The end of February

Some people are amazing at surviving on little sleep, but I am not one of them. On the eve of turning 4 months old, Amber usually only wakes me up once each night these days. On a bad night she wakes me up twice, but that has only happened once or twice a week in the past month. In the way of babies and sleep, I know I have it pretty good. BUT I’m still exhausted! My brain is fuzzy and if I sit still for too long, it likes to slip away into a semi-conscious daze.

So: Shaina’s sleep deprivation. Old news. Now onto the pictures! Believe it or not, I still have plenty of un-posted February pictures.

On a quiet Saturday afternoon, I taught the big kids how to carry Amber. It was hilarious, and harder for them than I thought it would be. Amber looks huge when Jay and Rose carry her! I guess Amber is nearly half of Rose’s weight.

Rose, teaching Amber about Queen Elsa and reading a story to her princesses.

Hanging out after school.

A trip to the post office. Kids will lay down anywhere! I remember doing the same thing when I was little—laying down on public floors.

How does she sleep like that??

  

In February I tried on my jeans for the first time in over a year and was surprised to find that they no longer fit. Apparently I still don’t have quite the muscle tone in certain lower body areas and it makes the jeans look ridiculous on me! I like loose clothing, but not saggy-baggy! I usually wear stretchy pants instead of jeans for comfort, but every now and then even I get a hankering for some good sturdy jeans. I dug out a pair of jeans that I got when I was a teenager and they fit much better, shockingly. Something about barfing hundreds of times and starving to death while growing another human seems to have cost me more than I thought. I need to go run some hills, ha ha.

This guy makes baby-wearing look good.

Saturday morning french toast with the cousins.

  

The kids all piled on their dad for family movie night. We watched The Wrath of Kahn in memory of Leonard Nimoy (aka Spock) passing away this week. He was a great Spock, but sorry—that movie is boring!! It did have a few exciting moments, but not too many. Jay and Jeff loved it, but Rose and I were antsy.

Ok, now on to the Amber portion of the pictures [she has her own folder in my monthly picture files].

You can’t really tell, but Amber barfed in the hollow of my collar bone and it pooled there like a bowl before spilling over and running down my shirt collar in a warm wet river. I can’t believe I paused long enough to take a picture of it, but it felt like there was a whole lot more barf accumulating in my collar bone puddle than there was.

Waking up squealy and happy. My favorite.

Hanging out.

Barfy faceplant! Amber seems to have started teething: gallons of drool and hours of hand-biting.

More happy mornings. I have had to retire that knitted blanket because Amber’s little fingers grab it and get tangled in it and she pulls it over her head when she flaps her arms. That’s all fine when she’s awake, but I don’t like blankets on faces of sleeping babies.

She’s growing, growing, growing! Almost four months old and I just had to unsnap her diapers to the biggest size. Mmmm her thighs are so tasty!

Quack.

I’m trying to embrace the blurry indoor moving baby pictures. Moving babies are blurry. It’s ok.

Flying!

That bare soft little body. Ahhh!

Wub-love.

I love holding my sleeping baby. She so soft and warm and fuzzy, like a little peach.

Sigh of contentment.

Little Miss Stubborn-Pants

Her name is Rose Meri White, but I try not to use her middle name when I’m annoyed at her because I like her middle name and I don’t want her to dislike it.

Yesterday, while Rose was eating a new flavor of creamy Greek yogurt, she said "this tastes elegant."

Also yesterday, when Rose was dressing up, she stuck a small light saber up the middle finger of a glove and waved it around, saying "look at me!"

I write these cute, funny moments down to balance out the HARD.

Seriously, one second I want to hug Rose till her eyes bulge and the next second I want to run away from her screaming. She is so stubborn! Her stubbornness is relatively constant; it's my fluctuating sleep levels that make some days harder than others. She keeps doing little things that bug me/aren't allowed and ignoring me when I ask her not to, like climbing over the back of the couch, touching food that I'm cooking, peeing in her undies because she stubbornly waited too long to make it to the potty, and putting public things in her mouth like the lid to the milk. None of these infractions is necessarily important or particularly dangerous, but when they all occur in rapid succession they max out my patience. I feel like such a hypocrite when I'm smiling at Amber while banishing Rose to time out! It’s all too easy to believe that Amber will never go to time out—she’s so sweet now! But alas, I remember thinking the same thing about baby Jay and baby Rose. Ha! Ha!

