Where the White Things Are: Sunrise, Sunset

After a later than usual night last night, Jeff and I were awakened in an unpleasant way just before 5am this morning. Rose walked into our bedroom and said "I need to throw up." You don't need permission to throw up! GO TO THE TOILET AND DO IT! She dashed to our toilet and the rest of the sleep fled from our eyes as we listened to the unpleasant gagging noises emanating from the open bathroom door. Just like that, the rest of my week changed. I was going to babysit for a friend on Wednesday and Thursday, but I cancelled that just in case. I was going to go to the grocery store today, but I stayed home. Movies and rest all day at our house! Even though I am not sick, my miniature night sleep has made it easier to take the day slowly. I am dressed in a loose flannel shirt and leggings with large wool socks pulled up over top. I finished my piano practice and businesslike bill paying by 9am, and then snuggled in for a Cozy Home Day. I turned on a movie for the kids and faced with two hours of free time I found myself thinking "now what?"

Soon after that pause, my best friend on the whole entire planet (Laurs) called and we TALKED for an HOUR! It was the absolute BEST. Her family moved to the U.K. a year ago and that 8 hour time difference has made phone calls tricky. But today was one of those rare times where the stars aligned and we got to talk for a solid gold hour. We jumped past the "how's the family?" stuff straight into the Life and Its Challenges stuff. We discussed Things, Problems, Plans, and Dreams. We encouraged each other. We listened to each other. We sympathized with each other. We shared thoughts, feelings, hopes, and concerns with each other. Eventually we zoomed back out to the "guess what Amber did?" stuff. The entire conversation was soul-feeding and uplifting. Friendship with a true kindred spirit is such a gift! My heart is still glowing and happy in the aftermath of our phone call.

These happy vibes make me feel brave enough to share a bit of my journal entry from last night. I have a bosom friend, so I don't care if the wider world thinks I'm weird! Hah, lately I have been reflecting on getting to know people, feeling a part of groups, and the role that vulnerability plays in that process. Sometimes I think deep thoughts for fun, and I spent and hour chasing these ideas onto paper last night:

In the wake of my debut as primary pianist, I was semi-joking with Jeff about how at least 75% of my most terrifying experiences have been at church. I also pointed out how being put in a vulnerable position--whether by giving a talk, falling desperately ill, running exhausting workouts, or serving in a tough position--has helped me feel more like a part of a group/team/ward than anything else. What is it about that vulnerability that integrates me into a group/ward/team family? I have a few theories:

Being vulnerable dampens my awareness and concern over my social awkwardness. I can't think/worry about what to say and how to interact with people when I am too busy dealing with the more pressing vulnerable dilemma at hand (church talk, sickness, hard calling, hard workout etc.).
Being vulnerable shows my "extremity" to others and lets them know that I am weak/accessible/not invincible. People can relate more to weakness more easily than they can relate to intimidating displays of talent and strength. I know I do!
When others see that vulnerability/extremity in me, and watch me work through it, we create a shared experience. Whether they are serving me, serving with me, or simply watching me, they go through my journey of dealing with the challenge right along with me, and that forges a bond. Shared experiences build relationships, and it seems that the more challenging the experience, the deeper the resulting bond is.
Vulnerability strips me down to my essence. This is who I am. This is how I am. This is the best I can do when I feel inadequate. I am too cornered to be anything but my SELF. It's a fast track to getting to know the "real me." There is no room for fluff or superficial small talk during vulnerable moments, just a spotlight on my soul.
Upon learning that I am feeling inadequate/vulnerable, others' response is nearly always sympathetic and encouraging. Cheering each other on is what teammates do. It creates a "kindness loop" where you cheer for me, and I encourage you, and the positive cycle keeps on rolling along. Kindness strengthens respect, and respect encourages kindness--all good things for feeling a part of the group.
Multiple vulnerable moments within the same group (e.g. a ward, team, or one-on-one friendship) stretch my social rubber band to the limit. The post-vulnerable relief relaxes the rubber band and that extra elasticity makes subsequent social interactions within that group (ward) feel less tense/awkward for me. (Too bad knowing this "social rubber band" trick does not make those stretching moments any less tough!)

How's that for a clinical self-evaluation? I wanted to jot these theories down because they amuse and intrigue me. While I never took a psychology class (unless you count sports psychology), I still enjoy learning about my own personality classifications: introvert (99%), HSP (highly sensitive person), INTJ (Introversion, iNtuition, Thinking, Judgement). INTJ is the rarest Meyers-Briggs personality type. Learning about these basic personality traits helps me gain self-perspective, learn invaluable self care, and continue on my self-empowering quest to treat my uncommon inborn traits as strengths rather than weaknesses.

It's fascinating how many times the vulnerable, humbled feeling I get when I:

am in front of people,
do something hard/scary,
need service

...has transformed awkward social discomfort to calm social comfort. It happened way back on my college cross country team, with an emphasis on the physical exhaustion end of the vulnerability spectrum. It happened in our previous ward family when I went through two debilitating pregnancies and needed constant daily service from the Relief Society. It happened in my beloved old book club where we ventured to keep showing up and sharing opinions and eventually getting so used to each other that we were comfortable with pajama movie nights. Stretch, relax, stretch, relax--following this pattern regularly over and over loosens muscles over time: leg muscles, arm muscles, and social muscles.

[end journal entry]

Last weekend we had some glorious displays in the sky. The sun set one night and rose the next morning with such depth and beauty that I brought the good camera outside twice, back to back and tried to take pictures of it. I had planned to share some insight from General Conference with these pictures because that kind of thing seems to GO with glorious skies, but I am still studying and digesting the conference talks and have not emerged with any profound inspirations beyond favorite quotes yet. "Remember to put Jesus Christ at the center of your day today." was an unlikely favorite sentence from the conference. It seems so obvious, but that last word, TODAY, tacked onto the end is what makes this line stand out to me. Putting Jesus Christ at the center of my life in general is more of a general good idea than a specific call to action. But remembering to put Jesus Christ at the center of my life TODAY demands an immediate response, a decision to act right now. How will I do that today?

Sunset on October 1, 2017: