A year and a half of cub scouts

December has worn me out, and it’s not even Christmas yet! I still have to pack for our trip and make sure the bathroom doesn’t smell like pee while we’re gone. Amidst the plethora of December socializing (parties, presents, performances, events, assemblies, etc.), I received an unexpected surprise on Sunday. I was RELEASED from my cub scout calling!!! That announcement deserves its own line:

NO MORE CUB SCOUTS FOR SHAINA!

The truth: I struggled with cub scouts for the entire 18 months I was in charge of the 8 year old wolf scouts. I have not posted very much about that particular struggle because I felt such a caustic negativity whenever I sat down to fume about the irritating restrictive rewards-driven program that I couldn’t figure out how to be kind about it. Since the church will still be connected to the BSA for a little while longer, it felt wrong to complain about cub scouts on my blog. So I restricted my ranting to my journal and carried on with the chaos. This has truly been a trial of faith for me. Cub scouts is not the most intense responsibility in the church by any means, but it was HARD for me and my dislike of leaving the house after 4pm. The boys were so sweet and rambunctious and fun, but the program requirements chafed my independence.

Of course we will keep taking Jay to cub scouts each week. He loves seeing his friends. I look forward to seeing what replaces cub scouts within our church in 2020!

Jay telling about an activity before receiving an award at the Blue and Gold Banquet back in February.

Jay’s first Pinewood Derby: February 2, 2018. He designed and made his own car. I told him to smile for this picture and he said “but my car didn’t win any races.”

Cub scout lady extraordinaire! I made individual cups of blue Jell-o for the blue and gold banquet. AND I tucked my scout shirt in. So much conformity all in one night. What an experience.

The blue and gold banquet was long enough for plenty of goofing off at the table.

 Once we finished all of the main wolf requirements, we started on the fun stuff: building interesting things out of junk. These balloon cars turned out to be disgusting due to the fine mist of spit that was sprayed around the room every time someone blew up their balloon and let it go to propel their car forward. But the boys were engaged and interested the entire evening!

Testing out the balloon cars.

Playing a time-filler game at the end of yet another too-short activity.

Balloon stomping–tie a balloon to your ankle and try to stomp and pop other people’s balloons before yours gets popped.

Mummy races at the pack meeting near Halloween this year: who can wrap a friend in toilet paper the fastest?

Christmas caroling at the retirement home on Wednesday, December 19, 2018: my last cub scout activity. The activity day girls actually ended up meeting us there so we had quite the sizable choir of sweet children’s voices singing through the hallways.

Singing one last carol for the nurses/caretakers before heading back to the church for hot chocolate and donuts.

Because I like to review and muse and ponder at beginnings and endings and anniversaries and such, I searched “cub scouts” in my journal and copied relevant mentions of it here to give the lengthy firsthand version of my arduous journey through the cave and into the sunlight. There are 5,000 words, so continue at your own risk:

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Clips from my journal over my regime as cub scout leader, from beginning to end:

July 2, 2017. I got called as the Wolf cub scout leader today. I’ll be sustained next week. Ugh, what on earth am I going to do with a calling like this?? I know zero about cub scouts!

August 4, 2017. It’s good to be home, but sad that our last trip of the summer is done. Now the next thing is school starting back up again. And cub scouts. Waaaah! I want to move to the woods and homeschool my kids and never talk to real people in person ever. Or maybe we could move to the beach…

August 5, 2017. Now it’s August and school starts 24 days from now. Cub scouts starts on September 9th. I’m dreading both! I am so resistant to change! I hate dreading things, but I always dread big changes. I want the kids to settle into their new school and get back into a routine and all of that, but I also dread the structure and restrictions that the school year entails. And what on earth am I supposed to do with six eight year old boys for 90 minutes every single Wednesday evening? Cub scouts! I let myself completely not think about it till after our beach vacation, and now here we are on the other side of the beach trip and I’m facing blah realities of the looming school year and cub scouts and I just feel stress and dread.

