Who am I?

[as I type this, I’m listening to a mental recording of a certain Les Miserables song]

I’m feeling reflective. Introspective. I should be in bed, but I just had to figure all of this out.

Or at least try.

Sometimes I look back at old journal entries and blog posts and wonder where that old version of myself went. Who am I now? When did I change? What made me change? Would my old self be friends with my current self? I was looking back at Rose's baby pictures yesterday and it kind of made me long for those simpler days. I feel like it's been way more than 4 years since Rose was a baby--I feel much older than that 4 years. Weird, but true. So much has happened and changed.

I know:
-That this time right now of post-pregnancy physical recovery and low-sleep babyhood is just a short phase of my life.
-That I should appreciate the sweet parts happening right now (I think I am) and be patient with the hard parts (trying).
-That I'll get back and find mySELF again soon enough.

And yet:
-It's so easy to feel pressured to do more than I need to right now (exercise, having meaningful scripture study each day, etc). Pressured by myself, mostly, like I shouldn't be lazy and I should get moving, etc.
-I don't know when to start expecting more from myself exactly. It's just tricky to find a good balance because life with a small baby is so inconsistent.
-After the trial of that hard pregnancy I feel like a different person in lots of ways, so whenever I do get back to normal, my new normal is going to be different from my old self anyways.
-I can't help but wonder who my new self IS, you know? What will new-Shaina do well? What will she like and dislike?

It feels like I climbed over a fence with that Amber-pregnancy, and now that I’m on the other side of it I can peek through the cracks in the fence and see glimpses of the old-Shaina. When I turn around and look ahead, though, all I see is a sort of foggy uncertainty. I can’t go back, but who am I now? A transitioning, in-between, kind-of-loopy mama.

Sigh. Figuring out life is tricky because life likes to change. Life changes and I change as I continually "grow up." My experiences change me too. Remembering my pre-Amber self is almost intimidating and kind of overwhelming! I did so much! It seems like I was so clever and on top of things. I have come a long way in my physical and mental recovery but I still have a ways to go. Some things (consistent brainpower being a major one) won't return until I have a regular sleep schedule again. Other things (like habits) will return in a different form. I have felt like a different person after each pregnancy. Trials and BIG experiences (like pregnancy) CHANGE us. I am changed—for the better, I think—it’s just interesting getting to know the new bits of mySELF. 

I like dependability and consistency, but right now I'm in such flux-mode that I hardly know even myself! It's strange. Of course the essentials to Shaina are there. I know who I am. I’m not questioning my family or faith or anything crazy like that. It's just the details that are all mixed up right now. I spent 9 months with survival being my main goal, so the details of mySELF—habits, methods, desires, etc—kind of faded, and I’m still rediscovering them. It’s slow going these days. I just kind of roll with the punches and take what comes right now. I rarely plan very far ahead because I don't know how I'll be feeling sleep-wise. It makes me feel so disorganized and scatterbrained! Does that make any sense? It's how I feel right now. 

It's the dichotomy of ideals vs reality. My ideal says “GO! Do it all! Now!” My reality says “Feed the baby. Do the laundry. Cook the dinner. Do other things only if time, energy, and baby permit.” I’m doing my best to "choose the better part" and allow myself plenty of time to make my comeback. Because I know it will happen. I will return! Isn’t it silly how hard it can be to give our own selves permission? Permission to take time. Permission to recover. Permission to believe that I really AM doing my very best. 

Every day I get to start fresh and keep on trying. Yay!

Eventually I will have everything figured out again.

And then it will change.

And that will be ok.