March Rollercoaster

The first week of March always requires me to make rapid gear shifts, but this one was a doozy, even for March. The constant woosh and rush of wild March wind makes everything seem more urgent, more desperate, and less comfortable. My journal entries always seem to be more detailed when I'm in crisis mode, so this is a copy-paste-and-edit-for-coherence journal post.

Monday, February 28, 2022: What a day. I had a lot of housework on my list today (laundry, meal plan, grocery shopping, vacuum, make bread, make dinner). Right after the girls caught the school bus this morning, Jeff texted and asked if I would come help out at track practice in the afternoon, since one of the assistant coaches was out with a back injury. I reluctantly said yes. So I rushed through all of my work (and fit in a run and a short yoga sesh) and even managed to put dinner in the instant pot and rice cooker before picking Jay up from school. After I had dropped Jay off at home, I turned around and drove back to the school for track practice.

It was the first day of track practice, and so many things went wrong! Nobody got injured or punched, but that's where the luck ended. It was cloudy and super windy, with sporadic rain. There was a chemical fire south of town, blowing black gross fumes of smoke into town on the wind. Apparently some fertilizer caught fire. Crazy! The chemical fire caused all sports practices to be moved indoors.  The elementary schools had a shelter in place order, so the school buses weren't taking kids home. I got a few messages from the school about it at the beginning of track practice and figured the buses would be running again soon, since the fire was put out relatively quickly. 

School mandates are a slow working machine, though, so we were still required to have all of track practice indoors. Jeff was a champion on his first day as head track coach, adapting on the fly over and over. 

About halfway through the track kids' indoor run, Rose's teacher texted me asking if I was going to come pick up Rose since the buses were still not allowed to drive due to the chemical fire that was no longer burning. It was 4:10pm, half an hour after the elementary school let out. WHAT. My kids were stranded at school and I was wasting my time at track practice! I said bye to Jeff, picked up Rose and Amber, and went home. 

My stint as volunteer assistant track coach lasted about an hour. Tonight I backed out. I feel strongly that this is NOT the time for me to get involved in track. It's a black hole; the job will take, take, and take, and no matter how much I give, track will always want more. We have such a short amount of time with our kids home, I refuse to sacrifice that time to help other kids. My priority is my own kids. I love the track kids and it feels good to be needed, but now is not time. Coaching cross country is my max.

I felt empowered after advocating for myself and my kids, but also with a good amount of anguish mixed in, because I know that by backing out of track, I am making things harder for Jeff. He pointed out that I am making life easier for him by taking care of our kids, which is true, but he also does still need another assistant track coach, thus inspiring all kinds of conflicting emotions in me. 

Wow. Today was a rollercoaster. I'm all tuckered out. I'm glad Jeff supported my decision not to help out with track, but it's hard to feel fully supported when he's so worn out, and it's hard to believe that me backing out isn't contributing to his fatigue. Why do I insist on taking on unnecessary blame? If a friend explained this exact situation to me and asked for my advice, I'd tell them to do the same thing I did and I'd also tell them not to feel bad about it. Sigh. 

Tuesday, March 1, 2022: Another wild windy day. There was no chemical fertilizer fire today, though, so that was good. I went on a run in the wind this morning. Today was change the sheets and fold the laundry day, so I turned on the Follow Him podcast to listen while I worked. It took me the entire 45 minute podcast to finish changing the sheets and folding the laundry!

While I was folding laundry and listening to the podcast, one thing that they said hit me so hard. They were talking about how most people teach Jacob stealing Esau's birthright and blessing wrong. It wasn't a negative sneaky thing at all; it was Rebecca acting on inspiration. God had told her that Jacob would be the blessed, and she was following through on that personal revelation. The guys on the podcast said that Rebecca gently reminded Isaac what needed to happen, and Isaac probably thought "I was wrong, and wow, my wife  is so in tune with the spirit."

When I heard them say that, I had an overwhelming flood of peace and love in my heart regarding my decision not to coach track this year. I finally felt fully confident that my decision was not just me being wimpy or weak, not just me backing out of a challenge, but the RIGHT choice for my kids and family's wellbeing. It was me making a stand to defend and strengthen my family. It was such a comforting moment. 

The story they were referring to wasn't even part of this week's Old Testament Come Follow Me lesson; it was in last week's chapters, but the BYU professor guest speaker brought it up as a reminder that women in the Old Testament were not always as sneaky and deceitful as they were portrayed; more often than not, they were seeking revelation and acting upon it when they did the things recorded in the Bible stories. I love that angle, that shift in perspective.