August 27, 2017. At church today, when we sang the phrase in I Know that My Redeemer Lives that says “he lives to hear my soul’s complaint” made me think immediately about my cub scouts calling and my goal NOT to complain about it. I realized that I CAN “complain” about it to the Lord and he will listen and “calm my troubled heart.” It was a very encouraging feeling, like he was telling me “yes, this is going to be hard for you, but I am here. I know you can do this, and I will help you figure it out. Just keep asking me for help.”

Peace, unifying testimony, a favorite hymn, comfort about my calling: all in all a splendid start to three hours of church. During Andrew Borders’ talk, he mentioned I think it was Paul’s analogy about the members of the body all needing each other to function, just like the church needs all of its callings to function. I chuckled to myself that a cub scout leader is probably a toenail in the body parts of callings, in relation to necessity for functionality. Hah. I am not struggling with this calling because of its lack of so-called importance–I don’t care about so-called prestige, it’s more the rigid program and the tradition-steeped organization that I balk at.

August 30, 2017. Tonight was my last Wednesday evening at home for a long time. Cub scouts starts next week: Wednesdays at 5:30pm. It’s supposed to go till 7, but I’m not sold on that yet. I’m still concerned with figuring out how to do any of this scouting stuff! Arg. I spent half of Amber’s “nap” time today brainstorming and trying to visualize what to prep for/expect during my first cub scout meeting. Sigh. I am really working hard to keep negativity and exasperation at bay.

My goals for cub scouts:

* Don’t take it too seriously: the manual is more of a guideline!

* Don’t let it take over my life: no more than 2 hours per week with prepping and planning activities.

* Don’t complain

* Have courage and try not to dread it!

September 3, 2017. Before church today I prayed for inspiration, comfort, and help with my Cub Scout calling. My prayer was answered. During Relief Society, my predecessor in this Wolf cub scout calling talked about how she struggled with that calling and then Sister R asked for a quick show of hands for who else had served in cub scouts. 85% of the sisters in the room raised their hands and chuckled knowingly. I was sitting next to the current Weeblos leader. It was a small thing, but I felt so supported and so not alone with this beastly calling (wolf pun intended). I thought, “well everyone else has taken their turn with this calling. They made it work even though they may not have loved it, and so can I.” I am thankful for such big blatant answers to my prayers at church today. I don’t ever expect such direct specific answers to prayers, but it was much-needed today.

After church my newly called cub scout assistant asked me what my plans for this Wednesday were and then asked when I wanted to plan together. I realized that one of the reasons I was so stressed about this whole deal was because I had not planned anything out yet. I had some ideas for this week’s first meeting, but nothing else mapped out. She gave me the first practical, usable advice I’ve received for cub scouts: just use the boys’ book, don’t try following the lesson plans in the leader binder. And the book sounds more strict than it has to be. Music to my ears, but when I got home, all of my old fears and doubts resurfaced and I was totally stressed again. So before going upstairs for lunch, I sat down at my computer and started a spreadsheet for cub scouts planning. Then I read through the manual and after lunch I spent 3 hours mapping out a plan and now I feel much better about everything. It will work and it will be fine. I can do this! I feel kind of lame for making such a big deal about this calling, because I have been Primary President before for goodness sakes! Why is this cub scouts thing killing me so much? I guess it’s the first NEW thing I have done at church in a while. The last new thing I did was YW secretary, and I was super stressed at the beginning there too. But I figured out my system and go the hang of it till it wasn’t stressful anymore. That will happen again. Keep the faith!

September 5, 2017. Ok, I am stressing about our first cub scout wolf den meeting that’s tomorrow. Why can’t I just decide not to worry? Ugh, I have things scheduled and it feels like there isn’t enough time for me to be alone and hide from socialization! I’m working on thinking of my INTJ introverted nature as a set of strengths, not weaknesses, but sometimes all I feel is weak! And tired of stressing and being anxious about social engagements and interactions like cub scouts.

September 6, 2017. I survived my first evening at cub scouts. The agony and uncertainty and growing pains leading up to this night were horrible, but the evening itself went well. I even improvised a little bit up front! This calling may end up being good medicine for my reticence. The wolf den has six boys in it, and four came tonight. They were enthusiastic and interested in my meager offerings tonight: we did a getting to know you game, then some review of the Bobcat stuff, interspersed with other games: guess who drew the nose on the back (from my childhood) and would you rather. We invented movements for each part of the scout oath, and did it like a game of add-on, until we could do the whole oath with our actions. It was good. My partner happens to be a professional educator, so she is a grand help. I feel so relieved that the first meeting is OVER. Now I can actually plan with PEOPLE in mind and I have more of a feel for each boy’s personality as well as the group dynamics. Relief!! Whew.

