Here are a few scenes from the week, pasted from my journal. As usual, I'm not trying to sound cynical or anti-motherhood or mad. I wrote about these normal daily happenings at the end of normal days.
Sunday May 31, 2015
We arrived at church about 3 minutes early today. I was pleased, since there had been a few more last minute delays than usual when we were leaving for church. As we were walking across the parking lot, however, I noticed that Amber had done a large poo reaching dangerously close to the hem of her bloomers. So I stopped in the bathroom when we entered the church building to change the extra messy diaper. That pushed our arrival at sacrament meeting into the middle of the opening song. Sigh. It's ok, I thought. We are here. At church. We made it. Then during the sacrament hymn, Amber did a giant slimy smelly barf all over my skirt. I felt so worn out from being pooped and barfed on! I confess to feeling peeved and defeated. I just wanted to sing the sacrament hymn and maybe even--gasp--think about the purpose of the sacrament for once, and yet again I was foiled by the small ones. I KNOW it will happen, but I think the variety of ways that it happens is what makes it hard every single time. Right when I think I'm mentally/physically prepared for all possible interruptions/issues, one or more kids whips out a new way to derail my church worship. Sigh. My brain KNOWS that this is part of the parental territory and that they won't stay little forever and everything is a phase and all that, but in the very moment of the chaotic events those thoughts do very little to console me. I cherish my kids and their youngness and their phases, but somehow certain things still manage to wipe out my patience. I wish I could withstand the irritation better! Thankfully, the situation with Amber's liquid emissions reached epic levels to the point where it was amusing again and my sense of humor kicked back in. She barfed a big one all over her own dress next. Then she got Jeff. We were all rather damp at the end of church, smelling faintly of semi-digested milk and applesauce.
Lesson of the day (relearned for the millionth time): It's not just showing up at church that is important. Going to church is the first step. Enduring to the end of church takes a little extra umph, especially when small children are concerned.
Tuesday, June 1, 2015
I tried to read a General Conference talk all day today. I had the Ensign open on the kitchen table and I read it while I ate lunch (interrupted by Amber and Rose constantly). I read it while I waited for the oven timer to beep various times [as I prepared bread, pizza crusts, and a snack for a friend's baby shower tomorrow]--interrupted by children. It was just HARD and interrupted so many times! I barely made it through the first page after all that effort! It seems like reading a simple short conference talk should be completely doable in an entire day, but the interruptions made me need to reread paragraphs so I could understand the flow and topic, and then try to get some meaning out of it. So I kept rereading the same thing over and over, not getting far at all. I know it's quality not quantity and all that, but still. I felt like I was barely keeping my nose above water! I don't want to read in the evenings after everyone's in bed anymore because my brain is functioning at an even lower level then, after a long day. So I decided to call it good for today. I read an entire page of a conference talk! The glass is half full! I just have to keep reminding myself that as long as I'm making the effort, it counts for something. Easier to say that than truly believe it because I always wonder and second guess myself--did I really give it my best effort? Where do you draw the line between childcare and scripture reading? The age-old motherly debate. Interruptions are inevitable, but when the baby is asleep and the 4 year old is watching a movie is that when I should have finished reading and pondering that talk? I decided to use the time to call my Mom instead, something I've been wanting to do for the past week. I don't regret calling my Mom. But did I do enough for my "spiritual welfare?" Ahh! How can I tell? Good better best. Sigh. The endless circular debate. Ok. Enough of that. I shall go read a mindless work of fiction before bed now and NOT FEEL GUILTY about it. I hope.
Wednesday, June 3rd
While I was driving on 82 yesterday, I saw a hawk swoop down in the median, grab a sage rat out of the brush and fly off with the rat dangling and wriggling in its claws! It happened right in front of me on the highway of all places! It was awesome.
This afternoon, while Rose was watching The Little Mermaid and Amber was napping, I stretched out on my stomach on my bed (lying on my stomach is still a luxury) to read a General Conference talk. I've been trying to do my scripture study during the day instead of saving it for night time lately because I either forget or feel too tired at night. I'm still to groggy when I first wake up to do it at my favorite time (first thing in the morning). It's hard to find quiet time during the day, and hard to use what little quiet time I get for such a mentally-involved, serious purpose. But I read one talk today and started feeling quite drowsy. I laid on my pillow and listened to The Little Mermaid end. Predictably, Rose called for me and we Marco-Polo'd (more like Mommyyyy? --whaaaaat? Mommyyyyy? --WHAT??) till she finally came trotting into my room and started talking, tickling, and poking me. She brought blankets and we snuggled up on my pillow, giggling together. The next thing I knew, I was waking up nose to nose with a sleeping Rose. We had both somehow fallen asleep sharing my pillow! I must've been more tired than I thought! I rarely can sleep if anyone is touching me, much less sharing my pillow and breathing in my face, so it was incredibly disorienting to have fallen asleep while playing with Rose! Thankfully I woke up in the nick of time to go pick Jay up from school.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Yesterday when I was sweeping the patio under the porch, I stood up without thinking and whacked my skull on the porch support beams. I really cracked it hard! Our porch is barely 6 feet above the ground but the beams supporting the floorboards are lower than that. I stood up right underneath one of those. The back of my head has a big tender spot. Sniff.
Today I ran my 10k loop in a lethargic 58:26. The good parts: no dogs got closer than 20 feet, and I didn't feel lethargic (even if I did run rather slowly).
Sunday, June 7th
Jay was just saying his bedtime prayer tonight and Rose (who is notoriously irreverent during prayers when the mood strikes) came over and BIT my knee! I swatted/shoved her away with a roar and she went rolling. Seriously though!?!? One second things are smooth, cute, and happy, and the next my rage is burning! The frustrated moments make me feel like such a bad mother, but at the same time, what else can I do? I don't beat my kids, but I do defend myself and them from each other, and sometimes that defense is a quick yank here or a roar there. Mama-bear! No hurting allowed!
Jay was just saying his bedtime prayer tonight and Rose (who is notoriously irreverent during prayers when the mood strikes) came over and BIT my knee! I swatted/shoved her away with a roar and she went rolling. Seriously though!?!? One second things are smooth, cute, and happy, and the next my rage is burning! The frustrated moments make me feel like such a bad mother, but at the same time, what else can I do? I don't beat my kids, but I do defend myself and them from each other, and sometimes that defense is a quick yank here or a roar there. Mama-bear! No hurting allowed!
At church today during the sacrament, Rose dropped a piece of bread on the floor and then put it back in the tray. I managed to pluck it out and dispose of it. Amber started fussing so Jeff handed her to me, but he did it a weird way, feet first, so she managed to kick me in the face during the transition, knocking my glasses loose. Later Rose grabbed the water tray from the deacon while I was holding Amber and before I could stop it, Amber grabbed the tray. I finally unclamped her fingers from it before a very wet disaster struck, but then Rose held her plastic sacrament cup in her mouth, leaned forward, and dropped it into the sacrament tray directly from her lips. Ahhgg! The germs! If my small family of 3 kids can cause that much sacramental mayhem when I am being super vigilant, what has already happened to that bread and water before it got to us? Eeeek! Faith over fear, right? After that I left the chapel with a loud cranky baby, cloistered myself in the mothers lounge and held her while she cried for nearly half an hour before finally falling asleep in my arms.
It looks like things have come full circle this week.