I don't like to turn the little things into battles of will, but I feel like once I've asked Rose to do (or not to do) something, if I don't follow up on my request I'm teaching her it’s ok to disobey/ignore me, or that I’m teaching her that what I say doesn't matter. Did that make sense? Rose has such a strong will of her own that 9 times out of 10 she refuses to do anything asked of her until:

1. she's done with what she's already doing (even if it's forbidden), or…
2. she delays long enough until she can do the thing on her own schedule and claim that it was her idea.

These two situations only happen when Rose decides to do the thing at all. Too often she decides not to do it at all, forcing me to turn what began as a small normal request into a power struggle. Argh! It's so hard to handle, especially on low sleep. Lots of times I find myself at a complete loss as to how on earth to handle her stubbornness. I feel like a bad mom when I allow myself to get frustrated with her behavior. But it happens a-plenty! The times that I don't cave in to frustration I still feel like I'm blundering around blindly looking for a solution.

What I want: Rose to listen right away whenever I ask her to do/not do something. I try not to make a direct request unless I really mean it--I don't want her to be overwhelmed with demands and feel controlled. There are levels of necessity when it comes to a child heeding a parent: danger/safety is the top tier of importance, and the others are secondary to it: following rules, helping out, avoiding unnecessary messes, manners, and being considerate. The list goes on, but those are my main concerns right now. 

If I could depend on Rose to listen every time there was a safety issue, I wouldn't be as concerned/lost as I am, but she is not a reliable listener at all, regardless if the situation. She's just as likely to scamper off alone across a busy parking lot as she is to cling dutifully to my hand while we walk across said parking lot. I use different tones of voice for each type of situation too, so she should know what's going on, more or less.

It's confusing because Rose is a well-behaved girl in general. She's not a terror! She's sweet and kind and not obnoxious to others. She doesn't even go off on her own and get into forbidden things at home (no ominous silences around here). But she has this headstrong streak that flares up all too often, leaving me bewildered and worried that I'm doing something wrong. I suppose I should be grateful that this is my main parenting challenge right now, but it's stressful because I feel like I'm failing and letting Rose think it's ok to ignore authority. How much of her stubbornness is an age thing that she'll grow out of and how much of it is a personality trait that she'll keep forever? It terrifies me to have a willful, disobedient teenager! How much SHOULD I expect from a just-turned-four-year-old? I feel that high expectations are better than low ones, but I don't want to get frustrated or worried that my expectations aren't being met if they are too high for her age! At least Jay is sweet and strong and a good example for Rose. She adores him. At least she has that.

It's fascinating to see how each child comes to earth with his/her own personality. Some personalities are stronger than others. As parents, I guess all we can do is pray and teach our kids good principles as best we can. At the end of the day it all comes back to agency. I have agency, and so do my kids. They can choose to follow what their parents teach them or not. For now when my kids are younger, I have a little more control over their choices than I will in the future. I guess that's comforting? I must confess to already missing the days when Jay and Rose were smaller and I made most of their decisions for them. It was so much easier! I am totally a baby-mama more than a big kids mama. Amber is a breeze to take care of! It's hard to figure out where to draw the line with agency and rules in a family with kids at different ages. I don't have a good formula--I doubt one exists. I just hope I end up doing what's best for my kids in the long run.

I wish I could be writing about overcoming and triumphing over this stubborn struggle, but I'm not. I'm barely surviving over here, riding the waves of willfulness one by one. Every now and then I get seasick on them! Right when I think we’ve made progress, there’s a relapse. I suppose things are better now than they were six months ago, but boy the improvement seems miniscule. I don't think there is one answer or one fix for little miss stubborn-pants. My current plan of attack is to make sure Rose feels loved so that any willful behavior does not come from a need for attention. We are very serious when safety is an issue. That’s our method. As long as she knows that her parents love her no matter what and that we care about her safety, we'll keep rolling with those stubborn punches and do our best to raise Rose right. 

