Talk: The Importance of Love

I spoke in church today! To get into a religious mindset, here's a pretty mountain picture that I took from the Pacific Crest Trail in Chinook Pass earlier this week:

I am a type-it-word-for-word-and-read-it-at-the-podium speaker, so here's my talk:

Applying the Pure Love of Christ

Good morning! One day four years ago when I was a timid new assistant high school cross country coach, Jeff had jury duty–usually not a big deal, except he's the head coach. So that left me alone at practice as the only coach of 55 teenagers—47 of whom were boys. Even though only 42 kids showed up that day, I was petrified. To my surprise, the run went relatively well. Nobody got lost and everyone made it back to the school after the run in one piece. While we were waiting for the last two girls to finish the run, I put the boys team captain in charge of the form drills. As they shuffled into place, the team was talking and joking. I mentally patted myself on the back and thought to myself, “Why was I so nervous? Solo coaching isn’t that bad after all!”

Then one boy joked, “wow, the girls ran for longer than the boys today!” Out of nowhere, a hothead kid punched him in the mouth. Hard. Right in front of me. The punched kid went down, flat on his back, on the ground at my feet. “Are you serious!?” I gasped. This was the first time I had witnessed an actual angry face punch in real life. It was awful. I didn't know what to do! Fired up, irrational, testosterone-pumped teenage boys are one of my biggest fears of all time!

My topic today is the importance of love. In the April 2017 General Conference, Dieter F. Uchtdorf said:

“We may become liberated from …fear by the divinely appointed antidote to fear: the pure love of Christ, for ‘perfect love casteth out fear.’ Christ’s perfect love overcomes temptations to harm, coerce, bully, or oppress. Christ’s perfect love allows us to walk with humility, dignity, and a bold confidence as followers of our beloved Savior. Christ’s perfect love gives us the confidence to press through our fears and place our complete trust in the power and goodness of our Heavenly Father and of His Son, Jesus Christ. In our homes, in our places of business, in our Church callings, in our hearts, let us replace fear with Christ’s perfect love. Christ’s love will replace fear with faith!”

The antidote to fear is the pure love of Christ, yes. But what does that really mean? How do I use love to counteract fear in real life?

After the face-punch cross country practice, the punch-er ended up in a cast with a broken hand from punching his teammate's jaw. I filled out the requisite accident reports and the school administration took over from there. [Needless to say, I really dread jury duty.]

When we circled up to do our team chant at the end of the face-punch practice, our boys team captain (Reid Weaver) said, "we're going to do our team chant because we're a TEAM and we LIKE each other and we aren't going to HIT each other!"

Reid’s slightly exasperated comment to the team that day has stuck with me. In a few simple words, he highlighted the importance of loving one another and how that replaces fear, anger, and other negative emotions with kindness and teamwork.

As members of the church, we know we are on the same team, and we like each other as brothers and sisters, and I’m pretty sure we don’t want to hit each other. But the pure love of Christ goes beyond simply being members of the same church, calling each other brother and sister, and not hitting each other.

Doctrine and Covenants 19:23 gives us more ways to build up our charity: “Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me.”

Learning about Jesus Christ and doing our best to follow his example are excellent places to start, and they definitely bring peace. But there’s even more to seeking charity! Mormon gave us another way to work on cultivating the pure love of Christ in ourselves:

“But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. Wherefore, …pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love” (Moroni 7:47-48)

So, we learn about Jesus Christ, do our best to follow his example, and pray to be filled with his love. That’s a lot, but there’s more!

1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.” For most of my life, I understood this scripture to mean that because God loves me, I can feel comforted when I am afraid. That is definitely one good interpretation of these words, but recently I came to understand a deeper meaning.

In spring of this year, after much agonizing over the decision, I applied and was hired as the Harrison Middle School head track and field coach. That old deep-seated fear of teenagers and being in charge of teenagers reared its head. I realized how complacent I had gotten in my role as an assistant coach. As the full weight of responsibility settled on my back, I was scared again of being fully in charge of 40-plus teenagers for a whole entire season. Yikes.

