3 months old

Amber turned 3 months old this week. That’s a quarter of a year old! Nice work, Amber.

Amber loves her family, the Wub binky, milk, and SMILING. She stares adoringly at her big brother and big sister. She’s never had a bottle (I’m blessed with milk-a-plenty). She usually wakes up once each night for milk. Her longest streak of no-night-wake-ups so far is 4 nights I think. She wears cloth diapers most of the time. She is such a happy little camper.

And how about some sibling facial comparisons?? My favorite!

Tummy-faces

Serious faces

Smiley faces

I LOVE MY BABIES!!!!!!!!!

Who am I?

[as I type this, I’m listening to a mental recording of a certain Les Miserables song]

I’m feeling reflective. Introspective. I should be in bed, but I just had to figure all of this out.

Or at least try.

Sometimes I look back at old journal entries and blog posts and wonder where that old version of myself went. Who am I now? When did I change? What made me change? Would my old self be friends with my current self? I was looking back at Rose's baby pictures yesterday and it kind of made me long for those simpler days. I feel like it's been way more than 4 years since Rose was a baby--I feel much older than that 4 years. Weird, but true. So much has happened and changed.

I know:
-That this time right now of post-pregnancy physical recovery and low-sleep babyhood is just a short phase of my life.
-That I should appreciate the sweet parts happening right now (I think I am) and be patient with the hard parts (trying).
-That I'll get back and find mySELF again soon enough.

And yet:
-It's so easy to feel pressured to do more than I need to right now (exercise, having meaningful scripture study each day, etc). Pressured by myself, mostly, like I shouldn't be lazy and I should get moving, etc.
-I don't know when to start expecting more from myself exactly. It's just tricky to find a good balance because life with a small baby is so inconsistent.
-After the trial of that hard pregnancy I feel like a different person in lots of ways, so whenever I do get back to normal, my new normal is going to be different from my old self anyways.
-I can't help but wonder who my new self IS, you know? What will new-Shaina do well? What will she like and dislike?

It feels like I climbed over a fence with that Amber-pregnancy, and now that I’m on the other side of it I can peek through the cracks in the fence and see glimpses of the old-Shaina. When I turn around and look ahead, though, all I see is a sort of foggy uncertainty. I can’t go back, but who am I now? A transitioning, in-between, kind-of-loopy mama.

Sigh. Figuring out life is tricky because life likes to change. Life changes and I change as I continually "grow up." My experiences change me too. Remembering my pre-Amber self is almost intimidating and kind of overwhelming! I did so much! It seems like I was so clever and on top of things. I have come a long way in my physical and mental recovery but I still have a ways to go. Some things (consistent brainpower being a major one) won't return until I have a regular sleep schedule again. Other things (like habits) will return in a different form. I have felt like a different person after each pregnancy. Trials and BIG experiences (like pregnancy) CHANGE us. I am changed—for the better, I think—it’s just interesting getting to know the new bits of mySELF. 

I like dependability and consistency, but right now I'm in such flux-mode that I hardly know even myself! It's strange. Of course the essentials to Shaina are there. I know who I am. I’m not questioning my family or faith or anything crazy like that. It's just the details that are all mixed up right now. I spent 9 months with survival being my main goal, so the details of mySELF—habits, methods, desires, etc—kind of faded, and I’m still rediscovering them. It’s slow going these days. I just kind of roll with the punches and take what comes right now. I rarely plan very far ahead because I don't know how I'll be feeling sleep-wise. It makes me feel so disorganized and scatterbrained! Does that make any sense? It's how I feel right now. 

It's the dichotomy of ideals vs reality. My ideal says “GO! Do it all! Now!” My reality says “Feed the baby. Do the laundry. Cook the dinner. Do other things only if time, energy, and baby permit.” I’m doing my best to "choose the better part" and allow myself plenty of time to make my comeback. Because I know it will happen. I will return! Isn’t it silly how hard it can be to give our own selves permission? Permission to take time. Permission to recover. Permission to believe that I really AM doing my very best. 