After all, she's only four years old. Patience and perseverance must be my mantra.  

GOLDEN

The past week has been golden in so many ways: sunshine and 55 degrees, moments of pure joy, nights of sleepless agony, beautiful inspiration, mountains of laundry, hundreds of pictures, RUNNING, sore muscles, giant block buildings and messes, trampoline, cookies, meltdowns, foot rubs, baby snuggles, and acute exhaustion. Why on earth did I include difficulties in the golden list? Opposition in all things, my friends. The hard happenings turn the plain good stuff into pure GOLD. I don't know much but I know enough to take the bad with the good, as tough as it can be to squeak through the tricky parts. When the good comes, I find myself completely relishing it. If I was a dog, I'd ROLL in the golden goodness of those moments. And then I'd fall asleep! Ha ha. I have some vignettes from the past few days to entertain you and show you a slice of our life:

[Sisters on Sunday]

Saturday and Sunday night, Amber slept in minuscule increments of time, translating somewhere in the neighborhood of 2+1+2 hours of sleep for me. It was SO HARD. Thank goodness for afternoon church and President's Day. Jeff took care of Jay and Rose both mornings and I went back to bed for almost two dead-to-the-world hours. The result of those two exhausting nights was me breaking my unspoken self-imposed rule: I got online and researched baby sleep how-to's. Talk about stressful! In my harried, sleep-deprived state, I was convinced that it was all my fault and I had to start imposing more of a schedule on my little 3 month old, etc. etc. etc. Monday I timed her naps and put her in her bed every time she got tired and blah blah blah, it was an impossible day. By the end of it I missed my normal easy-going baby non-schedule! Now we're back to the baby-led sleep-when-she-wants plan, and I've sworn off those blasted get your baby to sleep methods. And I'm ok with it! We'll re-visit sleep concerns in a few months when Amber is older. I merely had to accept the fact that I may be a zombie for a few more months. Once I did that, I was content once more. WHEW. Stupid sleep deprived anxiety!! I CAN do this MY WAY, and my way is to let my baby do her thing. WHEW! 

Last night Rose woke up scared and was awake for about half an hour. Today she had meltdown after meltdown and was just exhausted all day. Seeing how her performance was so negatively affected by a mere half hour of lost sleep in the middle of the night made me feel pretty good about how I'm handling my own choppy sleep segments. Not exactly 100% graceful, but I have far fewer meltdowns than Rose!

In spite of my nightmarishly low sleep, I have been steadily improving my running already! Ahh, it feels amazing to be out there in the sunshine cruising along the street shoulders, drinking in the fresh air and rolling scenery. My average mile time has already dropped by more than 30 seconds in the week since I started running. Muscle memory is an astounding thing. My lungs are adapting much faster than I expected, and the gaspy tightness is taking longer and longer to set in with each run. I'm sore and tired, but it hurts so good. I got my first new pair of running shoes in four years this week, and they are a dream. It's like running on pillows! It hurt to run on gravel in my old worn out shoes--they were that thin. It almost feels like cheating when I wear my new shoes. 

The weather has been a dreamy mid-50's, low 60's for the past week or more and it is buoying all of our moods way up. The trampoline was arguably the best purchase we've ever made. In the six days it's been up, I'm already wondering why we didn't get one sooner. Jay and Rose fall asleep so fast at bedtime, having used up the last of their energy on the tramp. Yesterday afternoon, Rose and I brought the baby swing out onto the back porch, clipped Amber into it, and went out to the trampoline together. The sun was flooding the yard with warm golden light and we basked and bounced in it. I'm telling you, that vitamin D went straight to my soul! I love having such a simple FUN way to play with my kids. It's always harder for my adult self to get down on the floor and play with toys. I can build with blocks and read stories, but the actual playing that the kids always ask for is not easy. On the trampoline, however, Rose and I were both giggling and twirling and having the greatest time together. It was golden.

On Monday, Jay and Rose jumped on the trampoline practically all day. The kids next door jumped on the trampoline with them most of the afternoon, except when they were all chasing each other through the back door down to the basement and out the front door and then over to the neighbor's house, round and round repeatedly. They paused for 5 or 10 minutes to play a Wii game and then next thing I knew they were all traipsing back through the house to the tramp and then next door and then asking for a snack and then starting the circuit all over again. Let's just say that chaos reigned and too many leaves got crunched into the carpet. It was awesome, stressful, fun, and exhausting all at once.

I have been drowning in laundry all week. Monday I did four loads of laundry and folded one. Tuesday I did two more loads of laundry and folded none. Today I did one more load of laundry and finally folded all 6 loads that were piling up in my bedroom. It was such a triumphant feeling to finally get more than the tip of my nose out of the sea of crumpled laundry! There are probably already at least three more loads that need to be washed, but for a few minutes this afternoon, I was queen and the laundry was done. 

A few days ago I made a batch of chocolate chip cookie dough, scooped it all into balls, and refrigerated them. So any time we wanted fresh cookies, we simply pulled out a few of the dough balls and popped them into the toaster oven. Jeff and I have been indulging in pazookies after the kids are in bed: a hot squishy cookie with a scoop of ice cream on top=heavenly. We eat that tastyness while watching an episode of White Collar (I introduced it to Jeff, and he's a fan). Then Jeff nearly always gives me a foot rub, amazing man that he is. Pazookie, a funny show, AND a foot rub? Yessss. Oh and there's a sweet little baby to hug during all of that goodness. It's all about the little things. A collection of little pleasures equals a big joy! 

I guess by that rule a collection of inconveniences equals a big annoyance too...yep, that's true. When I'm tired I drop things. Not babies, but things, like spoons and flour and toys and clothes, etc. It's a challenge to stave off the annoyance that compounds with each dropped item. Hello! I was trying to focus on the positive. Focusing on the positive while being real and honest is an interesting line to walk, I must say. 

[Jay and Rose were both sitting with Amber feeling her soft head with their cheeks—this is not posed]

For my patchy, abbreviated, bleary-eyed scripture study I have decided to read one chapter or conference talk over and over until it finally sinks past my thick tiredness into my mind and heart and actually means something to me. I've been reading the same chapter for over a week, ha ha. I picked one of my favorite scripture mastery verses and then read the chapter it's in over and over. The chapter of the moment (or week...or month maybe) is Alma 37. A true classic, with so many simple, beautiful truths in it. After I had read it multiple times, I started checking out the good-looking footnotes. One footnote lead me to a scripture that I was familiar with, but really worked for me this time around: D&C 64:33: "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." It only took one read-through for that one to zoom past my puffy-slow tired-head, straight to my heart. It is such a normal, commonly-quoted scripture, but it just fits my everything right now. The best part to me was "be not weary in well-doing." Boom. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, staying on top of the housework feels like climbing up the down escalator. Yes, everyone needs me to do something RIGHT NOW. I'm allowed to be tired, but I don't want to be tired of doing good! I can be tired while well-doing all I want, as long as I'm not tired OF well-doing. YES. This pithy direct verse helped me make that distinction and remember that the small things are the great things. 

Here's a small thing that is GREAT: Jay read his first Dr. Seuss book yesterday! It was Green Eggs and Ham. He needed help on a few words, but not many! He can read! How did that happen? I must admit to a smidgen of parental pride. It's so fun to see him learn and do new hard things. He was student of the month for his classroom back in December, and they gave him his award a few weeks ago. Jay.

Jeff builds such amazing creations out of "the smooth blocks." Jay and Rose have “sleepovers” on the floor of their room. It’s only a sleepover if they sleep next to each other on the floor. When they sleep in their beds (in the same room) it’s not a sleepover.

I found the game Jenga at the thrift store for $2. Also 4 VHS tapes for a dollar and a snazzy purse. The purse looked so nice and high-quality that I had to search out the brand online when I got home, just to see if my eyes were right. They were. The purse cost $50 brand new, and I paid $7 for it! Woot. I love my used new purse! Oh, and I found one of those thick fleece cold weather suits with ears on the hood for Amber (it’s huge on her but warm). My little heart marshmallow baby-love. I like Goodwill more and more every time I go. Give me Goodwill, Costco, and Amazon and I'm SET.

Today after the Goodwill excitement, Rose, Amber, and I went to visit Jeff at the high school during his planning period. Daddy-daughter visit! The faces of every high school girl we passed on the way to Jeff's classroom softened when they saw Amber. It was cute. The boys didn't even notice us, but the girls went all melty and shiny-eyed at the sight of our sweet little fuzz-top and her big sister. 

It's 10:45pm and Amber has been asleep since 8pm. Motherly dilemma: do I wake her up and top her off in hopes that she'll sleep longer or do I just go to bed and risk her waking me up twice (or more) in the night? Last night I woke her up before I went to bed, and she still woke me up halfway through the night. Maybe tonight I should see how long she sleeps...?

Two apples and a trampoline

Last night Jeff and I made the snap decision to get a trampoline. We were planning on getting a trampoline this summer, but moved the time table up a few months because it's been so nice outside this week and our tax return was also quite nice. What's the point in a plump tax return without a little fun? We're saving the rest of it (aka replacing what Amber used up), but this was a worthy investment. It felt so...grown up and yet irresponsible all at once to walk nonchalantly into Walmart and purchase a trampoline. Our shopping cart was sagging! We also needed two apples for our dinner tonight, so we pushed the heavy cart across the store from sporting goods all the way to the produce section and grabbed two apples. It was rather humorous at the checkout. Two apples and a trampoline, please!

[bright sunshine]

We told Jay and Rose that we were getting a surprise today. Jay had school but Jeff did not, so the rest of us got the trampoline while Jay was at school and had most of it set up by the time he got home in the afternoon. When Rose saw the picture on the box at the store, she said "it's a trampoline." Like it was no big deal. By the time we had hoisted the heavy box into our cart and pushed it halfway across the store, however, the knowledge that we were actually getting a trampoline finally started sinking in and Rose kept saying "We're getting a trampoline! We're getting a trampoline!" over and over, excitedly. It was cute.

When Jay came into the backyard after school and saw the trampoline, he said "wow, a trampoline!" in a happy voice. I asked him what he thought and he said "GOOD." That's so Jay. Mr. calm and collected, just like his father. But Jay frolicked with the best of us when it was time to try out the new tramp.

[taking a jump break before erecting the net enclosure. I wish we didn't have to use the net, but it's just so stinking safe for the young'ens that we put it up. Maybe we'll take it down in a few years, who knows.]

 

Putting a trampoline together is no small task. In fact, it was exhausting! When I was growing up, we wore out at least 2 trampolines and moved houses 3 times with the trampoline, so I'm no stranger to the assembly process. It's just been a while--like 15 years. And it was way harder than I remember. Brand-new springs are much more difficult to stretch into place than used ones. Jeff had to do practically all the hard parts, with a little help here and there from his feeble wifey. By the time we started tying on the spring cover, I was really feeling 3 months of sleep deprivation and my first 3 runs in a year. I was pooped! Loopy! I couldn't make any sense of the directions anymore. That's when we broke for lunch, thankfully.

 

Eventually we got the structure in place and the kids bounded all over it. Jeff and I joined in because we're still kids, just 6 foot tall ones. I left baby Amber inside, right next to the door with the door ajar so I could hear her. I got to jump for nearly 10 whole minutes before she missed me! It brought back so many memories. I basically grew up on a trampoline. It's hands down the best backyard toy. I will admit, jumping on a trampoline feels different now that I've borne three children, but I held it all together enough to enjoy myself, ha ha ha.

Here's the new view through the screen in my bedroom window. If you were wondering, Jeff is usually that awesome. (or more!) Life is better when it's bouncy!

 

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Back in business!

I reserve the right to use as many exclamation points in the following paragraphs as I want!

!!!!!!!!!

