Where the White Things Are: Big little things

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Big little things

Last week my younger sister and her husband began a four month internship heading up a humanitarian program in central India. One of the things their organization does is build composting toilets for poor families without plumbing.

Last year my older sister took a few online courses and started her own photography business. She has already met her business goal for wedding bookings this year.

My tallest younger brother is in the middle of med school rotations and his wife is pregnant with twins, due next month.

My youngest brother graduated with high honors from Cornell University today. His wife is taking classes towards her degree while also taking care of their cute baby boy.

My husband recently completed his second year of coaching distance runners at Sunnyside High School, with all of his athletes making massive improvements over the past year. He is beloved both in the classroom and on the track.

I am surrounded by greatness. I love all of these giants in my life. They are doing big important inspiring things. This afternoon, my dad called to say hi and tell me about the exciting Cornell graduation. (which happened outside during a two hour downpour!) Brief backstory: on every birthday when I was growing up, my dad would ask me the unanswerable, inevitable "so how does it feel to be 9?" or whatever age I was turning at the time. In reference to that impossible question of yore, I posed a similar question of my own.

"So, Dad, how does it feel to have kids growing up and doing big important things like graduating cum laude from the Ivy League and giving toilets to people in India?" I asked him, partially joking, partially serious, with a tiny vulnerable ache in my heart since I have never come close to doing such Big Things myself. My wise, kind father's reply filled my heart, flooding that little ache with love.

"Well," he said, "graduations and toilet-building are big and exciting events, and [they] have worked hard and are doing so much good. But you are doing the most important work right now, raising righteous good kids."

Thank you, Dad. I did not know how much I needed to hear that today. The more I think about those words, the deeper they sink in. He did not say that to discount the amazing things my siblings are doing; he said it to underscore how all five of us are doing big important things--different things, but all good things. Even though being a full time mom is basically a thankless task, I never regret my decision to be what I am. But it is easy to feel sort of left behind, like all of my own personal Big Things are in the past. I am not going to have any more babies, I graduated from a tiny obscure college ten years ago, I have never had a job that pays more than $8 per hour.

What's left is the daily grind of raising a stubborn mischievous anti-potty toddler (maybe I should send Amber to India to teach her to value the toilet a bit more?) and two highly intelligent, demanding older children. This task is such a BIG little thing! What exactly do I do each day? I am HERE. That is basically my main job right now--being here. It is an incredibly big little thing.

Motherhood is a quiet background pursuit and it suits me, even though my patience still has a long way to go. Motherhood involves steady support, putting everyone before myself, listening, wiping tears and bums, staying calm through tantrums, teaching, cooking, cleaning, coaxing, guiding. Endlessly. When I was thinking about all of the big little things I do every day and wondering if all of it is enough, my own mom's face came to mind. She has always been there for her kids full time. That big little job has defined her life for the past 33 years, and she's still going strong. Now, thanks to her support and devotion, she has raised kids who are building toilets, healing patients, taking stunning wedding pictures, graduating with high honors and handling an Amber-child. All of the big little things she does for her kids have become Big Beautiful Things via the five kids she raised. When I looked at my life from the vantage point of my parents, I was reminded that THIS normal day right here right now is what life is made of: a million big little things.

Maybe one day I will accomplish other non-motherly Big Things. Maybe I won't. The fact remains that what I am doing right now as a mother matters more than anything else I have done in the past or might do later, because good parents are behind the big moments and the little moments and the medium sized moments in between. Good parents are everything.