December has worn me out, and
it’s not even Christmas yet! I still have to pack for our trip and make sure
the bathroom doesn’t smell like pee while we’re gone. Amidst the plethora of
December socializing (parties, presents, performances, events, assemblies,
etc.), I received an unexpected surprise on Sunday. I was RELEASED from my cub
scout calling!!! That announcement deserves its own line:
NO MORE CUB SCOUTS FOR SHAINA!
The truth: I struggled with cub
scouts for the entire 18 months I was in charge of the 8 year old wolf scouts.
I have not posted very much about that particular struggle because I felt such
a caustic negativity whenever I sat down to fume about the irritating
restrictive rewards-driven program that I couldn’t figure out how to be kind
about it. Since the church will still be connected to the BSA for a little
while longer, it felt wrong to complain about cub scouts on my blog. So I
restricted my ranting to my journal and carried on with the chaos. This has
truly been a trial of faith for me. Cub scouts is not the most intense
responsibility in the church by any means, but it was HARD for me and my
dislike of leaving the house after 4pm. The boys were so sweet and rambunctious
and fun, but the program requirements chafed my independence.
Of course we will keep taking Jay
to cub scouts each week. He loves seeing his friends. I look forward to seeing
what replaces cub scouts within our church in 2020!
Jay telling about an activity
before receiving an award at the Blue and Gold Banquet back in February.
Jay’s first Pinewood Derby:
February 2, 2018. He designed and made his own car. I told him to smile for
this picture and he said “but my car didn’t win any races.”
Cub scout lady extraordinaire! I
made individual cups of blue Jell-o for the blue and gold banquet. AND I tucked
my scout shirt in. So much conformity all in one night. What an experience.
The blue and gold banquet was
long enough for plenty of goofing off at the table.
Once we finished all of the main wolf requirements, we started on the fun stuff: building interesting things out of junk. These balloon cars turned out to be disgusting due to the fine mist of spit that was sprayed around the room every time someone blew up their balloon and let it go to propel their car forward. But the boys were engaged and interested the entire evening!
Testing out the balloon cars.
Playing a time-filler game at the
end of yet another too-short activity.
Balloon stomping–tie a balloon to
your ankle and try to stomp and pop other people’s balloons before yours gets
popped.
Mummy races at the pack meeting
near Halloween this year: who can wrap a friend in toilet paper the fastest?
Christmas caroling at the retirement
home on Wednesday, December 19, 2018: my last cub scout activity. The activity
day girls actually ended up meeting us there so we had quite the sizable choir
of sweet children’s voices singing through the hallways.
Singing one last carol for the nurses/caretakers
before heading back to the church for hot chocolate and donuts.
Because I like to review and muse
and ponder at beginnings and endings and anniversaries and such, I searched
“cub scouts” in my journal and copied relevant mentions of it here to give the
lengthy firsthand version of my arduous journey through the cave and into the
sunlight. There are 5,000 words, so continue at your own risk:
******************************************************
Clips from my journal over my
regime as cub scout leader, from beginning to end:
July 2, 2017. I got called as the
Wolf cub scout leader today. I’ll be sustained next week. Ugh, what on earth am
I going to do with a calling like this?? I know zero about cub scouts!
August 4, 2017. It’s good to be
home, but sad that our last trip of the summer is done. Now the next thing is
school starting back up again. And cub scouts. Waaaah! I want to move to the
woods and homeschool my kids and never talk to real people in person ever. Or
maybe we could move to the beach…
August 5, 2017. Now it’s August
and school starts 24 days from now. Cub scouts starts on September 9th. I’m
dreading both! I am so resistant to change! I hate dreading things, but I
always dread big changes. I want the kids to settle into their new school and
get back into a routine and all of that, but I also dread the structure and
restrictions that the school year entails. And what on earth am I supposed to
do with six eight year old boys for 90 minutes every single Wednesday evening?
Cub scouts! I let myself completely not think about it till after our beach
vacation, and now here we are on the other side of the beach trip and I’m
facing blah realities of the looming school year and cub scouts and I just feel
stress and dread.
August 27, 2017. At church today,
when we sang the phrase in I Know that My Redeemer Lives that says “he lives to
hear my soul’s complaint” made me think immediately about my cub scouts calling
and my goal NOT to complain about it. I realized that I CAN “complain” about it
to the Lord and he will listen and “calm my troubled heart.” It was a very
encouraging feeling, like he was telling me “yes, this is going to be hard for
you, but I am here. I know you can do this, and I will help you figure it out.
Just keep asking me for help.”
Peace, unifying testimony, a
favorite hymn, comfort about my calling: all in all a splendid start to three
hours of church. During Andrew Borders’ talk, he mentioned I think it was
Paul’s analogy about the members of the body all needing each other to
function, just like the church needs all of its callings to function. I
chuckled to myself that a cub scout leader is probably a toenail in the body
parts of callings, in relation to necessity for functionality. Hah. I am not
struggling with this calling because of its lack of so-called importance–I
don’t care about so-called prestige, it’s more the rigid program and the
tradition-steeped organization that I balk at.
August 30, 2017. Tonight was my
last Wednesday evening at home for a long time. Cub scouts starts next week:
Wednesdays at 5:30pm. It’s supposed to go till 7, but I’m not sold on that yet.
I’m still concerned with figuring out how to do any of this scouting stuff!
Arg. I spent half of Amber’s “nap” time today brainstorming and trying to visualize
what to prep for/expect during my first cub scout meeting. Sigh. I am really
working hard to keep negativity and exasperation at bay.
My goals for cub scouts:
* Don’t take it too seriously:
the manual is more of a guideline!
* Don’t let it take over my life:
no more than 2 hours per week with prepping and planning activities.
* Don’t complain
* Have courage and try not to
dread it!
September 3, 2017. Before church
today I prayed for inspiration, comfort, and help with my Cub Scout calling. My
prayer was answered. During Relief Society, my predecessor in this Wolf cub
scout calling talked about how she struggled with that calling and then Sister
R asked for a quick show of hands for who else had served in cub scouts. 85% of
the sisters in the room raised their hands and chuckled knowingly. I was
sitting next to the current Weeblos leader. It was a small thing, but I felt so
supported and so not alone with this beastly calling (wolf pun intended). I
thought, “well everyone else has taken their turn with this calling. They made
it work even though they may not have loved it, and so can I.” I am thankful
for such big blatant answers to my prayers at church today. I don’t ever expect
such direct specific answers to prayers, but it was much-needed today.
After church my newly called cub
scout assistant asked me what my plans for this Wednesday were and then asked
when I wanted to plan together. I realized that one of the reasons I was so
stressed about this whole deal was because I had not planned anything out yet.
I had some ideas for this week’s first meeting, but nothing else mapped out.
She gave me the first practical, usable advice I’ve received for cub scouts:
just use the boys’ book, don’t try following the lesson plans in the leader
binder. And the book sounds more strict than it has to be. Music to my ears,
but when I got home, all of my old fears and doubts resurfaced and I was
totally stressed again. So before going upstairs for lunch, I sat down at my
computer and started a spreadsheet for cub scouts planning. Then I read through
the manual and after lunch I spent 3 hours mapping out a plan and now I feel
much better about everything. It will work and it will be fine. I can do this!
I feel kind of lame for making such a big deal about this calling, because I
have been Primary President before for goodness sakes! Why is this cub scouts
thing killing me so much? I guess it’s the first NEW thing I have done at
church in a while. The last new thing I did was YW secretary, and I was super
stressed at the beginning there too. But I figured out my system and go the
hang of it till it wasn’t stressful anymore. That will happen again. Keep the
faith!
September 5, 2017. Ok, I am
stressing about our first cub scout wolf den meeting that’s tomorrow. Why can’t
I just decide not to worry? Ugh, I have things scheduled and it feels like
there isn’t enough time for me to be alone and hide from socialization! I’m
working on thinking of my INTJ introverted nature as a set of strengths, not
weaknesses, but sometimes all I feel is weak! And tired of stressing and being
anxious about social engagements and interactions like cub scouts.
September 6, 2017. I survived my
first evening at cub scouts. The agony and uncertainty and growing pains
leading up to this night were horrible, but the evening itself went well. I
even improvised a little bit up front! This calling may end up being good
medicine for my reticence. The wolf den has six boys in it, and four came
tonight. They were enthusiastic and interested in my meager offerings tonight:
we did a getting to know you game, then some review of the Bobcat stuff,
interspersed with other games: guess who drew the nose on the back (from my
childhood) and would you rather. We invented movements for each part of the
scout oath, and did it like a game of add-on, until we could do the whole oath
with our actions. It was good. My partner happens to be a professional
educator, so she is a grand help. I feel so relieved that the first meeting is
OVER. Now I can actually plan with PEOPLE in mind and I have more of a feel for
each boy’s personality as well as the group dynamics. Relief!! Whew.
