suppressed visions of horrific possibilities of brawling with Amber at the podium while Rose finished speaking and Amber marched up front. Someone pulled over the heavy stool for her to stand on so she could reach the microphone. I sat there with my heart pounding and disguised my nerves by smiling up at her.
Amber said a cute jumble of church words. "I know about the Book of Mormon verses" is the only complete sentence I can recall. I wish I could remember all of the things she said, but she has never been one to worry overmuch about careful articulation of her thoughts, so all I remember is church words muffled through her mask. Tossing out a few more churchy phrases, she finished with the traditional "in the name of Jesus Christ, amen." As she walked back to our pew with shy-but-pleased expression on her face, I breathed a sigh of relief. She actually seemed a little nervous, which is an unfamiliar look on my intrepid adventurous fiery daughter. I told her good job and gave her a hug. It was such a sweet beginning to a very good meeting.
I felt the spirit touch my heart over and over all through testimony meeting. It filled my heart with love and peace, and melted my other stresses and concerns. Even though my husband wasn't sitting with me, I felt that pure love and support flow straight from heaven into my heart. The Lord knows how to fill in the gaps left by my husband's mental health. I am so thankful. Jeff made it through church and managed his anxiety enough so he didn't have to take drastic measures (retreat and medicate) at home. It threw another element of guilt into my Shaina Day on top of my reluctance to accept my fancy laptop gift. I didn't want Jeff to feel obligated to do things for me when he wasn't feeling great. But he had chosen today for my day because he thought it would work! So I let him take the lead.
At lunch, Jeff monitored the kitchen activity much more closely than usual and policed the kids into putting things away. He actually took on my role of pointing to individual food items and dishes that still needed to be put away. It was strange having someone else do that. Strange, but NICE. Jeff listened to my concerns about his expensive computer gift, eased my mind, and then set up my new computer for me. I am typing on it now, and I am already starting to like it. Figures, haha. Then Jeff sat as a buffer between our bedroom and the rest of the house so I could have a few quiet hours to myself in the afternoon to read and think.
Jeff surprised me further by getting each of our kids write me a note. The girls got more artistic than wordy, folding and taping blue papers into interesting bulky shapes and then writing "To Mom" on it.
Amber's card said "Too Mom W Love Amber. I love Mom W love Amber." She informed me that the W stood for White.
Rose filled her origami-ish blue triangle with adjectives and phrases: "Love you, Mom rocks, 'Loveing,' helpful, You are Supermom! Love Rose"
Jay wrote me a short, direct letter: "Dear Mother, Thank you for everything you have done for me and the sacrifices you make to help me, you are the best mother ever, thank you. --Jay Mother? Is that me? I got a kick out of his formality.
We were going to get Thai food on Saturday to save for Shaina Day Sunday dinner, but it didn't happen. Sunday evening, when Jeff asked me what I wanted for dinner, I could tell he didn't have much steam left in him. Since Jeff doesn't really do sensitive-stomach-friendly cooking (he's all dairy all the time), we had leftovers (there were plenty of leftovers from the week because I may not cook everyday, but when I do cook, I cook in big batches). After dinner, Jeff said for the last part of Shaina day, the kids needed to clean up, do the dishes, and then meet us for family prayer in an hour. He and I retreated to our bedroom and watched some Golden Girls together while he gave me a foot rub (this show-watching and foot-rubbing is our regular nightly routine, but we did it earlier than usual so we could have peace and quiet while the kids cleaned up).
I had barely moved all day, so I went on a slow one mile walk by myself after the kids went to bed. It was a mellow gorgeous June evening. While I walked, I prayed and thought and processed the day, recognizing Jeff's efforts to show his love. Those selfish guilty feelings for even wanting and accepting this Shaina Day seeped back in again, but I carefully replaced them with gratitude for Jeff's efforts. All day Sunday I kept relishing the fact that I didn't have to compromise on what I wanted. I didn't have to share my day at all, and it felt better than expected!
Family prayer at the end of Shaina Day.
My former mini laptop on top of the new bigger one. It's crazy how much bigger the new one feels, even though it doesn't look that much bigger when they're stacked together!
Testing out my new computer.
Three cards from three kids. Jeff said he wanted to write me a letter too, but he couldn't manage it with his mental state. He managed quite a bit of other things, though, and I told him I will always accept a love letter from him, whenever he wants to write one.
Scenes from my slow pensive stroll.
I love my family so much, and it was nice to feel extra loved by them for a day!
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