The way I have maintained my sanity and interest in the repetitive loops (my biggest loop is a mere half mile) is by listening to audiobooks. Last week I listened to Fahrenheit 451. I had somehow never read it before, and I could immediately see why it is such a widely discussed and studied book. This week I listened to When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi. My brother recommended it to me but I was hesitant to start it because it's the memoir of a 36 year old neurosurgeon who gets terminal cancer during his last year of residency. It seemed bleak for a midwinter read. But it was available at the library so I checked it out anyways, and was blown away by the bright beautiful insights about life, hope, mortality, knowledge, and love that are woven into the narrative.
On my run this morning (in the fog on the boring bike path), I finished listening to the last 90 minutes of When Breath Becomes Air. It was profoundly poignant and deeply moving. I hardly knew I was running while I listened. It made me really think and gave me a new vantage point from which to view life. I found it very meaningful how the author's definition of what made his life worth living was distilled as he faced his mortality and all of the uncertainty around his illness. He wrote:
“Before my cancer was diagnosed, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. After the diagnosis, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. But now I knew it acutely."
He continued through his journey, explaining all of the ups and downs and decisions he had to make, which always circled back around to "what makes my life worth living?" He had to decide treatments based on what his priorities for his life were. I found this to be a useful template for myself. What makes my life worth living, and am I treating myself and my life in a way that permits me to do the most important things first?
What makes my life worth living? What are my priorities? While pondering, I made a short list:
- Faith: because I have faith in Jesus Christ's gospel and the plan of salvation, my life has meaning and direction.
- Family: being able to spend quality time with Jeff, Jay, Rose, and Amber, plus my siblings and parents.
- Nature: the ability to go outside and "commune with nature" via beautiful views, sunshine, trees, mountains, trails, fresh air, and the feeling of peace that comes from the timeless steadiness of nature. Right now I experience this connection most regularly while running.
- Words: reading them, thinking about them, and writing them.
- Travel: exploring new places and gaining new perspectives is a joy.
- Running: I'll add it to the list because I love what it does for my body by strengthening my muscles, mind, and heart. Running is a way for me to experience nature, think about words, and travel. (since running is not the only way for me to pursue my interests, I put it at the bottom of my list, although it is my favorite way!)
One of Paul Kalanithi's discoveries was that he had been living too much for the future. As a medical resident, he spent lots of time thinking about the future--when he finally finished his lengthy medical training and graduated and got a "real job." He eventually decided that the best way to live was to focus on the present and what he could do right now to live his most meaningful life. He was right! We are here on earth to learn line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little. It is good to have long term plans, but it is important not to lose sight of what's important right now. There is joy to be found in every simple day.
“There is a moment, a cusp, when the sum of gathered experience is worn down by the details of living. We are never so wise as when we live in this moment.” --Paul Kalanithi
Listening to Fahrenheit 451 right before When Breath Becomes Air was a very interesting pairing. Both discuss the value of life, knowledge, and writing about it all. Two Fahrenheit 451 quotes that stuck with me applied so well to Paul Kalanithi's life and beautiful memoir:
“The good writers touch life often. The mediocre ones run a quick hand over her.”
"He was part of us and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them the way he did. He was individual. He was an important man. I’ve never gotten over his death. Often I think what wonderful carvings never came to birth because he died. How many jokes are missing from the world, and how many homing pigeons untouched by his hands? He shaped the world. He did things to the world. The world was bankrupted of ten million fine actions the night he passed on.”
Paul Kalanithi touched life straight through to the end, and the world was bankrupted of ten million fine actions the night he passed on. Inspirational.
I have been working on saving all of my past blog posts onto my computer so I can have backups of my family blog in my journal. I am working on saving 2015 right now, and two things I wrote back then caught my eye and felt applicable to my current thoughts and feelings after reading these two good books and pondering their messages.