September 25, 2018. I was just
looking over the cub scout requirement adjustment booklet, and they made it so
much easier! Way less time is required for the badges. I wish there were more
places to go hiking around here! Sigh. I NEED to stop thinking about cub scouts
so I can let my brain relax and fall asleep.
September 26, 2018. When we moved
in to the Sunnyside Ward, I felt pretty confident in church responsibilities. I
had served as a primary teacher to nearly every age group. I had served in the
primary presidency twice. I had served in the young women’s presidency. With
all of that experience, I thought I would be able to get a new church calling
with minimal stress. In the four months since moving in, I have been asked to
do the only three things that I had never done in primary: cub scouts, pianist,
and I subbed as primary chorister last week. Adios, comfort zone! These jolts
of new-ness have caused a certain amount of reflection (and accompanying
stress, of course!) on my part. First, I wondered WHY does church have to be so
hard? I just want to succumb to my natural quiet instinct to hide in the back
and soak things in at my own pace. Selfishly I wondered “can’t I just come to
church and sit there?” But then I realized that the gospel is not supposed to
be passive and comfy in the back row. It is designed to stretch us and
challenge us and help us be better, do better, and learn more. It’s up to each
of us to rise to the challenge! Even though my nature is to shrink away from
the new and scary, it is in choosing to accept and act upon these opportunities
to serve that I will grow inch by inch a little bit closer to the person I want
to be–the person God knows I can be.
That is a grand view, but right
here, right now I have a whole lot of work to do.
September 27, 2017. We had cub
scouts tonight and that always takes a bunch of effort and a heavy dose of
emotional energy.
November 15, 2017. There are
never enough hours on Wednesdays. Cub scouts was exhausting. It was fine, but
so draining dealing with all of that 8 year old energy for 90 minutes! We made
Thankful tater turkeys, and it was good to just sit there and work with our
hands and listen to the boys talk, joke, and be themselves.
January 2, 2018. Sigh, tomorrow
is cub scouts. I feel so … unqualified or something. I just don’t feel very IN
to cub scouts. Mostly the actual meeting is exhausting to me because getting
eight 8 year old boys to do anything is straight up exhausting. But I know
everyone takes a turn serving at church. I just wish I could stop doing
annoying cub scout badge requirements. I don’t feel like it.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018. I’m
frazzled and exhausted. Leading cub scouts on jet lag should be a banned combo.
The activity went just fine– they usually do– but it took a massive toll on my
energy and drained me dry of everything. Every week when I sit down to prepare
for cub scouts, I want OUT, and then I feel guilty for wanting out, but then I
look at the cub scout manual again and feel completely justified in my desires.
Sigh. It’s a constant battle between my id, ego, and super-ego and it causes me
great mental distress every single week. Sigh. Would I be a bad duty-shirker if
I asked to be released after this school year? Am I justified in not wanting to
facilitate a program I dislike?
I have nothing against cub scouts
in general! The program just doesn’t fit my style. I hate having requirements
that the boys have to do by a certain time. So many of the requirements are no
fun to teach or learn. I hate how cub scouts is every single week, whereas
activity days for girls are only every other week. I am fine with planning
activities for boys and spending time with them, even though it’s tiring. I’m
not averse to serving! It’s the program that chafes. Sigh. I mean, going out
one evening per week and wrangling eight 8 year old boys for 90 minutes is
absolutely draining and hard. But it’s the cub scout program that I dislike the
most. I don’t think I can separate the program from the boys though, because
parents want their boys to complete all of the requirements! Arg! The
circumlocution is maddening!
Ok, I need to stop writing about
cub scouts. I’m tired of it.
Friday, February 23, 2018. Blue
and Gold banquet tonight. Sigh. Why am I so conflicted about cub scouts??? I
love the boys and getting to know them better, but the scouting program is too
complicated for me! Ugh. Sigh. It is hard. I dislike the inequality it
perpetuates for girls activities at church. I dislike how so much of the cub
scout program focuses on signing off requirements for awards rather than
teaching intrinsic motivation. I help out with cub scouts because I was asked
to in our church group, but I have been really struggling with feeling willing
to do it. I don’t know what to do about it. I’m currently examining all of my
feelings and trying to figure out if I feel good about asking to be done with
cub scouts at the end of this school year. Sigh. So many conflicting emotions!