I picked up Jay from school today and chatted about his day on the drive home. I was home when Rose and Amber got off the bus, and we talked about their days. They had their hour of decompress screen time, and afterwards Amber was feeling overly emotional. I was home to talk her through it and encourage her to find a quiet relaxing activity so she could rest. Eventually she cheered up and we played two card games together. Afterwards Amber played happily with the cards and I felt good about helping her through her emotions.

Jeff got home around 6pm, and I had dinner timed almost perfectly for his arrival. It was a nice, measured, cozy evening. I contrasted tonight with last night, and it was easy to see how much better tonight was because I was home prepping and handling everything. That's not meant to be a prideful statement; just a fact. Having a parent at home all the time creates stability and comfort. Happy face, calm heart.

Wednesday, March 2, 2022: Amber, at breakfast today: "Mom, I'm going to name my kids after gems and flowers."

"Which ones are your favorite names?" I asked.

Amber rattled them off, clearly having thought it through carefully: "Opal, Amethyst, and Obsidian. Obsidian isn't a gem, but it's still a kind of rock." 

Amber didn't end up having any flower names picked out. Just rocks. Rocks forever. Amber loves rocks. I caught her sneaking a handful of what looked like gravel inside the other day. (Our rule is rock collections stay outside.)

Jeff' is still recovering from long term effects of Covid, so he has been extra tired each night, especially this week since track practice began. I am doing my best to brace myself and shore up my reserves for  the three months of track season. I can do this, but it's going to take specific work. Wow, the need for my annual track season mindset shift snuck up on me amidst my personal track coaching crisis earlier in the week. Time to switch gears!

Tonight, Jeff got home right as I was leaving to take Jay to his young men's activity at the church. I had a Relief Society presidency meeting during the youth activity, so I didn't see Jeff again until almost 8:30 when Jay and I got home. 

Thursday, March 3, 2022: I ran 5 miles this morning! And my watch said I only needed 23 hours to recover! Finally, visible numeric progress. I know I still have a lot of work to do till I'm "fully functional" again, but it felt good to feel good on my run today. A good chiropractor makes a huge difference.

Five mile run aside, I took it pretty easy on myself today because I felt rather emotionally drained after yesterday (and really this whole week). It felt good to slow down and do something frivolous for myself. I watched a few episodes of a darling Chinese drama on Netflix (called The Rational Life). Watching TV during daylight hours always feels extra decadent to me because I do it so rarely. 

Day four of track season, aka extra-tired husband: It's tough to find the line between voicing my needs and giving Jeff the rest and space he needs when he comes home. I haven't really come up with a solid solution or answer, beyond take care of myself more intentionally during the daytime while I can, so my cup is full enough to handle my family coming home and dumping their daily drama on me without asking how I'm doing. That sounded rude. For the record, I always ask them to dump their daily drama on me. I want to know about it. I just need to be prepared for it. Hence the need to take time for daytime self-care.

For the record: Friday was another Shaina-care day, and by Friday afternoon, I felt much recovered and more like myself.

I took this picture of the bleak black chemical fire smoke when I picked up Jay from school on Monday. The smoke was blacker in person.

This was a dress-up week for Rose and Amber. On Sports Day, they asked me for some sports clothes, so I gave them my cross country coaching apparel. They were so cute, representing Sunnyside's least-known sport.

Jeff: A few boxes of track supplies are being delivered today. Can you bring them to the school when you pick up Jay?

Me: sure.

Mailman: Here are your packages.

I barely squeezed them all into our van with all of the seats folded down!

March is fertilizing time in Sunnyside. I call these nasty spewing trailers poop trucks. They have been all over the fields and roads this week.

It's a rush when one of these massive beasts passes me on the road while I'm running. Today, two passed me at once, going opposite directions on the road. I cowered in the dirt and shielded my face from the cloud of stinky debris that trailed behind them.

March: the month where I take multiple pictures of the sky almost every day. I may not like the wind, but it sure does awesome dynamic things to our big wide sky.

Eastward in evening, with the gorgeous afterglow of sunset shining across the fields behind our house.

Crazy hair day! 

Above: before school; below: after school. The hairdos I threw together stayed in better than expected!

Rose said she liked having bangs for a day.

When Rose took her all-day high bun out, her hair fluffed out like a lion's mane. 

More pristine pre-spring scenery. We aren't too far away from the canals being filled again, and then life will really come back to our valley.

Mt. Adams on the horizon across a wintering mint field. I love how some varieties of mint turn  brownish orange during winter.

This barn is almost too perfect. I had fun with bucolic photography while I was on my run today.