From "One year" blog post written March 25, 2015
"I feel so tired. Breastfeeding + running - sleep = exhaustion. It's always worst at the end of the day. Tonight after the kids were finally asleep, I felt utterly sapped of my good essences and left with a whiny shell of a Shaina. About half an hour ago I was sitting on the couch feeling grouchy, tired, and sorry for myself. Then I had a realization: exactly one year ago, I was deathly prego-sick in the hospital with a tube in my arm delivering a constant fluid drip. I felt SO HORRIBLE, weak, and sick a scant year ago, and today I went on a 3 mile run. It's amazing what a difference one year can make. I am nowhere near my pre-Amber self yet, but at the same time I am so far from that emaciated dehydrated shell of a Shaina that checked into the hospital one year ago. There's nothing like a nice, hearty dose of perspective to yank me out of a pity party. Life is so GOOD. I love being able to live it, even if it is exhausting."
From "A sunny day in Seattle" blog post written April 1, 2015:
"The sealer [at Kyle and Alivia's wedding] said something about how love grows over time, and if you think you love each other on your wedding day, that love just grows and grows as the years pass and you go through trials and experience the ups and downs of life together. The man who sealed Jeff and I said something similar to that, and it was nice to be reminded of that truth, and to look back on the past eight years of our marriage and see evidence of that truth. There’s something about committing to journeying together, taking on life together, and learning together that multiplies love exponentially. When I compare how I feel about my husband today to how I felt about him the day I married him, it seems like I hardly even liked him or knew him back then. That’s how much our love has grown! The trials and joys that Jeff and I have had in our eight years of marriage have brought us closer to each other and to the Lord like I never could’ve imagined when I was a bride. I can’t wait to see how much farther we come in the next eight years and beyond!"
In those two paragraphs, at those two moments, I touched life. As I copied them here I realized that I wrote those two posts within a few weeks of Paul Kalanithi's death. He was passing as I was living these two tiny truths. As a mother, wife, fledgling writer, and HUMAN BEING, my main goal is to touch life, and touch it often--stay in touch with life, be present during life, and let life touch me. I want to touch life every day, not only by writing about it, but by LIVING it in the way that is most meaningful to me. I want to live by doing "ten million fine actions" in my own specific way, in the way that only I can do. But how?
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland has an answer to that question:
"Keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever."
I have already chosen my priorities, so the next step is where I am right now, and have been for a decade: the big messy middle part. Keep on loving those priorities by spending time with them (because love = time). Keep on trying to improve them, whether it's a skill or a relationship. Keep growing and allowing myself space to grow.
Photos of everyday LIFE:
Pictures taken in the gloomy half light of winter nearly always look better in black and white. Jay is such a dutiful son, doing his chores without complaining.
"When they're cranky, put them in water." My mom has a poster with a list of "ways to truly love a child," including this suggestion about water. Water has saved my sanity so many times.
The White family Christmas dinner finally happened on January 10th.
Saturday morning pancakes with Grampa Dan.
Family movie night: we have been watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy this month--half a movie (one disc) at a time.
Amber was exceptionally tired and fell asleep before 6pm during this week's family movie night.
Our house, from across the canal, seen through the mist.
The view on one foggy run. Bleh.
Rose had her first girls' activity day at church this month, and she loves finally being able to have a weeknight church activity with her friends like Jay.
I love sitting on the couch with sunshine on my shoulder. The sun peeked out a few times this week and Amber and I took full advantage of it.
Playing in the canal ditch on Wednesday, January 23rd. It was sunny and 55 degrees!
The bottom of the canal has lots of deep sand. Amber likes to pose like Wonder Woman.
I drew a picture of our family in the sand.
I was released from my piano responsibility at church last week. It felt so sudden, I felt surprisingly empty, like I had been really getting the hang of mountain climbing, only to be plucked off the side of the mountain when I was only halfway up and placed at the bottom of a different mountain.
My new "mountain" is all new territory for me: I'm the Relief Society secretary. This was our new presidency's "day one" picture, taken on the day we were all set apart, Sunday, January 20th. I am looking forward to serving with these women and bond in the unique way that happens when serving in a presidency at church.
On Friday took my sweet mother-in-law to the temple. It was so dark and foggy when we arrived that we could barely see the temple, but everything was bright and clear when we came out two hours later. It felt symbolic.
It's easy to get stuck in the thick dark fog of winter. I have been digging my way through it all month. Words have the power to give me perspective and pull me through. I am thankful for good words and their ability to touch my life.
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