A few weeks ago, after Jeff and I saw The Hunger Games movie (and loved it), I got the whole Hunger Games trilogy for my Kindle. I read straight through all 3 at lightning speed, even though I’ve read them before. “Happy Hunger Games! May the odds be ever in your favor!” The first time I read those books, I was in the middle of my Rose-pregnancy-ultrasickness. The books were a little gross to me then because they talk about food so much in the Hunger Games. Well, fast forward almost 2 years: those same books were recently a very nice distraction for me while I was dealing with an unforeseen situation.
I shall intersperse the story with un-related cute pictures to make it look nice.
Soooo, on April Fool’s Day, I took a positive pregnancy test. April Fool’s Day, of all days! It was a HUGE surprise to say the least—I’d been counting on (and looking forward to) a little bit of a break from pregnancy. But those two pink lines were bright, so I immediately started mentally prepping myself for months and months of agonizing illness. I bought 3 kinds of crackers. I got a prescription for Zofran (anti-puke-pills). And the symptoms started coming—food was fast losing its savor, and my energy was low. I didn’t exactly feel ready to go through all that again so soon, but I figured we want another baby some time, so why not now?
Two weeks later, on Friday the 13th, I woke up feeling...damp. One trip to the bathroom told me that I wouldn’t be needing those crackers and Zofran after all. April Fool’s Day to Friday the 13th. What a pregnancy. I spent the next 2 weeks adjusting my mindset back to not-pregnant. Even though I hadn’t ever quite gotten used to the idea of being pregnant, it still took a while for my brain to agree with my no-longer pregnant body. Let’s just say that April was an intense, high-speed, loop-de-loop emotional rollercoaster!
Of course I was sad about having a miscarriage, even if the whole pregnancy was unexpected. But I am very grateful that it happened so early (at just under 6 weeks), than after I had dealt with the awful morning sickness for a while. That’s always been my fear—doing all that barfing and having no baby to show for it. Since it was such an early miscarriage, I didn’t ever even have to go to the doctor! Phone calls and text messages got me through.
I don’t know how I feel theologically about miscarried babies—is that little sesame seed really a spirit? I don’t really think it matters/makes a difference to know in this life, since creation is an eternal…activity. Although there were a few days that I felt sad about losing my little sesame seed, I do feel slightly guilty for being mostly relieved that I “got off easy.”
When the time is right, I will be more than happy to have another one of these cuties. But for now, I’ll enjoy the ones I’ve got!
And nice, big dinners.
5 comments:
What a roller coaster. I am sorry to hear about your loss because like you said even though it wasn't long, there is still some emotional attachment that comes the very minute you get a positive! Until next time...eat lots of peanut butter ice cream!
Oh, I'm sorry, Shaina! I do love that you are able to journal about everything and take it so well. I loved what you said about the theology of little tiny babies, though. I think you are right on. Those kids are so cute. I want Rose's coat for me...if only we needed coats in Arizona!
Sorry about your loss:-( Your soo strong and I love the way you handled it! Your kids are adorable!
Sorry for your loss. What ironic timing though, and yes, for your sake I am so glad it was early on. And all of the feelings you had are completely normal. Thanks for your positive example.
Oh my! I had no idea. I'm sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing your story. The Lord knows what He's doing (at least I tell myself that over and over until I believe it in every situation!)
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