Hope after fire

My beloved, very most favorite cathedral Notre Dame de Paris caught fire on Monday (April 15th). Jeff sent me a text about it around mid-morning, and I was glued to the online news updates for most of that afternoon. I didn't even check the results of the Boston Marathon until Monday night! It was an accidental fire turning 2/3 of the oak roof and most of the interior below that into black rubble. I went through a rainbow of emotions as I watched the story unfold half a world away. I felt as though one of my closest friends had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness! After fifteen hours, les pompiers had finally doused the fire and saved the iconic front bell towers and rose windows. Before the flames were even completely quenched, donors had pledged millions of euros to rebuild what was lost. I have so many thoughts and feelings about this heart-wrenching event, and every time I have tried to write about it, I have felt incoherent and inadequate to even begin. But starting where I am is all I can do, even if it's not where I want to be.

Worth the wait

Two months late but worth the wait: at long last, after a two month and five day delay (Rose informed me of the exact lateness), we had Rose's birthday party on Friday night (April 12th). Rose chose the three P's for her party: pizza, pinata, and playtime. We decided that Friday evening was ideal for a kid party: low-key, easy and not taking away from people's Saturday plans. Plus, Jeff would be home to help police the pinata--we've done pinatas twice in the past, and Jeff is very helpful. So I texted all of the moms of the kids in Rose's church class: party, our house, Friday from 5:30-7pm.

The Talk

Saturday, April 13, 2019 journal: Jay, Rose, Amber, and I happened to all be sitting at the table eating lunch together today (Jeff was out running), so I took the opportunity to slip in our almost-daily Come Follow Me mini lesson. Teaching always works best in our family when it feels natural and is not forced or contrived. This time I was super sneaky and didn't even look at the book. I had already looked it over earlier this morning, so I was ready to teach gospel principles on the sly. Muahahahaa!

St. Louis Arch

Our last big outing during our spring break visit to Missouri was in to St. Louis. Washington, MO, where my sister and her family live, is about an hour from downtown St. Louis. We've visited downtown St. Louis several times in the past, but the kids were finally old enough to make a trip up the arch worthwhile. The museum at the base of the arch had just been rebuilt and reopened last year, and it was all new to me and very well done.

St. Louis Zoo

Friday morning (March 29th), we went to the St. Louis Zoo. It was fun, but kids always get so tired so fast! Amber didn't seem to slow down when she got tired though. Somehow she became more of a miscreant, running farther away and ignoring me more blatantly the more tired she got. But for most of the time, she was great and enjoyed seeing the animals.

MO'stalgia

I. Castle and mint brownies
In between our modest handful of outings during our Missouri visit, we stayed close to home. Em made delicious desserts and we watched lots of episodes of Castle while the kids played outside or Minecraft. Full disclosure: we finished off 1.9 pans of mint brownies and nearly half a lemon cake on our own, just the two of us. We bought some Oreos for the kids so we wouldn't have to share our homemade treats. Yep. I joke that the real reason I am able to maintain my body weight is due to our annual sister get together in springtime and our family reunion in the summer. I get most of my yearly calories in two weeks! Haha, and I enjoy it immensely. We also sped through FORTY episodes of Castle. We had to pause it regularly (the trick to pausing the show if a kid came into the room was not to pause it on a murder scene or any other less-G-rated shot).

Shaw Nature Reserve

Our first outing during our week in Missouri was to our favorite Shaw Nature Reserve, which is only ten minutes from my sister's house. We had a leisurely morning talking and hanging out (with a run for me), and ended up eating lunch before heading over to Shaw. Missouri is moody in the springtime, but we did not let that stop us!

MO travels

For spring break, the kids and I flew to Missouri to visit my sister Em and her family. We didn't think we were going to be able to get together this spring because I was not up for a 4,000 mile round trip drive alone with the kids (my sense of adventure seems to be waning as I progress through my 30's), and airplanes are so expensive. One day at the end of January, Em and I were talking/plotting on the phone and we hatched the plan to split the airfare between the two of us. I checked flight prices and ended up finding a smoking deal out of Pasco (only one hour from our house as opposed to the three hour drive to Seattle). We quickly made sure both of our husbands were on board with the arrangement, and then I booked four tickets. Em and I each paid $550. WORTH IT.

Dancing in the kitchen

Spring is the time for front-porch-sitting, sunshine-soaking, and idyllic photography. It's so easy to be happy during springtime!

Journal excerpt from Thursday, March 21, 2019:

Amber and I danced around the kitchen while eating PBJ today, because crumbs are going to scatter whether we dance or not, so we may as well dance. That was my Instagram caption-turned profound thought for the day. It's fascinating how sometimes new thoughts flow through my fingers before I even realize that I'm thinking them.

Biking, burning, and bovines

Excerpt from my journal on March 19, 2019:
It was another beautiful afternoon today, sunny and 55 degrees. Amber went for a bike ride while I walked next to her. She rode down the dirt hill out back several times before hitting a rut the wrong way, toppling over at the bottom, and deciding she was done. It was so pleasant outside and Amber was so happy, I started feeling sad about a year and a half from now when she's in school. Who will I go on walks with then? I won't have a companion anymore to force me to stop and take time to wander in the sunshine.

Subbing

Jeff stayed home from work to aid his mental health recovery on Monday, March 18th. He asked if I would sub for him at track practice that afternoon. Since I am already a district employee via my job as assistant cross country coach, I am a perfectly legal fingerprinted, security screened adult person to help out with track practice last minute. After careful thought (aka mentally bracing myself for hours of stress and agonizing), I agreed to sub. I was a nervous wreck and had to give myself mental pep talks all day. I could not think about it while I was eating because being nervous makes my appetite flee. I kept telling myself things like "it's ridiculous that you're even nervous--you know half of the track team's distance crew from cross country!" and "You've solo-coached a group of high schoolers twice this size more than once. You can do this."

Not Guilty

Note: I wrote this post ten days ago while I was sorting my thoughts and feelings. At the time, everything felt too close to share. Time has reduced the vulnerability (slightly) and I keep thinking that these are good things to share, so I'm sharing:

Mental illness comes in all shapes, strengths, ages, and sizes. Some people, like a sweet longtime friend of mine, have incredibly severe, often debilitating mental illnesses to cope with. Others, like my husband, have a relatively mild case that is much more intermittent and comparatively easily managed (for the most part). Still others fall in between the two extremes on the spectrum, like another good friend, who battles anxiety with a touch of depression in the mix, while her husband faces a more intense case of depression. Another loved one has depression that slams into him unexpectedly one day, then lifts a few days later just as suddenly. Then there are people like me, who don't have a mental illness of their own, but who love people with mental illnesses.