36

November fourth: I turned 36 the same day Amber turned 8. Every year I journey a little farther on my quest to find the balance between motherly sacrifice and the necessity of carving out space for myself. This birthday was no exception. I tried my best to find a different day for Amber's birthday party, but there was no other time that worked. Hosting a birthday party for Amber on my birthday was something I did not want to do. It seemed like the recipe for a bad birthday for me. But I dug deeper (again) and hosted a birthday party for my daughter on my birthday anyways--not in a martyr give-till-I-shrivel-up-and-die way, but with the attitude that "I can share, give, and make my birthday good too all at once." In the process, I learned another useful lesson: a day is rarely all good or all bad. I realized that compressing any day into a good day/bad day binary is recipe for dissatisfaction, so I decided to pay attention to making parts of my birthday good, even if the entire day couldn't be all "good" or Shaina-centered. This was my approach to my shared birthday this year. Carve out time for good moments amidst the chaos! There's a life lesson in there somewhere.

A few examples of this intentional good-moment-carving: since we have Shaina Day in the summer, Jeff wasn't planning on giving me wrapped gifts this birthday--so I gave myself gifts. Since Amber's birthday party was on my birthday, I did my own birthday-ish things while she was at school. Since Amber chose indigestible dairy-laden mac and cheese for her birthday dinner (which I cooked), I asked Jeff to take me out to dinner on another night. I think I learn this lesson in a different way every year, but carving out pockets of goodness felt wonderful. Do I selfishly still claim November 4th as MY DAY? Yeah. But it is also Amber's day. (It's also the birthday of at least four other people that I know personally.) I worked around the party and managed to have a satisfying shared birthday. 

My sweet parents sent me two yoga mats for my birthday: a very fancy one as well as a less-heavy-duty extra wide one, and I was excited to use them! Before Amber opened her presents on the birthday morning, I got up and did a short yoga video on my fancy new yoga mat. In my pajamas, in my dark bedroom. Usually I do yoga right before or right after my other daily exercise (running), but I enjoyed doing yoga first thing in the morning. It was a surprisingly glorious soothing way to start the day, and I loved doing something for myself before Amber's birthday festivities began. Rather than being dragged out of bed to do things for someone else, I got out of bed for myself. It was my first birthday gift to myself.

My personal birthday celebrations included all of my faves: yoga, merino wool, piano music, books, running, Asian dramas, and Thai food. Here's my list of my own birthday gifts to myself:

-Early morning yoga on my new yoga mat.

-Buy a beautiful fancy new plum colored warm merino wool shirt: I got it on sale a few weeks ago and I love it so much.

- Get sheet music for a new piano song: I usually only get a new song if I've fully learned the last song I bought, but for my birthday I splurged and got an extra song even though I still have work to do on my previous music.

- Choose a new book to buy: Like piano sheet music, I usually only buy a new book if I've read all of my other books and if the library doesn't have it, so a new birthday book was a treat! 

- Run a birthday 10k: Going on a nice hard run is one of my favorite ways to celebrate life and health! Just like last year, I ran an out and back 10k on good ole Scoon Road in 45:30 (25:12 out, 20:18 back). Not as fast as last year's birthday 10k, but I am a year older and it was only 20 seconds slower. Plus my second 5k was faster this year. Now I'll go back to babying my wonky hip and sore glute so they heal up all the way for real, I promise.

- Watch some Asian drama episodes: I squeezed in almost half an episode before the final prep for the birthday party began. I watched more later that evening.

- Eat Thai food: This was a gift from Jeff, but I did ask for it specifically so it was a team effort. On Tuesday, November 2nd, Jeff took me out on an actual dinner date to get Thai food, and it was so nice! We rarely go out to eat with just the two of us, so it felt extra special. While we were there, I thought ahead and got an order of pad woo sen in a takeout box and saved it to eat on my birthday since I can't digest mac and cheese comfortably.

- Birthday dessert: my only birthday failure (and par for the course--baking treats is not my forte). I made a pumpkin roll, but the dairy-free cashew-based cream cheese I used in the frosting tasted a little odd mixed with sugar so I only ate one piece and it sat in a progressively soggier lump in the fridge all week. I stuck with my trusty golden Oreos on my birthday since the donuts I got for Amber's party were a little...day old and meh looking to me.

