One of my witty cross country
teammates in college used to joke about the saying “shoot for the moon and
you’ll land in the stars,” replacing it with “leap for the stars and you’ll
land in the trees.” Jeff and I still chuckle about that, because honestly
“landing in the trees” is so much more true to real life, especially when
clumsy runners are involved.
In an excellent blog post, pro
runner Lauren Fleshman posed a thought-provoking query: “what if I am brave and
still fail?”
This question haunts me every now
and then, both with running and in other situations (especially when I consider
my bigger life dreams and ambitions). Of course the answer is that I am enough,
whether I reach my lofty goals or not. I rarely question my worthiness or
“enough-ness”. However, I do question my ability to “succeed sufficiently”
though!
* * *
Now for two situations where I
put my lofty-goal-leaping courage to the test in recent real life:
I. The Sage Rat Half Marathon
Yesterday (Saturday, May 12th) I
ran our local Sage Rat Half Marathon. I diligently trained for it, completing
six consecutive 30 mile weeks. I carefully planned out time to squeeze in four
extra long runs to prepare. I gained a lot of fitness along the way and learned
how to fit 30 miles of running into my everyday life. It was great! I felt
great! I was ready to make an attempt at a sub-1:45 half marathon!
Race day dawned and I toed the
line feeling fresh and springy. Jeff followed the point-to-point course in the
van with my mom and the kids, stopping to cheer me on every few miles. A mere
quarter of the way through the race, however I started to lag. The sun got hot
and baked me on the shade-less bike path for the rest of the race. I stopped
sweating around mile 8 and it got even harder to continue. For the final five
miles, my family’s cheering, the water stations, and sheer willpower were the
only things pulling me along.
I crossed the finish line dried
to a crisp, sunburned, and so, so tired. My time was eleven minutes slower than
I had hoped for, but I gave my best effort under tough conditions. I was
satisfied with my 1:56:29.
“What if I am brave and still
fail?” This time around I set a lofty goal, did my realistic best to work
towards it, and then fell short on race day.
* * *
II. Mother’s Day Piano
Performance
Today was Mother’s Day–the day I
had been dreading for weeks. As primary pianist at church, it was my job to
play two Mother’s Day songs while the kids sang in front of the entire ward.
My hands were clammy. My heart
was pounding. I was simultaneously a rope stretched taut and a soggy spaghetti
noodle as I walked up front at church and sat at the piano. Over the past few
weeks I had practiced the songs dozens and dozens of times perfectly at home,
drilling my brain nigh to insanity with them. When it came time to perform, I
was at the mercy of my spaghetti-tight-rope nerves. The kids standing up to
sing along with my playing blocked my view of the chorister, so I was even
shakier and less certain. My hours of practice did allow me to recover from all
of the [many] wrong notes my shaky fingers hit and continue through the song,
but by the end I was ready to hide behind the piano rather than walk my six
foot tall frame in front of everyone again after such a patchy piano
performance. I miraculously survived the
terror of playing the piano and walking back to my seat, but it was scary and
hard and not as successful as I wanted it to be.
How can I be so dust-humbled by something
that I was never proud of to begin with?
“What if I am brave and still
fail?” I practiced those songs till my eyes crossed and my fingers could play
them without my brain’s help. My accuracy and confidence in my at-home playing
piano was at an all-time high. During regular Sunday primary singing time with
the kids, I was nailing those notes. I had shot for the moon and was soaring
through the stars…until it was time to get up in front of 150 people and play,
when I suddenly came crashing down through the trees and landed in the prickly
bushes.
* * *
It is scary to set a lofty goal
and go all out in the quest to achieve it because I may not make it. I may not
run the fast time I want. I may not manage to play the piano well at church. I
may not finish that project in time. I may not handle that parenting situation
as gracefully as I want to. I may not _____ (fill in the blank). I may shoot
for the moon but land short of the stars, somewhere tangled in the trees
instead.
But I also might fly!! It is so
hard and scary to jump, to take that risk, put myself out there, set that goal
and strive towards it. But the journey is more important than the destination.
Along the way, in the middle of the work, sweat, and striving, growth happens.
That sticky tricky middle part is where I am taught and stretched and changed.
So no matter what happens at the destination, I can draw comfort from the raw
experience and hands-on lessons learned along the intense, wild, difficult,
refining journey.
My two recent back-to-back
experiences with running and piano-ing are prime examples of setting lofty
goals, going all out to work towards them, and then falling short at go-time. I
did not fail to complete the challenges set before me, I just didn’t do as well
as I wanted to or as well as I thought I should be able to do, based on the
high level of effort I put into my preparations. I shot for the moon, fell
through the stars, and landed in the trees instead.
“What if I am brave and still fail?”
“The race always hurts. Expect it
to hurt. You don’t train so it doesn’t hurt. You train so you can tolerate it.”
—Mark Rowland
“Falling down is life. Getting
back up again is living.” —Jose N. Harris
Going through challenges is
refining. It’s the journey, not the destination that matters. I wrote this as
yet another reminder to myself of that truth. It stinks to work-work-work
towards a goal and then fall short of the initial dream. But it is not the end.
It is only the beginning!
“What if I am brave and still fail?”
–“Nevertheless, I went forth” —Nephi
All chipper and cheery at the start in Sunnyside, high-fiving Rose. The Sage Rat race runs along the bike path from Sunnyside and through Grandview, finishing in Prosser.
Did they custom-make this sage rat costume? Before this moment, I had never touched a sage rat before. I wasn’t so sure about it. How many other sweaty runners had he already hugged in that fur?
Post-race-post-shower couch
snuggles with my dear mom, who left home at 5am and drove 2.5 hours just to
watch my race. She stayed with us for a few hours after the race, reading
stories, filling our fridge with tasty homemade food, and admiring the scenery
behind our house before heading back home again that afternoon. We did not want
her to leave! (Jay was off playing somewhere at photo time, plus a girl-picture
seemed like a good idea.) ONWARD!
Sources of inspiration, because I
like to have them; cited Shaina-style since this isn’t English class :
·
“Are you
afraid of the dark?” by Lauren Fleshman:
http://www.oiselle.com/blog/are-you-afraid-of-the-dark
·
“The race
always hurts” from Coach Mark Rowland:
https://www.runnersworld.com/race-training/best-running-advice-ever
·
“Falling
down is part of life” by Jose Harris in his memoir, Mi Vida (which I must
confess I have not read yet; I read the quote and loved it so much I tracked
down its origin since Pinterest and various memes lamely labeled it
anonymous):
https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/4631437.Jos_N_Harris
·
“Nevertheless,
I went forth” from 1 Nephi 4:7 in The Book of Mormon:
https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/1-ne/4?lang=eng
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