Every day I get to start fresh and keep on trying. Yay!

Eventually I will have everything figured out again.

And then it will change.

And that will be ok.

Mostly Amber pictures

Sunday night seems like a good bloggy-woggy posty-wosty timey-wimey. It’s probably a bad practice to sit down to write a blog post without knowing what it’s going to be about, but…welcome to the world of blogs. I got about 2+3+.5+.25+.75 hours of sleep last night starting just after midnight (the + symbols indicating interruptions), so a cohesive planned-out kind of post doesn’t seem to be in the cards. But I still feel posty (plus I have a backlog of pictures), so I shall post nonetheless. With that stellar introduction, here’s what I’ve got:

First of all, we finally have last week’s sickness on the run. Antibiotics and movies to the rescue! All five of us went to church today together for the first time in 3 weeks. Amber and I were feeling a little crazy after so much time cooped up with sick people. In fact, one day this week I seriously considered starting a “my husband is sick” support group. It was a low point. Ugh, sickness, STAY AWAY from now on, please? I hope I don’t jinx it, but Amber has pulled through healthy and strong, thanks to mountains of motherly prayers and a large bottle of hand sanitizer.

Jay ended up missing 8 days of school for The Sickness. He zigzagged between healthy and not the whole 8 days. So I kept him home. Minus the sick part, it was wonderful to have my sweet boy home for all that time. In spite of their health, Jay and Rose played and played, with plenty of breaks to rest on the couch and watch movies. I loved having the freedom of no-school-no-schedule while we were all sick. Of course we were all ready to be done by the end of it, but the middle was cozy in its way.

Watching Frozen.

Playing and resting. I try to get Jay to dump his Legos onto a sheet so they’re easier to pick up—just pick up the sheet and dump it into the box instead of lacerating our hands trying to scoop up millions of tiny razor-sharp Lego bits. He remembers the sheet about 50% of the time so far.

Jay and Rose are both wearing size SEVEN in this picture—my tall kids. And Jay likes taking pictures of his Lego creations. In this one, he’s taking a picture of a Lego cat he made.

Every night last week after Jay and Rose were in bed, Jeff retreated to recuperate in the basement while Amber and I snuggled up on the couch to watch a few episodes of Gilmore Girls on Netflix. It was a fun mother-daughter chick flicky time, and afforded multiple low-light pictures of the Ambaby:

Strrrrretch! I love it when she folds her little legs up, reaches her arms up, squinches her cheeks, and puckers her lips in a luxurious stretch.

Those Gilmore girls are crazy! What’s going to happen next?

And here are a few [ahem, a LOT] more Amberfaces:

Thus ended our January.

We’re sick.

It all started more than a week ago—Saturday January 17th is when we first noticed that things were off. Rose’s eyes were all goopy and red. We thought it may be pink eye. By the following Tuesday, though, her eyes had cleared up for the most part and she seemed fine. Then Wednesday morning Jay woke up and barfed. He stayed home from school but was spunky and normal all day. Ok… Thursday morning, Jay woke up with red goopy eyes. “That’s it!” I thought, “off to the doctor we go.” So we went to see the new guy (since Dr. Weaver isn’t up and running yet). So much for never going to the Grandview Medical Center again! The new doctor didn’t introduce himself to us so I can’t remember his name. He stormed into the room and started poking Jay’s eyes and asking questions. He ended by “prescribing” Visine eye drops on a prescription paper. So we got some Visine, but it made Jay’s eyes hurt more so we gave it up.

My cuties between bouts of sickness, when Jay seemed to be getting better and before Rose went down.