September 25, 2018. I was just looking over the cub scout requirement adjustment booklet, and they made it so much easier! Way less time is required for the badges. I wish there were more places to go hiking around here! Sigh. I NEED to stop thinking about cub scouts so I can let my brain relax and fall asleep.

September 26, 2018. When we moved in to the Sunnyside Ward, I felt pretty confident in church responsibilities. I had served as a primary teacher to nearly every age group. I had served in the primary presidency twice. I had served in the young women’s presidency. With all of that experience, I thought I would be able to get a new church calling with minimal stress. In the four months since moving in, I have been asked to do the only three things that I had never done in primary: cub scouts, pianist, and I subbed as primary chorister last week. Adios, comfort zone! These jolts of new-ness have caused a certain amount of reflection (and accompanying stress, of course!) on my part. First, I wondered WHY does church have to be so hard? I just want to succumb to my natural quiet instinct to hide in the back and soak things in at my own pace. Selfishly I wondered “can’t I just come to church and sit there?” But then I realized that the gospel is not supposed to be passive and comfy in the back row. It is designed to stretch us and challenge us and help us be better, do better, and learn more. It’s up to each of us to rise to the challenge! Even though my nature is to shrink away from the new and scary, it is in choosing to accept and act upon these opportunities to serve that I will grow inch by inch a little bit closer to the person I want to be–the person God knows I can be.

That is a grand view, but right here, right now I have a whole lot of work to do.

September 27, 2017. We had cub scouts tonight and that always takes a bunch of effort and a heavy dose of emotional energy.

November 15, 2017. There are never enough hours on Wednesdays. Cub scouts was exhausting. It was fine, but so draining dealing with all of that 8 year old energy for 90 minutes! We made Thankful tater turkeys, and it was good to just sit there and work with our hands and listen to the boys talk, joke, and be themselves.

January 2, 2018. Sigh, tomorrow is cub scouts. I feel so … unqualified or something. I just don’t feel very IN to cub scouts. Mostly the actual meeting is exhausting to me because getting eight 8 year old boys to do anything is straight up exhausting. But I know everyone takes a turn serving at church. I just wish I could stop doing annoying cub scout badge requirements. I don’t feel like it.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018. I’m frazzled and exhausted. Leading cub scouts on jet lag should be a banned combo. The activity went just fine– they usually do– but it took a massive toll on my energy and drained me dry of everything. Every week when I sit down to prepare for cub scouts, I want OUT, and then I feel guilty for wanting out, but then I look at the cub scout manual again and feel completely justified in my desires. Sigh. It’s a constant battle between my id, ego, and super-ego and it causes me great mental distress every single week. Sigh. Would I be a bad duty-shirker if I asked to be released after this school year? Am I justified in not wanting to facilitate a program I dislike?

I have nothing against cub scouts in general! The program just doesn’t fit my style. I hate having requirements that the boys have to do by a certain time. So many of the requirements are no fun to teach or learn. I hate how cub scouts is every single week, whereas activity days for girls are only every other week. I am fine with planning activities for boys and spending time with them, even though it’s tiring. I’m not averse to serving! It’s the program that chafes. Sigh. I mean, going out one evening per week and wrangling eight 8 year old boys for 90 minutes is absolutely draining and hard. But it’s the cub scout program that I dislike the most. I don’t think I can separate the program from the boys though, because parents want their boys to complete all of the requirements! Arg! The circumlocution is maddening!

Ok, I need to stop writing about cub scouts. I’m tired of it.

Friday, February 23, 2018. Blue and Gold banquet tonight. Sigh. Why am I so conflicted about cub scouts??? I love the boys and getting to know them better, but the scouting program is too complicated for me! Ugh. Sigh. It is hard. I dislike the inequality it perpetuates for girls activities at church. I dislike how so much of the cub scout program focuses on signing off requirements for awards rather than teaching intrinsic motivation. I help out with cub scouts because I was asked to in our church group, but I have been really struggling with feeling willing to do it. I don’t know what to do about it. I’m currently examining all of my feelings and trying to figure out if I feel good about asking to be done with cub scouts at the end of this school year. Sigh. So many conflicting emotions!