Today was the day I have been waiting for: my first post-baby RUN! It came 347 days after my last run and 97 days after I had Amber. After past pregnancies, I have had a date circled on the calendar to count down to my first postpartum run, but this time I was so much more physically run down and weakened by the pregnancy that I had to do something that is against my nature: wait and see. Ugh! No plan? Yeah. It was weird, but it worked. It was fascinating to watch and feel my body slowly regain its normal abilities again. When I stopped getting sore muscles from doing everyday housework like cooking, cleaning, and laundry, I started walking. When walking stopped making me super sore, I did a few rounds of going up and down the small staircase in our house. Then we all got sick two weeks ago and when I emerged from that I realized that I finally felt READY to run. It was a wonderful feeling. I went to bed last night feeling excited!

Amber woke up three times last night so I was wondering if I would be able to stay awake long enough to run anywhere this afternoon, but the planets aligned and I TOOK A NAP after lunch. It helped immensely (Amber only woke me up once during my 90 minute nap). When Jeff came home from work this afternoon, I fed Amber and then dusted off some running clothes.

It was in the mid 50s outside, so I got to wear shorts! Well, I wore my magic neon pink running skirt, and long sleeves. It was liberating. Walking in pants is so limiting, but running in shorts is completely liberating! Ten minute miles never felt so fluffy and free, ha ha ha. I will admit that by the halfway point I was puffing and huffing a-plenty. But I managed two whole miles. When I stopped running at 20 minutes, my lungs were tight and my legs were wobbly, but my heart was light and I was soaringly happy!

I can't say it enough. My run felt so FREE and refreshing! I am incredibly out of shape but it was still exhillerating to be out and moving and breathing and finding my running zen again. I ran two miles in 20 minutes. Not bad. It was about average for all of my previous post-prego convalescent runs. It was not the hardest first run I've ever had either, probably because I have been walking and doing ab exercises and jogging up and down the stairs for the past few weeks. I waited an entire 5 weeks longer to run this time than I did after my other pregnancies, and I'm glad I did. My body needed that time. There always comes a point where you just have to jump right in though, and I reached it today. So...boing!

When I was flying on my runner's high, I felt like I was saying hello to the rest of my life! I'm never going to go through last year's ordeal again, so barring any other injuries or serious health issues, I'll never have to get back into shape again! That makes all of the upcoming sweat, gasping, and soreness even more exciting and worthwhile. Once I get through it, I'll be 100% Shaina again, and I'll never lose that part of myself again if I can help it!

I felt more like myself this afternoon during and after my run than I have in almost a year. It was glorious.

I love running.

I love being able to run.

Look out, this runner is back in business!

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Mama-pillow and the non-nap

I have two stories to tell tonight: one about a float-in-the-clouds moment and one about an impossible moment. Let me start with the low so I can end on a high.

Even though sweet baby Amber is 100% worth every lost hour of sleep, the interrupted, inconsistent baby-sleep schedule still gets rather wearing, especially with a 3 week sinus headache in the mix. Every now and then it all piles upon me so I feel like I MUST have a nap or else. Now, if you go by the name of Mom, you probably know that sleep is for lesser mortals. But yesterday afternoon it seemed like the ideal time for a Shaina-snooze: Amber was fed and sleeping, Rose fell asleep, and Jeff was in the basement. Jay seemed like the only wild card. He was running shirtless up and down the hallway, jumping over things. But he's a relatively considerate little boy, so at 3pm I told him I was going to take a nap and not to wake me up till 4:00. Ever since he got his watch, he's been very observant of the time. I went in and burrowed under my fluffy puffy comforter and snuggled into my perfect pillow with a sigh. Right when I had thawed the sheets out and was beginning to get toasty and comfy-limp, Amber started whimpering in the next room. I laid there for a few more minutes hoping against hope, but she didn't stop, so I got up and picked her up. I took her to the basement, deposited her on her father's lap, and went back to bed.