Thursday afternoon, Jay got a fever. Friday I started feeling a telltale tickle in the back of my throat and sure enough, on Saturday I had clogged sinuses. I made a veritable vat of chicken noodle soup on Saturday night, and thank goodness I did. Sunday I woke up shaking with a fever, so Jay, Amber, and I stayed home from church and missed Jeff’s talk. (boo!) Sunday night my fever broke and my symptoms distilled into a dry cough and a stuffy head. Monday (yesterday) I decided to keep Jay home from school one more day to make sure he was all the way better. He was very close to his normal self all day, so I was fully intending to take him to school today. But then last night, Rose came down with a fever and I put both her and Jay to bed at 6:30pm. They fell asleep instantly and slept forEVER: Jay slept 13 hours and Rose slept 14 whole hours! That plus a raging sinus headache on my part convinced me to head back to the doctor for the second time in 5 days. So I called and made appointments with the nurse practitioner for all three of us this morning. She was very nice and helpful. $90 worth of copays later, Jay, Rose, and I learned that we all have sinus infections AND the flu. Joy.

Bonus: we got to wear these awesome masks at the doctor’s office. Mine kept funneling my breath upwards and fogging up my glasses. Rose would NOT keep hers on after the first 30 seconds. When Amber saw me with the mask on, her eyes got very big and she stared nervously until I took it off. Then she smiled.

The nice nurse prescribed us all amoxicillin for our sinuses and Tamiflu for the flu. I didn’t even know there was a medicine to treat the flu virus. I thought we were on our own with viruses. Our insurance paid for 100% of the amoxicillin but only about 20% of the Tamiflu medicine, so we only got the amoxicillin. It would have cost us $250 per person to get the flu medicine. Yeah RIGHT. It’s just a virus! We’ll fight it off the old fashioned way: with tissues and chicken noodle soup.

Watching a cartoon, in the calm before the storm. Amber was only interested as long as it took me to snap this picture.

I’ve been wondering something: is the flu like a hurricane—do they name the main flu strain each season? This year it must be Tami, since that’s the name of the medicine. Hurricane Katrina. Tami-flu. Ha, sorry. With this raging sinus headache, I have to look for humor where I can find it.

Sad.

And…icing on the worst cake ever…Jeff came home from school early today with the beginnings of the flu. Amber is the only one of us who is unscathed. (I am SO paranoid about her health now!) How can I breastfeed a baby without coughing on her or kissing her or touching her face or transferring every germ I own? I can only hope that she’s keeping this sickness at bay with all the antibodies in my supermilk. Possibly one of my biggest parental nightmares involves a very sick baby, so I picked up an extra bottle of hand sanitizer while we were getting our prescriptions today, as if that will solve all the problems. The nurse said it would be safest to wear my mask all the time, but… yeah right. Amber is scared of me when I wear that thing, and it’s really uncomfy.

Sunday night, Rose fell asleep sitting up at 6pm. She slept the whole time Jeff was taking out her hairdo and carrying her to bed, only waking up long enough to say “Daddy, I’m too tired. Bunny.”

Jeff didn’t know which clothes fit Amber when he was helping out on Sunday, ha ha ha.

I suppose I should be grateful that this is the first time we’ve had such a long drawn out sick-time in our family. It hasn’t seemed as horrible as I always imagined the flu. I always associated the word flu with throwing up, but officially influenza is not a barfy sickness. I felt rather ignorant when I discovered that nugget of information! I’m always inclined to think that barfing illnesses are way worse than paltry respiratory issues, but then again I did just spend 9 months drowning in nausea. I was joking this morning that no sickness is going to phase me after that awful pregordeal! I have been so low and dehydrated with uncontrollable barfing that a “mere” fever, cough, and sinus infection seem mild to me. Watching my sweet family go through it is where the true flu-agony comes in for me.

And now, to end on a happy note,

Here’s hoping she stays smiley and healthy!

The hAMBERger

The other day, I asked Rose what Amber’s nickname should be and she said “hangaber!” (that’s how she says hamburger) Point for Rose—hAMBERger is a delightful nickname for our sweet little squishy! Ha ha, I’m sure she’ll love it some day…?

Last week this baby fell in love with her thumb. It is adorable now, but I keep having visions of a 5 year old with a shriveled thumb and messed up teeth. Orthodontia aside, I think it’s a gross habit! I don’t want her to always have a slimy smelly thumb. As a child, I sucked my thumb well into my fifth year so I should be more understanding. But I’m not. She’s not even 3 months old yet, so I figure I can at least attempt to redirect her sucking impulse to a non-finger item. The battle of the binky has begun in earnest. 