Saturday, February 24, 2018. I just read Alma 5, and was unexpectedly slammed with promptings regarding my dreaded cub scouts calling. I realized that I have been thrashing around in pride, not humbling myself enough to figure out how to cope with this difficult calling. Here are my conclusions:

Alma 5:27 “Could ye say…that ye have been sufficiently humble?” Be humble– let go of that prideful superior feeling that dislikes, resits, and chafes at the scouting program. I’m allowed to have my opinion, but it’s not up to me to decide whether or not the church sticks with cub scouts.

Alma 5:13 “they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God.” I’m going to have to really work on humility in this calling.

April 11, 2018. I took ibuprofen before cub scouts tonight and it was the best prep scouts prep I’ve done in my entire 7 month regime as wolf leader. I had a tired heavy headed rainy day type of headache, so scouts was going to be tough anyways. Bless that ibuprofen! I survived a busy loud crazy activity on my own. We talked about spring break for the first half hour, then listened to a 20 second quote from President Nelson’s talk about ministering. Then we wrote letters to our recently released primary president. The boys wrote such sweet notes! After that I got out our hot wheels tracks and let them build with those. We also played twister. Then with 25 minutes left, we went to the gym and the boys ran wild. They played sharks and minnows for the rest of the time. Whew, I love those cute boys. I feel very thankful for the reminder that serving in my calling the way Jesus would is just that simple: caring about the boys, showing that I care by talking with each of them, and helping them serve others. And then letting them play and have fun together.

Earlier today I did some therapeutic hash-it-out writing about cub scouts:

3:05pm. I lost sleep over cub scouts last night. Again. That hasn’t happened in months! A few months ago I felt I was at my breaking point with cub scouts. It wasn’t necessarily the workload (I have served in much more time-intensive callings than cub scouts!); it was The Program itself that I felt required to shove down the boys’ throats. Lots of the cub scout requirements are fun and simple, but many other requirements involve either skills and knowledge that I do not possess, or too much sitting and teaching a bunch of wiggly wild 8 year olds at the end of a long day. Most cub scout activities would be much more fun and doable if we lived near a forest with animals, trails, and other outdoor features to explore. When I was at my wit’s end a few months ago, I got to the point of wondering if I could even continue on in cub scouts. My dislike for the program and the emphasis on finishing requirements over having fun and focusing on individuals really rubbed me the wrong way. But I felt that the boys’ parents expected me as the leader to pump the boys through the program so they could come out on the other side with a belt full of badges and graduate to the next level.

Secret: you graduate to the next level of cub scouts on your birthday whether you’ve completed the requirements or not! Maybe I invented those phantom expectations, maybe they were real. I was/am in the process of learning how to implement the program so maybe the vast scope of the manual had me overwhelmed too. All of this stress and reluctance came to a head one week a few months ago. I was totally done with scouts. I prayed and pondered. I joked on social media about cub scout leaders needing access to free counseling. I talked to my unofficial counselor (my Mom, bless her) on the phone for hours. Slowly over a long few days, my tangle unraveled enough for me to come to three conclusions:

1. It is not my job to decide whether or not the church should continue supporting the cub scout program.

2. It is my job to love and serve the boys

3. Focus on the purpose, no the program!

Last night at 9pm I realized that I still hadn’t heard any details about the upcoming pack meeting, so I texted the another leader who is always in the know. She informed me that the pack meeting had been postponed. Um, falta de comunicacion! Suddenly all of my old/recurring issues with cub scouts crashed over me again in a large messy tidal wave of impossibility. “Wait!” I said to myself. “I thought I had worked through all of these issues and made peace with the program!” But there they were. I was irritated, overwhelmed, and right back where I started with my feelings toward the cub scout program. I had to plan and prep an activity for tonight on less than 24 hours’ notice!

