Dancing in the kitchen

Spring is the time for front-porch-sitting, sunshine-soaking, and idyllic photography. It's so easy to be happy during springtime!

Journal excerpt from Thursday, March 21, 2019:

Amber and I danced around the kitchen while eating PBJ today, because crumbs are going to scatter whether we dance or not, so we may as well dance. That was my Instagram caption-turned profound thought for the day. It's fascinating how sometimes new thoughts flow through my fingers before I even realize that I'm thinking them.

Biking, burning, and bovines

Excerpt from my journal on March 19, 2019:
It was another beautiful afternoon today, sunny and 55 degrees. Amber went for a bike ride while I walked next to her. She rode down the dirt hill out back several times before hitting a rut the wrong way, toppling over at the bottom, and deciding she was done. It was so pleasant outside and Amber was so happy, I started feeling sad about a year and a half from now when she's in school. Who will I go on walks with then? I won't have a companion anymore to force me to stop and take time to wander in the sunshine.

Subbing

Jeff stayed home from work to aid his mental health recovery on Monday, March 18th. He asked if I would sub for him at track practice that afternoon. Since I am already a district employee via my job as assistant cross country coach, I am a perfectly legal fingerprinted, security screened adult person to help out with track practice last minute. After careful thought (aka mentally bracing myself for hours of stress and agonizing), I agreed to sub. I was a nervous wreck and had to give myself mental pep talks all day. I could not think about it while I was eating because being nervous makes my appetite flee. I kept telling myself things like "it's ridiculous that you're even nervous--you know half of the track team's distance crew from cross country!" and "You've solo-coached a group of high schoolers twice this size more than once. You can do this."

Not Guilty

Note: I wrote this post ten days ago while I was sorting my thoughts and feelings. At the time, everything felt too close to share. Time has reduced the vulnerability (slightly) and I keep thinking that these are good things to share, so I'm sharing:

Mental illness comes in all shapes, strengths, ages, and sizes. Some people, like a sweet longtime friend of mine, have incredibly severe, often debilitating mental illnesses to cope with. Others, like my husband, have a relatively mild case that is much more intermittent and comparatively easily managed (for the most part). Still others fall in between the two extremes on the spectrum, like another good friend, who battles anxiety with a touch of depression in the mix, while her husband faces a more intense case of depression. Another loved one has depression that slams into him unexpectedly one day, then lifts a few days later just as suddenly. Then there are people like me, who don't have a mental illness of their own, but who love people with mental illnesses.

Bike ride picnic

On Saturday, I dusted off my fun-mom skills and took the kids on an adventure. It was the first track meet of the season, and Jeff left for the high school on his bike at 5:55am (I was barely conscious). Whenever Jeff is gone for long periods of time, my usual homebody-ness flees and suddenly I become adventurous go-go-go, do-do-do Shaina. Last summer when Jeff spent four days at an education conference in California, I took the kids on a three day two night camping trip at the beach, all by myself. It was awesome and I loved it. That same wanderlust bug bit me again during Jeff's 14 hour absence on Saturday. When the track meets are within an hour of our house, we usually like to visit Jeff at the meet and watch a few races, but this weekend's meet was way out in Euphrata, WA and the kids begged not to go. So we stayed home and planned an adventure of our own.

Soul-care

Piano "retirement" is treating me kindly. I have not touched the Children's Songbook since the day I was released from the responsibility to play for kids' singing time at church (two months and one day ago). In fact, I didn't touch the piano at all for a solid two weeks after that bittersweet Sunday in January. Then the desire to play slowly crept back into my fingers. I took it easy, only playing when I wanted to. The healing process cannot be rushed, and I was healing from a year and three months of major musical pressure.

Reading in the dark

Most nights I like to lie in bed and read for a little while before going to sleep. Last night Jeff was busy falling asleep while I stayed up a little longer to finish reading a book on my Kindle. The room was quiet except for Jeff's breathing. The room was dark except for the soft glow of my Kindle. I was on my back snuggled all the way under the covers, my head propped up on a pillow, with just one arm out to hold the Kindle. My long hair kept tickling my neck. It's been nearly ten months since my last haircut, and something needs to be done. I just don't know what, so I keep putting off the inevitably risky haircut. Anyways, last night my hair was bugging me while I laid on my back trying to read. I lifted all of my hair up and fanned it out on the pillow behind me so it was off of my neck. Then I went back to my book. In the faint light reflected off my Kindle screen, the shadows on the bedspread started playing tricks on my eyes. Twice I thought I saw something move. I forced myself not to think about it and finished reading my book. Suddenly, there was no mistaking that scuttly movement, even in the dark out of the corner of my eye.

The Amb-monster strikes back

Amber is the star of more than her fair share of my posts, but the girl is a force of nature and one of my best coping mechanisms for that kind of intensity is writing it out. Today's topic: errands with Amby.

The child is a MONSTER of a shopping companion. That's all I really need to say, but I'll illustrate the statement with a florid saga of our most recent errands together.

Bitter

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Dear Winter,

It has been a long time. I can't help but notice that you seem more bitter than usual, inexplicably holding on to iciness and pain when it's time for softening and joy. You have overstayed your yearly visit, and every time I ask you to leave, you lash out with another bitter storm. Please know that bitterness is not the answer. Yes, it is in your nature to be cold, but you are choosing to be bitter. You can be cold without being bitter--you've done it before!

Amb-Reading

Reading to kids is such an easy low-key way to spend positive quality time together. My mom read so many books to me for my entire childhood and beyond--she still reads books to me even now. (well... she reads books to her grandkids and I listen in...) Reading has always been a huge part of my life. I love books!

France by the dozen

It has been 15 days since Jeff and I got home from our trip to France, and I have just finished writing all of the stories of our adventures. The freezing winter weather, ice, and snow lingering into March has not been good for much, but it has been great for writing. In fact, I think the bad weather at home was a major reason that I wrote so much about our trip. I needed that escape. Curling up under my warm laptop, swathed in blankets while reliving our travels was a delightful escape. I went to France twice during February: once in person, and once in my mind while I wrote about it. Now I am officially officially home from France. No more escaping to write about another adventure during Amber's afternoon cartoon time. Sniff.

From Paris to Sunnyside

Our flight home wasn't until 1pm on Monday, February 18th, so we had time for one last six mile run through Paris. This time we headed up to Montmartre to see what sunrise looked like from the vantage point of Sacre Coeur Basilica.