Saturday, February 24, 2018. I
just read Alma 5, and was unexpectedly slammed with promptings regarding my
dreaded cub scouts calling. I realized that I have been thrashing around in
pride, not humbling myself enough to figure out how to cope with this difficult
calling. Here are my conclusions:
Alma 5:27 “Could ye say…that ye
have been sufficiently humble?” Be humble– let go of that prideful superior
feeling that dislikes, resits, and chafes at the scouting program. I’m allowed
to have my opinion, but it’s not up to me to decide whether or not the church
sticks with cub scouts.
Alma 5:13 “they humbled
themselves and put their trust in the true and living God.” I’m going to have
to really work on humility in this calling.
April 11, 2018. I took ibuprofen
before cub scouts tonight and it was the best prep scouts prep I’ve done in my
entire 7 month regime as wolf leader. I had a tired heavy headed rainy day type
of headache, so scouts was going to be tough anyways. Bless that ibuprofen! I
survived a busy loud crazy activity on my own. We talked about spring break for
the first half hour, then listened to a 20 second quote from President Nelson’s
talk about ministering. Then we wrote letters to our recently released primary
president. The boys wrote such sweet notes! After that I got out our hot wheels
tracks and let them build with those. We also played twister. Then with 25
minutes left, we went to the gym and the boys ran wild. They played sharks and
minnows for the rest of the time. Whew, I love those cute boys. I feel very
thankful for the reminder that serving in my calling the way Jesus would is
just that simple: caring about the boys, showing that I care by talking with
each of them, and helping them serve others. And then letting them play and
have fun together.
Earlier today I did some
therapeutic hash-it-out writing about cub scouts:
3:05pm. I lost sleep over cub
scouts last night. Again. That hasn’t happened in months! A few months ago I
felt I was at my breaking point with cub scouts. It wasn’t necessarily the
workload (I have served in much more time-intensive callings than cub scouts!);
it was The Program itself that I felt required to shove down the boys’ throats.
Lots of the cub scout requirements are fun and simple, but many other
requirements involve either skills and knowledge that I do not possess, or too
much sitting and teaching a bunch of wiggly wild 8 year olds at the end of a
long day. Most cub scout activities would be much more fun and doable if we
lived near a forest with animals, trails, and other outdoor features to
explore. When I was at my wit’s end a few months ago, I got to the point of
wondering if I could even continue on in cub scouts. My dislike for the program
and the emphasis on finishing requirements over having fun and focusing on
individuals really rubbed me the wrong way. But I felt that the boys’ parents
expected me as the leader to pump the boys through the program so they could
come out on the other side with a belt full of badges and graduate to the next
level.
Secret: you graduate to the next
level of cub scouts on your birthday whether you’ve completed the requirements
or not! Maybe I invented those phantom expectations, maybe they were real. I
was/am in the process of learning how to implement the program so maybe the
vast scope of the manual had me overwhelmed too. All of this stress and
reluctance came to a head one week a few months ago. I was totally done with
scouts. I prayed and pondered. I joked on social media about cub scout leaders
needing access to free counseling. I talked to my unofficial counselor (my Mom,
bless her) on the phone for hours. Slowly over a long few days, my tangle
unraveled enough for me to come to three conclusions:
1. It is not my job to decide
whether or not the church should continue supporting the cub scout program.
2. It is my job to love and serve
the boys
3. Focus on the purpose, no the
program!
Last night at 9pm I realized that
I still hadn’t heard any details about the upcoming pack meeting, so I texted
the another leader who is always in the know. She informed me that the pack
meeting had been postponed. Um, falta de comunicacion! Suddenly all of my
old/recurring issues with cub scouts crashed over me again in a large messy
tidal wave of impossibility. “Wait!” I said to myself. “I thought I had worked
through all of these issues and made peace with the program!” But there they
were. I was irritated, overwhelmed, and right back where I started with my
feelings toward the cub scout program. I had to plan and prep an activity for
tonight on less than 24 hours’ notice!