I said my prayers , prayed with Jeff, and got ready for bed. One little thought tickled around in the back of my brain: “focus on Jesus Christ’s example.” But I was too overwrought to comprehend what to do with that prompting. My mind was seething when I went to bed, trying to work through the negativity and figure out a simple fun activity to do. I could not think of anything that would work. I also could not get to sleep. Ugh, I was annoyed.

At last I fell into a helpless slumber and woke this morning all heavy-headed, feeling decidedly unrested. As I was reading my scriptures over breakfast, however, the thought returned: follow Jesus’ example. All of a sudden, my mind opened and I knew where to go to find ideas for our activity tonight. I got out Jay’s Faith in God book and glanced through the activities. A few seconds later, I knew exactly what to do for our activity: listen to part or all of President Nelson’s conference talk about ministering, then write letters to the recently released primary presidency, thanking them for their service and saying what the boys admire about them. My heart felt warm and my uncertainty vanished. I sat in awe over my muffins and OJ, wondering at the inspiration. Cub scouts is like the least spiritual calling possible, and yet I just received specific, undeniable divine guidance about what to do for one measly cub scout activity! What is going on here?

Prayer is helpful. Prayer combined with scripture study is powerful!

Time to swallow that ole pride again. It is so easy to lose sight of the PURPOSE while navigating such a massive PROGRAM. The PURPOSE of cub scouts is is fellowship, testimony building, and strengthening families. It is ok to adapt the program as long as I am accomplishing the purpose. And staying sane.

I called the new primary counselor over cub scouts this morning to tell her about the postponed cub scout pack meeting, since she was planning on attending. I thanked her for being patient and flexible, and she said “that’s the name of the game, isn’t it?” That comment humbled me further. I can be so rigid and unyielding when I’m dealing with challenges that invade my comfort zone and clash with my quiet introvertedness. I do it to protect myself as much as possible from the chaos, but sometimes I guess I keep it up too long. I still don’t like cub scouts. But in my dislike of the program and my responsibility to it, I think I have been molded and refined more than any other calling I have ever had. This unspiritual, chaotic weekday calling has put me through such a rainbow of emotions that I have had to turn to the Lord over and over and over and over and over in utter desperation. He was there every single time, patiently listening to my complaints and gently nudging me along a more positive path. It’s amazing how I can SEE that right now today, yet still not want to go deal with a cub scouts activity in a few hours tonight!

April 18, 2018. I cancelled cub scouts today. Laa!

April 19, 2018. Cub scouts…not sure if that will ever get easier…

June 11, 2018. While eating breakfast, I read a general conference talk and it was nice–heartwarming and heartfelt, but not heart-stopping. Then I picked up where I left off in the Book of Mormon to keep up that end of the study, and BOOM. The first part of the first sentence I read stopped me in my tracks:

“And it came to pass that they did go forth” (Alma 32:1)

That line, which is repeated over and over throughout the scriptures, started me thinking about GOING FORTH and what that looks like for me. Going forth is not easy! I have some sort of inborn aversion to state changes. I am a home body. Unless it’s an international trip or other big pre-planned adventure, I mostly prefer staying home over going out. Even at home, sometimes I choose to keep on reading uncomfortably hunched over the kitchen table long after I finish eating lunch, rather than moving to the much more comfortable couch, just because the act of moving–changing my position–is so undesirable. If I forget something at the grocery store, I would rather do without it than go back to the store, especially if it’s after 1pm.

Sometimes I worry that this tendency to resist moving/changing/going forth means I am an inherently lazy human being. But I run for fun, as many as five days per week! It can’t be physical laziness. I think I simply dread all of the potential unexpected events that may happen whenever I go forth. Does that mean I have some form of high-functioning anxiety? Possibly. Probably. But it’s thankfully manageable. I am getting better at self-assessing and knowing when my “levels” are too high and I need to bow out of _____. (insert non-home activity)

It takes immense mental effort to get myself to GO FORTH. Pushing through that resistance often is too mentally taxing to be worthwhile. This is why being a cub scout leader this school year was so difficult for me: a weekly evening activity where I was guaranteed 90 minutes of chaos and unexpected forms of noise and intensity? I tremble at the thought, and we are on a summer hiatus from cub scouts right now.