She took this kind of binky ok at first, but once she found her thumb, she rejected the Nuk bink more and more.

Enter: the Wub. This genius little contraption is a binky sewn onto a small stuffed monkey. Its full name is great: The Wubbanub. The idea is that the monkey will keep the binky in the baby’s mouth, make it harder to lose, and be a fun toy all at once. It works as often as not at this stage, because Amber accidentally yanks it out of her mouth a lot when she’s fingering the monkey.

I ordered this Wub in desperation for a fussy baby Tate back when I was babysitting him last year, and he only really used it for a week or two. It’s been hanging out in our crib ever since, so I washed it and gave it to Amber. If it seems risky to give a used bink to a babe, let me comfort you: One day a few weeks ago, Amber was crying while Jeff was holding her. Helpful Jay went and dug up a crusty old binky used briefly by baby Rose (how did he even find that thing?) and gave it to Amber. Another day Amber was crying in her crib and Rose got there before me. When I arrived on the scene, Rose had stuck the old, unwashed Wub binky into her mouth. I was concerned and grossed out both times, but Amber survived these encounters with nary a sniffle, so I had no qualms about finally washing the Wub and giving it to her officially. She was an instant fan! The shape of the binky is almost exactly like her little thumb. Cha-ching!

In fact, she likes to stick her thumb into the back of the binky, when she can find it.

I’m not sure this is accomplishing the goal of avoiding the thumb sucking habit, but…oh well!

She still sneaks in her thumb more than I’d like, but I guess it’s not the end of the world.

Sometimes she even goes for BOTH thumbs. (don’t you want to nibble those juicy little wrists?)

As for this other not-so-great habit…

…we let it slide with a chuckle.

Thoughts on a walk

This morning after we walked Jay to school, the girls and I decided to extend the walk a bit before going home. The sun was actually shining--how could I resist? So we turned the corner from Harriet Thompson Elementary and walked past the Welch's factory and El Mercado. When we passed the Grandview Medical Center, I had an odd wave of nostalgia that took me completely off guard. Why did I feel a sort of fondness for that plain, skinny brown building? After thinking it over I concluded that it wasn't the building itself or even any fond memories from going inside the building. (it's a doctor's office, for goodness sake-we don’t go there for fun!) Our family doctor, Dr. Weaver, recently switched offices so we won't be going to the little Grandview Medical Center anymore. We'll go to his new office in Prosser instead. I think the knowledge that we won't have any reason to go back to the office where we had all of our appointments for the past 3 years is what brought on the nostalgic feeling. I went through a lot in that building! This line of thought got me a-pondering my most recent medical adventure: being pregnant with Amber. 

As I've been recovering from that pregnancy, I've been thinking about what an amazing experience it was, in spite of the physical agony. We are here on earth to learn things we can't learn anywhere else. There is POWER in personal experience. I already wrote what I learned from my Amber-pregnancy about real life service. In one [of the many] priesthood blessings I received when I was super sick and pregnant, I was told that I was given this trial so that I could learn empathy that I couldn't learn any other way. Experience is the best teacher. There are SO MANY lessons, big and small, that I have already learned from my prego-trial, and I'm realizing more and more that I'll probably be learning new things from it for a long time. We go back to the scriptures over and over to learn new things from the same old stories, so it makes sense to learn new things from my own "same old story" too. 

That was a long preamble for what I started out to say! I wanted to share something that I recently realized/learned from my pregordeal. It involves Dr. Weaver. It is humbling to know that I am alive because of him! Now, there's no guarantee that I would have actually died without all those bags of fluids and medicines for all those weeks, but I think it was very possible. Charlotte Bronte died from morning sickness! That is a huge gift to give a near-stranger: LIFE. Doctors do it all the time. I feel such a deep respect toward my doctor for all he did to help me through such an enormous physical trial. He probably doesn't remember everything he did to help me, but I do! When I was too sick to keep my medicine down, I would call or text him (at all hours!) and he told me what to do. When I was in the hospital for that week, he checked on me every day and told me stories about his latest run or road race so I could live vicariously though his running. He never brushed my constant nausea aside or told me I had to do ___or else. He only helped me. And then he delivered my sweet baby girl and had the good grace to say she was cute, even in her slimy, fresh-from-the-womb state. 

I know it's a doctor's job to take care of his patients, and doctors see hundreds of patients each week. I'm sure all of those faces run together and get mixed up in a doctor's brain. But to each person that receives quality care from that one good doctor, that doctor means something more, you know? Dr. Weaver did so many things for me that I could not do for myself, and I am beyond grateful for his help. That thought made me zoom out and realize something bigger: when we do temple work for the dead, the names all sort of run together and we never really know any of the people we help. But they know us and are thankful for us! I have done temple work for dozens of people. I don't remember their names, but they know mine! I mean something to them because I did something for them that they could not do for themselves. When we help someone, it means something and we are connected  in a small way because of it.

Those were my deep thoughts while I was pushing an 80-pound double jogging stroller past a skinny brown building.

Satur-Monday

Whenever there’s no school on a Monday, it throws me off big time. I keep thinking we have church tomorrow because school-free Mondays feel just like Saturday. That illusion was heightened today because I stayed home from church yesterday (we think Rose has pink eye). Even though Rose’s eye was sick, we didn’t think it would get any worse if it looked at some snow today, so we loaded up the van and headed for White Pass. We made this trip over Christmas break too, so we knew the 2 hour drive would be worthwhile. This time we had to go all the way to the top of the pass to get to the good snow. When I was growing up in west Tennessee, if it didn’t snow in our town we simply didn’t get to play in snow. There were no mountains nearby. It’s great being able to go find snow here—I love the diversity of good ole Washington state.

When we arrived, I fed and changed Amber in the van while Jeff got Jay and Rose snow-suited up. Then they all traipsed off down the road a ways with Grama Leslie, Grampa Dan, and Toby the dog to find a suitable sledding hill. When Amber was ready, I clipped her into the carrier underneath my coat and went in search of the family.

It was a beautiful winder wonderland. [photo credit: Dan White—I mooched his good pictures off of Facebook]

The trees made it difficult to find a good sledding hill near the parking area, and there was a “no sledding aloud” sign on the nearest trail (cross country skiers had priority there. We saw a group ski past and I totally want to try it now—downhill skiing is too fast for me but I think I could get in to cross country skiing). We made due with this funny little side hill. There was another family there sledding too.

The sledding turned out to be rather slow going in the soft deep snow, but it packed down enough for some low-velocity sledding.

Here comes Rose! [photo credit: Dan White]

Going back for more. [photo credit: Dan White]

That white marshmallow is me with Amber hidden under my coat. My marshmallow coat is usually too boxy in the middle (drafty!), but it’s perfect for warming a baby. [photo credit: Dan White]

Jay, taking on the hill.

One second Jeff was up on the hill and the next thing I knew, he was flying through the air—he jumped and landed into the snow drift up to his waist!

Eventually, Jay, Rose, and Dan started snow-jumping with Jeff. Even Toby the dog had fun plunging around in the deep parts of the snow. There wasn’t much I could do with a baby strapped to my chest, but I did take Amber on one sled ride down the hill. One word: OUCH! The snow was bumpy, and I had to lean back because I was holding Amber, so all the bumps crunched me in the tailbone through the thin saucer sled. Amber slept through it, but I decided once was enough and watched everyone else after that.

[photo credit: Dan White]

Jay’s snow-jump

Can you see Jeff hurtling through the air? He’s right above Jay, well camouflaged against the trees.

Rose preferred to snow-roll and snow-slither.

After nearly two hours of snowfun, one of the moms in the other family there took a picture for us (Dan and Leslie left before we did so they missed the family photo). Jeff artistically stuck the sleds into the snow. It’s so symmetrical!

Then we walked along the side of the road back to the van.

Goodbye, snow. And happy Martin Luther King day!