It took me longer to relax to the point of sleep this time, because Jay had resumed his running and jumping. I had been in a light slumber for about 10 minutes when Rose came to my door. The doorknob to my bedroom is stiff, and the kids often think it's locked when it's not. This was one of those times. Rose tried the doorknob and when it didn't open, she started to cry. No, she started to sob and wail like a banshee. I was cruelly ripped from my peaceful dozing state. Rose is the type to cry and cry inconsolably when she's tired. But I was tired too! All I wanted was one hour of undisturbed rest! So I called out to her that the door was not locked. She was crying too loudly to hear me. I tried talking louder. Sob wahhh sob waaahh!  I confess to yelling and half-sobbing my frustration into my pillow. Finally I shouted "ROSE, CAN YOU HEAR ME?" a few times, and eventually her crying slowed and she followed my instructions to use both hands and open the door. She came in and I asked her what she needed, and she said "I want to talk to you." I said "what do you want to talk about?" Rose: "I don't know." Then she turned around and left.

 

By that point I only had about 10 minutes left in my allotted nap-hour, but I felt even more tired than I did when I first laid down, so I collapsed back onto my pillow and eventually let go of my rage enough to fall back to sleep, oversleeping my nap time by 20 minutes, and only waking up when Jay came in to inform me that my nap time was over. I had to get up and rush to make dinner in time. Hello, mama bear. The total amount of sleep I got in that impossible hour and 20 minutes was 10 minutes + 15 minutes. It was awful! I shouldn't have even tried! I haven't had a successful nap since before Christmas, and not for lack of trying, so I should have known better. Blast my optimism.

That was a horrible hour.

 

Now onto a sweeter story. Wednesday afternoon, after I finished feeding Amber, Rose came over and sat on the arm rest of the recliner like she often does. Before I knew it, she was passed out asleep, snoring in my ear. Then Amber joined her (minus the snoring) and I became a human pillow. I was quite tired myself, but sadly I couldn't fall asleep because Rose really does snore quite loudly and Amber was all limp and kept sliding to the side. Plus, I have fallen asleep sitting up without a pillow in that recliner before, and I did not want to get a crick in my neck again. So I sat, holding my sweet slumbering girls and stopped thinking of what I could or should be doing right then. Instead I let myself hold those two limp, trusting little bodies and let my mommy-heart soar up to the clouds. It was a peaceful, picture-perfect motherly moment. I took a few awkward pictures of the situation on my phone and then simply sat there memorizing the moment. All too soon (actually an hour later) it was time to go pick Jay up from school, so I woke up the girls and the spell was broken.

That was a beautiful hour.

 

 

 

 

As a mother, I am constantly amazed at the intensity of the hard moments and the intensity of the good moments. I'm learning that most of the hard moments happen when I'm trying to do something for myself and the good moments happen when I'm doing something for/with my kids. I'm not saying that parents should never have personal time or that we can only be happy when we're with our kids. I'm just saying that there is a strong correlation between serving others [my family] and happiness vs. serving myself [nap] and frustration. That is an obvious, basic lesson that my family teaches me over and over, every day.

Since I'm done bearing babies, I feel like I have a little extra perspective on how I want to BE as a mom, because I know I'm never going to get another chance or another baby. This is IT for me, and I know it all too well. This is my only chance! I am really working on enjoying the journey and having no regrets at the end of each day. Of course that doesn't always happen, but I try my best anyways. I think I'm getting better at finding the joy in every day and staying calm in spite of my sleep schedule and other day-to-day challenges, but I'm not perfect! The other night I was saying my prayers and telling Heavenly Father sorry for how frustrated I got and how tired and grouchy I felt at the end of the day. When I was done praying, I paused for a minute before getting into bed, and in that minute, the Spirit spoke one gentle sentence to my heart: "you're doing a good job." That vote of confidence and love from my perfect heavenly parent meant so much. It lifted me and helped quiet my fears of not being nice enough, not doing my wife-mom-job right, and letting my tiredness control me too much. I still have plenty of challenges to tackle each day, but I have that tender heavenly message treasured in my heart where it can warm me and boost me when I feel sad or confused or just worn out.

Well this was supposed to be a lighthearted, witty saga of the humorously polar opposites of motherhood, but it got me a-pondering and you know how that goes.