Mama-pillow and the non-nap

I have two stories to tell tonight: one about a float-in-the-clouds moment and one about an impossible moment. Let me start with the low so I can end on a high.

Even though sweet baby Amber is 100% worth every lost hour of sleep, the interrupted, inconsistent baby-sleep schedule still gets rather wearing, especially with a 3 week sinus headache in the mix. Every now and then it all piles upon me so I feel like I MUST have a nap or else. Now, if you go by the name of Mom, you probably know that sleep is for lesser mortals. But yesterday afternoon it seemed like the ideal time for a Shaina-snooze: Amber was fed and sleeping, Rose fell asleep, and Jeff was in the basement. Jay seemed like the only wild card. He was running shirtless up and down the hallway, jumping over things. But he's a relatively considerate little boy, so at 3pm I told him I was going to take a nap and not to wake me up till 4:00. Ever since he got his watch, he's been very observant of the time. I went in and burrowed under my fluffy puffy comforter and snuggled into my perfect pillow with a sigh. Right when I had thawed the sheets out and was beginning to get toasty and comfy-limp, Amber started whimpering in the next room. I laid there for a few more minutes hoping against hope, but she didn't stop, so I got up and picked her up. I took her to the basement, deposited her on her father's lap, and went back to bed.

It took me longer to relax to the point of sleep this time, because Jay had resumed his running and jumping. I had been in a light slumber for about 10 minutes when Rose came to my door. The doorknob to my bedroom is stiff, and the kids often think it's locked when it's not. This was one of those times. Rose tried the doorknob and when it didn't open, she started to cry. No, she started to sob and wail like a banshee. I was cruelly ripped from my peaceful dozing state. Rose is the type to cry and cry inconsolably when she's tired. But I was tired too! All I wanted was one hour of undisturbed rest! So I called out to her that the door was not locked. She was crying too loudly to hear me. I tried talking louder. Sob wahhh sob waaahh!  I confess to yelling and half-sobbing my frustration into my pillow. Finally I shouted "ROSE, CAN YOU HEAR ME?" a few times, and eventually her crying slowed and she followed my instructions to use both hands and open the door. She came in and I asked her what she needed, and she said "I want to talk to you." I said "what do you want to talk about?" Rose: "I don't know." Then she turned around and left.

 

By that point I only had about 10 minutes left in my allotted nap-hour, but I felt even more tired than I did when I first laid down, so I collapsed back onto my pillow and eventually let go of my rage enough to fall back to sleep, oversleeping my nap time by 20 minutes, and only waking up when Jay came in to inform me that my nap time was over. I had to get up and rush to make dinner in time. Hello, mama bear. The total amount of sleep I got in that impossible hour and 20 minutes was 10 minutes + 15 minutes. It was awful! I shouldn't have even tried! I haven't had a successful nap since before Christmas, and not for lack of trying, so I should have known better. Blast my optimism.

That was a horrible hour.

 

Now onto a sweeter story. Wednesday afternoon, after I finished feeding Amber, Rose came over and sat on the arm rest of the recliner like she often does. Before I knew it, she was passed out asleep, snoring in my ear. Then Amber joined her (minus the snoring) and I became a human pillow. I was quite tired myself, but sadly I couldn't fall asleep because Rose really does snore quite loudly and Amber was all limp and kept sliding to the side. Plus, I have fallen asleep sitting up without a pillow in that recliner before, and I did not want to get a crick in my neck again. So I sat, holding my sweet slumbering girls and stopped thinking of what I could or should be doing right then. Instead I let myself hold those two limp, trusting little bodies and let my mommy-heart soar up to the clouds. It was a peaceful, picture-perfect motherly moment. I took a few awkward pictures of the situation on my phone and then simply sat there memorizing the moment. All too soon (actually an hour later) it was time to go pick Jay up from school, so I woke up the girls and the spell was broken.

That was a beautiful hour.

 

 

 

 

As a mother, I am constantly amazed at the intensity of the hard moments and the intensity of the good moments. I'm learning that most of the hard moments happen when I'm trying to do something for myself and the good moments happen when I'm doing something for/with my kids. I'm not saying that parents should never have personal time or that we can only be happy when we're with our kids. I'm just saying that there is a strong correlation between serving others [my family] and happiness vs. serving myself [nap] and frustration. That is an obvious, basic lesson that my family teaches me over and over, every day.

Since I'm done bearing babies, I feel like I have a little extra perspective on how I want to BE as a mom, because I know I'm never going to get another chance or another baby. This is IT for me, and I know it all too well. This is my only chance! I am really working on enjoying the journey and having no regrets at the end of each day. Of course that doesn't always happen, but I try my best anyways. I think I'm getting better at finding the joy in every day and staying calm in spite of my sleep schedule and other day-to-day challenges, but I'm not perfect! The other night I was saying my prayers and telling Heavenly Father sorry for how frustrated I got and how tired and grouchy I felt at the end of the day. When I was done praying, I paused for a minute before getting into bed, and in that minute, the Spirit spoke one gentle sentence to my heart: "you're doing a good job." That vote of confidence and love from my perfect heavenly parent meant so much. It lifted me and helped quiet my fears of not being nice enough, not doing my wife-mom-job right, and letting my tiredness control me too much. I still have plenty of challenges to tackle each day, but I have that tender heavenly message treasured in my heart where it can warm me and boost me when I feel sad or confused or just worn out.

Well this was supposed to be a lighthearted, witty saga of the humorously polar opposites of motherhood, but it got me a-pondering and you know how that goes.