Debut

Today was my debut as the primary pianist at church. It was messy and equal parts terrifying and embarrassing, but I survived. Notes were played. They weren't anywhere close to all the right notes, but I did my best. Before church while I was working to keep my nerves toned to manageable levels so I didn't get sick to my stomach, I said a short prayer--a short desperate prayer that left me slightly in awe of how sheer desperation funneled into prayer has yielded some of my most meaningful personal lessons.

Instead of praying not to mess up (I believe in miracles, but I also know that God works with what he's got), I prayed for peace so I wouldn't be too tense or shaky to play the few songs I did know. Then I said "please help me do my best and be ok if my best is full of mistakes." When I said those words, their wider application struck me immediately. A quiet dose of love and understanding entered my heart. It was the Spirit, teaching me about Life. We go along through life, doing our best but still making mistakes. I have always accepted mistakes as a part of living and learning. I don't expect to be perfect in life; I only expect to give my best effort. When I make a mistake, I know I can keep on trying again and that's all that is expected--my best is all I can give, and it is enough. If my best efforts are enough for God, they need to be enough for me too.

Interesting how I never applied that knowledge to music before. I've always been too busy worrying about perfection because that's the golden musical standard that so many mere mortals actually achieve. Music does not come naturally to me and I have never come close to achieving perfection with anything musical. But I have always kept on trying because I expected that it was bound to happen eventually. One day I would arrive at that mysterious destination, and suddenly music wouldn't be hard anymore. I have always felt like a second-rate musician because I never got past that expectation of eventual perfection. It is important to work hard toward my goals, but if perfection (or even near-perfection) doesn't come, it's equally as important to embrace those imperfections and do my best to move forward anyways. 

"Please help me be ok if my best is full of mistakes." The answer I felt didn't tell me "it will be ok because you won't make mistakes." It wasn't an empty "you'll be fine--stop worrying about it." Instead it was "I love you for doing your best even though it terrifies you to make those mistakes in front of so many people. You will be ok, and you will learn to handle it little by little, one week at a time."

A divine vote of confidence not in my skill, but in me and my ability to try my best, to keep on giving my best even if it was full of mistakes, gave me peace. I did not feel completely cool and collected sitting at the piano during primary, but I also did not have that quaky gut-clenching tenseness that impedes my piano playing. That is enough peace to be getting on with for now.

The sister missionaries came over this week to help me practice by singing while I played primary songs. Everybody needs to practice piano with sister missionaries behind them, encouraging and saying good job after every song. It was so nice, in spite of my crippling nervousness! They were so sweet to leave me a note on the piano at church today.

These three looked especially bright and sweet walking into church today.

Now if I can just stop replaying my myriad of awkward piano mistakes from today over and over in my head, I will be able to get back to practicing.