Preparation has always been my personal antidote to fear, so I prepared everything I could think of before the season began. I was extremely prepared on paper. I had a season plan mapped out, workouts prepped, a daily practice routine outlined, and attendance sheets made. I even had a plan on how to minimize bad language on the team. But I was still scared. I remembered the face-punch practice and worried that I would have an entire track season of contention and stress!

To repeat, Elder Uchtdorf said: “We may become liberated from …fear by the divinely appointed antidote to fear: the pure love of Christ, for ‘perfect love casteth out fear.’ …Christ’s perfect love gives us the confidence to press through our fears.”

In his most recent general conference talk, our prophet President Nelson said:

“Charity is the antidote to contention. …Charity is the principal characteristic of a true follower of Jesus Christ. Charity defines a peacemaker. When we humble ourselves before God and pray with all the energy of our hearts, God will grant us charity. …the pure love of Christ is the answer to the contention that ails us today.”

Both Elder Uchtdorf and President Nelson used the word “antidote” when speaking of the pure love of Christ: The pure love of Christ is the antidote to fear. Charity, the pure love of Christ, is the antidote to contention. An antidote is something that counteracts poison. That is strong imagery, and a bold promise.

Still, as middle school track season drew closer, stabs of worry and fear would wake me up in the middle of the night. One night I prayed for peace so I would not be so scared anymore. Nothing happened. I kept praying, and ended up asking to simply feel God's love so I could feel better and get some sleep. I was flooded with a wave of love that swept through my whole body, acting like a muscle relaxant and confidence booster all in one. In that quiet sweet moment, the Spirit taught me in a new way that love really was the answer. In all of my preparations, I was operating from a place of fear, when I needed to operate from a place of love. It seemed like a small distinction to make, and in some ways it was, but as I worked to change how I felt about the actual kids I was going to be coaching, replacing fear with love, it made a huge difference.

This experience gave me a much deeper meaning to the verse "perfect love casts out fear." I realized I needed to stop holding my fear so close, so I could let go of it and replace the fear with love. I visualized removing that shaky sharp clenched tangle of fear out of my middle and replacing it with a soft warm glowy gentle core of love. Every time I started feeling fear and doubt creep in, I replaced it with love and faith—faith in God and myself, and love for the teenagers. It took a lot of thought and effort, but it was a powerful lesson to me about following Jesus Christ's example. He always operates from a place of love--everything he has ever done for us stems from his love for us.

Soon after this quiet moment of midnight inspiration, but before track season began, I was at the middle school checking gear in the equipment closet. I finished up and walked outside as school let out. Crowds of 6th, 7th, and 8th graders swarmed the sidewalk. I was surprised to feel a surge of maternal love for them rather than my usual desire to shrink and hide. I smiled and waved instead of averting my eyes and dashing to the car. Everything clicked in my head. Love isn’t just about feeling God’s love for myself and then going forth to do scary hard things; I need to feel God’s love for me, work to feel that love for others, and then draw from that well of love in my interactions with others.

Applying the Christlike attribute of love, or charity, to something as small and narrow as coaching a middle school track team almost seems like an unnecessary or irreverent use of a vast gift, but God cares about the little things as well as the big things, and this little thing was a big deal to me. I am so thankful for this meaningful lesson of replacing fear with love—love for God, love for myself, and love for those around me. My first season as head middle school track coach was definitely not easy, but it was mostly fearless and a whole lot of fun.

So, we learn about Jesus Christ, do our best to follow his example, and pray to be filled with his love. Then we allow ourselves to be filled with His love, and honestly feel it for ourselves and for others. Once we let Christ’s love in, then as we go forth we can use that love as a reference point for our interactions with others—a well to draw on as needed in any situation. This worked for me on a squirrely 7th grader on the track team who stabbed his enemy in the stomach with a pencil. It works for me when I get my introverted self to talk to new people at church. Cultivating the pure love of Christ in myself worked for me when I had dear friends come out on the LGBTQ spectrum, and it has given me the honor of being a positive part of their journey. It helps me deal with the clutter that my family leaves around the house, although I need to work on applying more love and patience in that situation. Doing the spiritual work to cultivate the pure love of Christ in myself is worthwhile work that helps me navigate the bumps, curves, and hills of life.

