You don't have to run all of the time

Winter in the Yakima Valley is cold, overcast, and gloomy by default. This winter has been mostly friendly and mild, with more sunny days than I expected. Even with this year's kinder weather, every time the sun comes out I rearrange my plans in order to partake of that divine vitamin D. Today was a vitamin D-day. After driving Jay and Rose to school, Amber and I went on a walk together. As usual with an inquisitive three-year-old in tow, it was more of an exploratory country ramble with plenty of pauses. We gathered sticks and visited puddles. Amber threw rocks at every piece of water in sight. I took pictures in contented silence.

When we started our ramble, I kept thinking about going on a run instead. "It's such a gorgeous day! It's a waste not to take advantage of the sunshine and run in it!" I thought to myself. But as Amber scampered along the path ahead of me, giddily babbling "C'mon, Mommy! Wook, I foun-a stick!" a thought came to my mind: "You don't have to run all of the time." I kept savoring those words in my head while we walked, marveling at all of the meta-meanings tucked in that one sentence. Here's the progression of my thoughts as we ambled along:

• Walking is exercise.
• Amber gets exercise too when we walk, and she loves every second of it--this is GOOD.
• I don't have to run/rush through the day either. 
• My main job is motherhood, so this walk is probably the most important thing I'll do all day.
• Why do I chase my to-do list each day with so much vigor? I burn myself out when I don't stop life-running long enough to make time for a relaxing life-walk. 
• What is my goal, really, when I rush through my to-do list? Some mythical pronunciation that my work is "done"? Hah!
• My work will never be officially done, so why rush through it? Slow down. Walk. 
• When I rush through my to-do list, I get too tired and cranky to enjoy being "done" with the list in the first place!
• I'm going to embrace the unfinished to-do list and LIVE a little more. Balance work with personal time and family time. I stress about Finishing Things too much. 

You don't have to run all of the time. I have even been incorporating that idea into my actual physical running for weeks whenever I run with the stroller. On a sunny day last week, I took Amber on a stroller run up The Hill in Sunnyside. It was steep and I took walking breaks off and on all the way up. At the top I felt proud of myself, even though I walked half the way up. I am learning! Effort over time, honesty over needless heedless exhaustion. As a lifelong distance runner, it's in my blood to push through to the Finish, whether on a five mile run or with a five mile to-do list. Over and over throughout my parenting career I have learned to let things go, and I don't even always have an official to-do list. But lately I have gotten back into the rut of placing too much value on having quantifiable accomplishments every single day. People in the paid workforce accomplish Real Things every day. Since I view motherhood as my job, too often I expect myself to: 

1. have quantifiable Real Things to accomplish every day, and
2. to get those Real Things done so I can feel that I am doing well at my job. 

Reality check: while we moms always have a hundred things that need to be done, those things aren't always so easily added to a list with a check box next to them. My work as a mother cannot be condensed into a few words on a check list. Even more importantly, my value as a Mother and Human Being does not depend on what I accomplish each day. 

My individual worth is completely peripheral to my job. 

I am a daughter of God who loves me because I am ME, and because I am HIS, not because of what I do or don't do. He will love me regardless of my actions--God's love is separate from our actions. 

My parents value me because I am their daughter and they know my heart after raising me for 31 years, not because I have given them three grandchildren. 

My husband values me because I am ME, his partner, not because I cook, chauffeur, and give really good kisses. 

My kids value me because I love them and take care of them no matter what, not because I do their laundry and give them extra screen time on Saturdays. 

My individual worth is completely peripheral to my job. My job--mother--is part of who I am, but it is not the only thing I am. I am lots of different things. I have interests, talents, and dreams, some of which involve motherhood, and others that do not. 

Wow, when I sat down to type out a quick post about this morning's Amber-amble, I did not know all of these big thoughts were inside me. These words feel true and empowering! Bring it on, life!

You don't have to run all of the time.

PICTURES, part 1: last week's sunny Hill run up to the water tower:

 At the bottom of the hill, with the water tower waaaay off in the distance to the right.

Enjoying the view over Sunnyside 

 At the water tower: the sign said it's a one million gallon water tank. The thought made me thirsty.

PICTURES, part 2: today's sunny Amber-amble around the countryside behind our house:

These two thick trees grow sideways out of the hill behind our house. We stood on one and our stretched shadows looked like spiders in the slanting morning sunlight.  

Puddle number 1, with our house in the background (the white one with the open garage on the far left). 

Puddle number two, with winter-brown grape vines in the background. 

Even thick muddy water can make a good reflection. 

I didn't even wear my sunglasses because I wanted to be NEAR that sun. It was bright. Also of note: I was actually a little over-warm by the end of our hour-long walk.

Running back and forth across the puddle. She got soaked, but her grin told me it was worth it. 

I love her halo of dandelion-fluff hair in the sun. My watch informed me that we walked 1.7 miles in 55 minutes. Amber jumped, sprinted, walked, stomped, climbed, and crawled that distance. When I asked her if she was tired while we were short-cutting across this field towards home, she actually said YES. I'm not sure she's ever admitted to being tired before. My work here is done. 

Lunch in the kitchen. Is there anything better than a sweet smile in the sunshine?