A rotten day

Hi, my name is Shaina and I just had a really rotten day. This brownie sundae is not making anything better, but it sure tastes good. Nothing really big and bad happened today, just a bunch of small STUFF that wore me down bit by bit all day, culminating in a phone call to my mom where I unloaded all of those burdens into her ear, had a cry, and received wise, loving words of comfort, which gave me the strength to unlock my bedroom door and jump back into the bedtime fray. I'm sure I could write a snappy, snarky description of my day and all of the ridiculous obstacles I faced. It would probably be quite an entertaining read. But as therapeutic as that would be, I find that can't bring myself to write it for three reasons:

1. A good number of the things weighing on me are not my stories to share. I'm not being mysterious on purpose; there are some things that just aren't blog material. A couple of the straws on my back today involved issues in some of those areas: the health and family of people I care about. As a highly sensitive person, when people I care about feel something, I feel it right along with them--sometimes I swear I feel it MORE than they do! [another article about high sensitivity here--I only recently learned that being highly sensitive is an actual trait, and I find it fascinating to basically read about myself and have a Ph.D. tell me I'm normal--haha] I inherited my ability to worry from my grandma--she got ulcers from it. Often I joke about how I'm going to grow an ulcer for every single person I know and then add to it every time something happens to them. While I don't currently have any ulcers, I do have to work hard not to worry about and for everyone I know!
2. The more I examine my "rotten day," the more I realize that it really was just a normal day and the problem was internal: I just wasn't feeling up to the challenge today. Or maybe I was feeling too sensitive to handle today. Something. I didn't make lemonade out of those lemons that were chucked at my head. I let them give me a black eye and then I cried about it.
3. Countless people out there have actual REAL trials (as opposed to the comparatively small obstacles I faced today). In my own life I have even faced MUCH harder trials than anything I faced today! When I think of the specific people with those hard trials whom I personally know, I feel even more pathetic for letting the messes, aborted naps, last minute cancellations, mile-high responsibilities, emotional burdens, and family demands get to me today. The thought that "someone has it worse" has never really been a comfort to me because it's not my style to find solace in other peoples' suffering. Tonight the fact that other people have harder trials right now served more as a way to give me perspective on my own day--to view it for what it was: a regular ole day with regular ole setbacks.

Jeff had parent teacher conferences yesterday and today. Translation: two back to back 14 hour days for him at work (since he bikes and runs to and from work, the time adds up that high). Two extra-draining days for both of us. Yesterday I was TOTALLY up to the challenge and basically felt like SuperWoMom (superwoman who's also an awesome mom: different from supermom, who has no super powers outside of her motherhood). Today, not so much. Instead of trying to figure out where I went wrong or what I can do better next time, I'm working on just moving on: forgiving myself for today's blahs.

After my healing mom-phone-call, I'm trying not to think about the TWO people I know who have had a parent die in the past two months who do not have the same luxury as I do of calling their moms after a bad day. In a way I feel guilty about feeling so extra grateful (in light of my friends' recent losses) that I could call my mom today, because I know not everyone can do that! How's that for a confusing emotion? Survivor's guilt? It makes my heart ache to even think about what it would be like not to be able to call my mom when I need her--or [possibly] worse, to have a mom who wouldn't care or want to hear about my bad day. I hurt for the people I know in both of those mom (or mom-less) situations. Those thoughts alone are enough to erase the rottenness right out of my day with sheer gratitude for my living, loving mother.

My brownie sundae is now in my tummy. Mmm. I am going to be still now: work on letting the day go. Not stressing about the maybes, the should-haves, and the if-onlys. Leaving today where it belongs: behind me. Looking forward to tomorrow: a fresh start. The phrase "fresh start" always inspires HOPE in my heart.

I hope I never have to wake a sleeping, molar-growing, congested baby early from a nap again. Especially to attend an event that was cancelled! 

I hope I remember not to do my pigtails quite so tight next time. I also hope I can tie my scarf that well on my first try next time!

I hope I remember that grilled cheese and tomato soup is a perfectly acceptable, tasty, cheap, EASY dinner. 

Sigh. I feel much better already. Writing about my day seems to have been therapeutic after all, even without all the gory details!