Speaking of hills…a few weeks ago at the end of June, Jeff and I went on the youth handcart trek as a Ma and Pa. We were assigned a trek family of nine youth, ages 12-17. We spent most of the three and a half days of the trek with our trek family, and it was a privilege to learn with and from the bright shining youth. Three and a half days is not very long to get to know people, but we learned again that we don’t have to know someone well to love them. The shared experience of working together to push and pull a rickety wooden handcart up and down dusty hills forged a bond of love in our trek family. One question I have pondered since the trek is: in my everyday life, do I allow my trials and struggles to strengthen my bond of love with God and with those around me? We are all in this life together, so instead of going it alone and isolating ourselves in our struggles, why not use those struggles to build faith and love? 

One of the highlights of the trek was the youth challenge. The youth were left without Mas and Pas for a few miles of the trail, and each group had to work together to pull the handcarts up a massive hill. The Mas and Pas hiked on up ahead to wait for the youth at the top of the hill. Jeff and I were winded after hiking up that long steep hill without a handcart. As we climbed, we wondered how the kids in our trek family would handle the hill. We expected it to take a long time, but barely half an hour later, we heard that the youth were coming already! I lined up with the other adults to cheer for the youth at the hilltop.

As a cross country coach, I am no stranger to finish lines and all of the accompanying emotions in that setting. The truth is, every season I tear up at most race finish lines as I watch kids that I have grown to love push themselves to the edge as they head for that finish line. At the trek, I did not expect to feel those emotions at all, but as the first handcart  crested that enormous steep mile-long hill not at a trudge, but at a RUN, tears came to my eyes, accompanied by a surge of love for these amazing youth. Watching kids do hard things and conquer challenges is a powerful experience as an adult. 

The evening after that challenge, we gathered in companies of about 50 kids and gave each participant a chance to share something that they had gotten out of the trek so far. Most of the youth started their comments by saying how amazing their trek families were. In just two short days, they had grown to love this group of people that they did not know before the trek. That is the power of love through teamwork and service. We are stronger together, and when we work together in our families, in our ward, and in other groups, we grow in love for each other and become more unified. Love invites service and brings unity. 

During that evening company gathering at trek, the insights of the youth blew me away! My favorite comment came from a young woman in another trek family. She said, “Sometimes I would be feeling strong up front pulling the handcart. When I got tired, the leaders told me to just hold onto the back of the handcart for dear life and let the cart's momentum pull me along. That taught me that sometimes in life we feel strong and can do a lot, but other times we need to hang on for dear life and let others help pull us along.” I loved that insight–that young woman was so right! 

Life is full of phases–some long, some short–and one of the reasons we have an organized church is so that we can take turns pulling and being pulled. As we cultivate the pure love of Christ in ourselves, it helps us willingly let a brother or sister hold onto us for dear life and ride our momentum until they recover their strength. It is important to love one another no matter where we each are in our journey.

That’s what Jesus Christ does for us: regardless of where we are in our journey, His love is constant. Our job is to love each other and hold space for each other to exercise our agency on our individual journeys, no matter what each person’s journey looks like. Whether we are up front pulling hard or in the back hanging on by a fingernail, we can choose to follow Jesus' example and show love to each other, just like He does for us.

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said: “I think of our Lord and Exemplar, Jesus Christ, and His short [mortal] life.…When He interacted with those around Him, they felt important and loved. He knew the infinite value of the people He met. He blessed them, ministered to them. He lifted them up, healed them. He gave them the precious gift of His time.” (Oct 2012 General Conference)

Jesus Christ always placed love first in every interaction during his mortal life, and if we pay attention, we can too. I know that Jesus Christ lives and loves us. I know that when we do our best to learn and follow Jesus Christ’s example, pray to be filled with his love, and allow ourselves to be filled with His love, then we will be able to draw on his love everywhere we go.