July 15, 2018. Three separate times during church today I had a specific prompting to stick with my cub scouts calling. Ugh, I can barely write it in those bald words, but it is true. Hah! I crack myself up. But that’s kind of how I tend to respond to hard things that the Lord wants me to do: I get dragged along for as long as it takes me to gain my own footing. While I still have the same old issues with the cub scout program (not the boys, never the boys), I feel renewed and supported and understood in regards to the institution. A divine vote of confidence goes a long way!

October 3, 2018. This week has gotten away from me. My to do list has been getting longer and longer, and I don’t know when I’ll get it all done. There are only 3 weeks left in xc, but when the season ends I have to resume my cub scout duties. Blah. Can we just skip scouts??

October 24, 2018. Jay and I attended his cub scout pack meeting tonight. Even though I am officially a cub scout leader for our church group, I haven’t been to a meeting in five months (summer break plus a cross country season hiatus). I love the boys, and I know the cub scout program is fun for them. BUT: I do not like it! I have never had such consistent angsty foot-dragging with any other church calling or assignment. Of course service is never about my own personal comfort, but I hate struggling with the constant dislike I feel for the cub scout program! I hate the GUILT that follows every anti-BSA thought. Good people are not required to love the BSA.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is severing ties with the BSA starting in January 2020, and reducing Sunday meeting times from 3 hours to 2 hours starting in January 2019. I wish those two dates were swapped.

I love my church and I understand that change takes time. I’m just wondering how I’m going to get through another year of cub scouts before it’s phased out of church activities.

November 17, 2018. While I was at the temple a few days ago, I felt confirmation (yet again) that I can see cub scouts through, even though I don’t like it. That calling was on my mind when I went to the temple and I made sure to think and pray about it while I was in the there. I felt a gentle vote of divine confidence and two reminders: this job really is not that hard, and I don’t have to overdo it or stress about finishing every requirement.

December 16, 2018. BIG NEWS: I WAS RELEASED FROM CUB SCOUTS TODAY!!!!!!! It was such a pleasant surprise, I feel kind of guilty about being so happy about it. I also feel guilty about all of the mental thrashing and verbal groaning I did in the 18 months I had the calling. When he released me, I told Ryan Kannely that I hope it wasn’t be able of all my whining! Haha. I made sure to thank Brittney Weaver for her patience. I mean, most of my whining was written in my journal and spoken to my patient mother, but still. Yay!!!!! I’m free!!!

December 19, 2018. Tonight was my last night of cub scouts!! As usual, I dreaded it all day–not the fun boys, just the chaos and socialization of it all. Tonight was also my first night going to an actual activity since May, haha. I went to one pack meeting in October, and that’s the only other cub scout activity I’ve been to since May, thanks to cross country season (after which all of the boys turned 9 and moved out of my group in November).

Tonight was the annual cub scouts Christmas caroling activity. For the past two weeks, the boys have been making Christmas cards to hand out to people at the assisted living center while they walk around and sing. The cub scouts used copious amounts of glitter on the cards they made. Every time we switched songs, Jay knelt down in the hallway, set down his stack of cards, and flipped through the packet of words to the songs we were singing. When he picked the cards back up again, a trail of glitter was left behind. I was very amused by the cub scouts, singing and leaving a trail of sparkly glitter in their wake–true angels! The kids sang so sweetly it brought tears to my eyes. What a good group of kids we have.

We returned to the church at 6:40pm for donuts and hot chocolate. Then it was done. My final cub scout activity was OVER! Adios, cubs. I am so looking forward to Wednesday nights at home while I can have them.

Over the past 18 months, I went through endless (almost weekly) rounds of praying and pondering about wanting to be done with cub scouts and then feeling like I need to stick with it. I don’t really know exactly why I so consistently felt prompted to stick it out if I was just going to be released before having to actually get started with the program again with the next group of boys. Maybe my trial of faith was learning to humble myself enough to stick with it even though I dislike the program. Maybe it was someone else’s turn. Maybe it was a Christmas gift to me from above. Maybe it was something else entirely (or several things). Whatever the reason, my heart grew three sizes tonight as I sang carols with the boys and then left that particular brand of chaos behind me for the last time.