I said my prayers , prayed with
Jeff, and got ready for bed. One little thought tickled around in the back of
my brain: “focus on Jesus Christ’s example.” But I was too overwrought to
comprehend what to do with that prompting. My mind was seething when I went to
bed, trying to work through the negativity and figure out a simple fun activity
to do. I could not think of anything that would work. I also could not get to
sleep. Ugh, I was annoyed.
At last I fell into a helpless slumber
and woke this morning all heavy-headed, feeling decidedly unrested. As I was
reading my scriptures over breakfast, however, the thought returned: follow
Jesus’ example. All of a sudden, my mind opened and I knew where to go to find
ideas for our activity tonight. I got out Jay’s Faith in God book and glanced
through the activities. A few seconds later, I knew exactly what to do for our
activity: listen to part or all of President Nelson’s conference talk about
ministering, then write letters to the recently released primary presidency,
thanking them for their service and saying what the boys admire about them. My
heart felt warm and my uncertainty vanished. I sat in awe over my muffins and
OJ, wondering at the inspiration. Cub scouts is like the least spiritual
calling possible, and yet I just received specific, undeniable divine guidance
about what to do for one measly cub scout activity! What is going on here?
Prayer is helpful. Prayer
combined with scripture study is powerful!
Time to swallow that ole pride
again. It is so easy to lose sight of the PURPOSE while navigating such a
massive PROGRAM. The PURPOSE of cub scouts is is fellowship, testimony
building, and strengthening families. It is ok to adapt the program as long as
I am accomplishing the purpose. And staying sane.
I called the new primary
counselor over cub scouts this morning to tell her about the postponed cub
scout pack meeting, since she was planning on attending. I thanked her for
being patient and flexible, and she said “that’s the name of the game, isn’t
it?” That comment humbled me further. I can be so rigid and unyielding when I’m
dealing with challenges that invade my comfort zone and clash with my quiet
introvertedness. I do it to protect myself as much as possible from the chaos,
but sometimes I guess I keep it up too long. I still don’t like cub scouts. But
in my dislike of the program and my responsibility to it, I think I have been
molded and refined more than any other calling I have ever had. This
unspiritual, chaotic weekday calling has put me through such a rainbow of
emotions that I have had to turn to the Lord over and over and over and over
and over in utter desperation. He was there every single time, patiently
listening to my complaints and gently nudging me along a more positive path.
It’s amazing how I can SEE that right now today, yet still not want to go deal
with a cub scouts activity in a few hours tonight!
April 18, 2018. I cancelled cub
scouts today. Laa!
April 19, 2018. Cub scouts…not
sure if that will ever get easier…
June 11, 2018. While eating
breakfast, I read a general conference talk and it was nice–heartwarming and
heartfelt, but not heart-stopping. Then I picked up where I left off in the
Book of Mormon to keep up that end of the study, and BOOM. The first part of
the first sentence I read stopped me in my tracks:
“And it came to pass that they
did go forth” (Alma 32:1)
That line, which is repeated over
and over throughout the scriptures, started me thinking about GOING FORTH and
what that looks like for me. Going forth is not easy! I have some sort of
inborn aversion to state changes. I am a home body. Unless it’s an
international trip or other big pre-planned adventure, I mostly prefer staying
home over going out. Even at home, sometimes I choose to keep on reading
uncomfortably hunched over the kitchen table long after I finish eating lunch,
rather than moving to the much more comfortable couch, just because the act of
moving–changing my position–is so undesirable. If I forget something at the
grocery store, I would rather do without it than go back to the store,
especially if it’s after 1pm.
Sometimes I worry that this
tendency to resist moving/changing/going forth means I am an inherently lazy
human being. But I run for fun, as many as five days per week! It can’t be
physical laziness. I think I simply dread all of the potential unexpected
events that may happen whenever I go forth. Does that mean I have some form of
high-functioning anxiety? Possibly. Probably. But it’s thankfully manageable. I
am getting better at self-assessing and knowing when my “levels” are too high
and I need to bow out of _____. (insert non-home activity)
It takes immense mental effort to
get myself to GO FORTH. Pushing through that resistance often is too mentally
taxing to be worthwhile. This is why being a cub scout leader this school year
was so difficult for me: a weekly evening activity where I was guaranteed 90
minutes of chaos and unexpected forms of noise and intensity? I tremble at the
thought, and we are on a summer hiatus from cub scouts right now.