This is a pretty good list! At the end of the day, even though I was exhausted from my hard run and the birthday party prep and hosting, I was happy with my birthday. I carved many satisfying moments into the day and celebrated myself sufficiently. External birthday love also happened, and it warmed my heart as well. Other birthday wishes: two friends stopped by with gifts, and I had two birthday phone calls, with several other birthday messages via phone text, email, and mailbox. 

A few views of the pristine cold first morning of November. The weather deteriorated all week after this beautiful day, so I'm glad I got pictures while it lasted.

November 1st post-run glow.

Dairy free cashew cream cheese: tasty on a sandwich but not for sweet desserts--it tasted more cheesy than creamy, if that makes any sense.

Date night selfie! We are homebodies and I generally dislike going out at night, so date nights are rare for us. The closest Thai restaurant is 30 minutes away. It was fun!

Using my camera remote trigger, I took this series of yoga-pose pictures to accompany a "thank-you" text message I sent to my mom when I got yoga mat #1 in the mail.

Rosie loves our rope swing, especially in the happy sunshine. (taken earlier in the week before the dark birthday windstorm)

Jay, doing his first homework of the school year--he tends to finish his work at school but this prolonged project on the Diary of Anne Frank spilled over into homework. (again, taken earlier in the week before the dark birthday windstorm)

The new 36 year old post-birthday-run picture. It warmed up just enough for a sports bra run before the windstorm began, which was nice because running with more skin in the breeze always helps me feel faster.

After each run, my watch gives me a V02 max number (58 here) and an estimated recovery time (47 hours here). Usually my estimated recovery is 24 hours or less, because I know how much or little to run so I can run the next day too. This particular effort required extra recovery. I took Saturday and Sunday off and it was necessary.

I tried to channel my feelings into one facial expression after Amber's birthday party was over. I'm no actress, but I can see the desperation for solitude in my eyes and hair whisps. (wearing my gorgeous new plum colored merino wool sweater of divine warmth and softness)

I requested a picture with my favorite human at the end of my birthday.

Rose made Amber and their friend Decker grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch on Saturday. They ate them on the front porch in the breeze.

Saturday, November 5th was the state cross country meet. Since Sunnyside High School is a 4A school (the largest size school), Andrew Garcia's race was the last one of the day. We took a school bus to Pasco, with a dozen of Andrew's teammates to cheer him on. I felt like a mother of 12 when we got there. Jeff took Andrew off to get his timing chip and warmup, while I walked around with 12 teenagers following in my wake. It was funny. I love those kids--they were so supportive and enthusiastic and we had a blast cheering on Andrew! He battled 20mph steady winds and finished in a personal record of 16:55 He placed 42nd out of 149 runners, which was the best finish by a Sunnyside boy in the state meet in 45 years! We were so proud of him. I loved watching his teammates flock around him and hug him at the finish line.

Selfie with my cute team!

The only picture I got of Andrew during the race--he's in red and black with the S on his shirt.

This started out as an Andrew-and-Coach picture, but true to form, Alex jumped in as well.

Best team ever. It was so windy!

Last bus ride of the season--we definitely look much more tired than we did during our first bus ride of the season back in September! Even though it was only an hour to the state meet, my body still ached on the bus and for 24 hours after.

[First bus ride of the season--see that energy? Hopefully we can recover in time for next year!]

Sunrise through my bedroom window as I began my yoga: calm peaceful beauty.

Lively thoughtful Amber after church on Sunday: Her hair was such a tangled nest even after her shower on Sunday morning that I ran a comb through it until the comb was stopped by tangles, then cut off everything below the comb. Her hair is so thick and lively that my hand (especially my thumb) was in flaming pain from hacking through curls and tangles with our low-end haircutting scissors.

Creative vibrant Rose, looking and acting more and more teenagerish by the day. Hello, mood swings? Stop hijacking my sweet daughter so frequently and drastically pretty please.

Jay the young man. Almost 5'8'' with a heart of gold as usual.

Each of my children gave me a birthday note:

Rose made a quadruple fold out card with a different design on each page. 

Amber's enthusiasm was all over the painted yellow page. She wrote "Happy Brthbay me and Mom."

Jay explained that he called me "mother" in his letter instead of "mom" because he was trying to use the most eloquent words he could think of. He may have a bit of the e cummings flare with his omission of punctuation. This note made my heart warm. Jay visits me every night before he goes to bed and we talk. I love my son.