July 15, 2018. Three separate
times during church today I had a specific prompting to stick with my cub
scouts calling. Ugh, I can barely write it in those bald words, but it is true.
Hah! I crack myself up. But that’s kind of how I tend to respond to hard things
that the Lord wants me to do: I get dragged along for as long as it takes me to
gain my own footing. While I still have the same old issues with the cub scout
program (not the boys, never the boys), I feel renewed and supported and
understood in regards to the institution. A divine vote of confidence goes a
long way!
October 3, 2018. This week has
gotten away from me. My to do list has been getting longer and longer, and I
don’t know when I’ll get it all done. There are only 3 weeks left in xc, but
when the season ends I have to resume my cub scout duties. Blah. Can we just
skip scouts??
October 24, 2018. Jay and I
attended his cub scout pack meeting tonight. Even though I am officially a cub
scout leader for our church group, I haven’t been to a meeting in five months
(summer break plus a cross country season hiatus). I love the boys, and I know
the cub scout program is fun for them. BUT: I do not like it! I have never had
such consistent angsty foot-dragging with any other church calling or
assignment. Of course service is never about my own personal comfort, but I
hate struggling with the constant dislike I feel for the cub scout program! I
hate the GUILT that follows every anti-BSA thought. Good people are not required
to love the BSA.
The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-Day Saints is severing ties with the BSA starting in January 2020, and
reducing Sunday meeting times from 3 hours to 2 hours starting in January 2019.
I wish those two dates were swapped.
I love my church and I understand
that change takes time. I’m just wondering how I’m going to get through another
year of cub scouts before it’s phased out of church activities.
November 17, 2018. While I was at
the temple a few days ago, I felt confirmation (yet again) that I can see cub
scouts through, even though I don’t like it. That calling was on my mind when I
went to the temple and I made sure to think and pray about it while I was in
the there. I felt a gentle vote of divine confidence and two reminders: this job
really is not that hard, and I don’t have to overdo it or stress about
finishing every requirement.
December 16, 2018. BIG NEWS: I
WAS RELEASED FROM CUB SCOUTS TODAY!!!!!!! It was such a pleasant surprise, I
feel kind of guilty about being so happy about it. I also feel guilty about all
of the mental thrashing and verbal groaning I did in the 18 months I had the
calling. When he released me, I told Ryan Kannely that I hope it wasn’t be able
of all my whining! Haha. I made sure to thank Brittney Weaver for her patience.
I mean, most of my whining was written in my journal and spoken to my patient
mother, but still. Yay!!!!! I’m free!!!
December 19, 2018. Tonight was my
last night of cub scouts!! As usual, I dreaded it all day–not the fun boys,
just the chaos and socialization of it all. Tonight was also my first night
going to an actual activity since May, haha. I went to one pack meeting in
October, and that’s the only other cub scout activity I’ve been to since May,
thanks to cross country season (after which all of the boys turned 9 and moved
out of my group in November).
Tonight was the annual cub scouts
Christmas caroling activity. For the past two weeks, the boys have been making
Christmas cards to hand out to people at the assisted living center while they
walk around and sing. The cub scouts used copious amounts of glitter on the
cards they made. Every time we switched songs, Jay knelt down in the hallway,
set down his stack of cards, and flipped through the packet of words to the
songs we were singing. When he picked the cards back up again, a trail of
glitter was left behind. I was very amused by the cub scouts, singing and
leaving a trail of sparkly glitter in their wake–true angels! The kids sang so
sweetly it brought tears to my eyes. What a good group of kids we have.
We returned to the church at
6:40pm for donuts and hot chocolate. Then it was done. My final cub scout
activity was OVER! Adios, cubs. I am so looking forward to Wednesday nights at
home while I can have them.
Over the past 18 months, I went
through endless (almost weekly) rounds of praying and pondering about wanting
to be done with cub scouts and then feeling like I need to stick with it. I
don’t really know exactly why I so consistently felt prompted to stick it out
if I was just going to be released before having to actually get started with
the program again with the next group of boys. Maybe my trial of faith was
learning to humble myself enough to stick with it even though I dislike the
program. Maybe it was someone else’s turn. Maybe it was a Christmas gift to me
from above. Maybe it was something else entirely (or several things). Whatever
the reason, my heart grew three sizes tonight as I sang carols with the boys
and then left that particular brand of chaos behind me for the last time.
