Balm

Remember how excited I was about 9am church? I've only gone ONCE this whole year! Yes, it's only the third Sunday of the year, but it still feels like forever since I went to church. Poor Amber still sounds so raspy and congested that I kept her home again today. I have been trying to make the Sundays that I stay home from church more...Sunday-ish? Because I WANT and NEED that weekly spiritual re-set. After Jeff, Jay, and Rose left for church this morning, I attempted to have a little personal church at home to invite the Spirit and to rid myself of the nagging hollow feeling of being left behind and missing out on church. I applied various forms of balm to my motherly soul:

• I read "Behold Thy Mother" By Elder Holland, from the October 2015 General Conference. It's so amazing, it's almost cliché by now! But I find that if I read parts of that talk whenever I'm feeling worn out, uncertain, overwhelmed, or inadequate, it heals me right up and makes me think I can do this after all. 
• I read my journal/blog post from July 23, 2015, about Moroni 7:13. Is it prideful to turn to my own writing for comfort? My thoughts from that day are such a good reminder to me of my work and life as a mother. That's why I write these things down, so I can remember them and review them later when I need them again. Here's the thought from that entry: Everything that invites us to do good continually and to love and serve God is inspired of God. Motherhood definitely invites me to do good! As a mother, all that I do for my kids is God's work, whether it's changing nasty diapers, cooking dinner, diffusing a tantrum, or reading stories. It's all important, it's all good, and it's all of God. 
• I listened to my favorite Mo-Tab album, "Called to Serve", especially the hymns Redeemer of Israel and How Firm a Foundation. Those are POWERFUL words and beautiful music, all three hymns with the shining message to love and serve and to remember Jesus Christ--not only remember his gospel and his example, but also remember that he is always there for us.
• I wrote down my feelings and impressions--for me, that's always an incredible way to invite the Spirit to confirm what I've been taught already and to teach me more. The more I try to figure out how to write down what an impression really meant, the more I learn from the Spirit. It has taken me nearly two hours (interrupted at regular intervals by Amber) to siphon these thoughts out of my heart, through my head, and onto paper (well, into typed words). In the classic Shaina style, the more I pondered my one small beginning thought, the more it bloomed and grew into hundreds of words. 

From Elder Holland's beloved, eloquent talk:
"no love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child...To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle--and all will--I say, "Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are. In fact, you are saviors on Mount Zion, and like the Master you follow, your love 'never faileth.' I can pay no higher tribute to anyone."
LAAAA! Balm, pure, soothing balm.

Sometimes life is rough and you just need to be held.

While I was listening to How Firm a Foundation, I felt such peace and comfort. I have always loved the way that bold hymn so gracefully states simple truths. My heart was soothed and I felt the impression come to me that I have a firm foundation of faith and missing church to care for a sick baby will not affect my foundation. In fact, in a way, missing church to care for a sick baby is another way to keep the Sabbath day holy. Motherhood is a divine calling and I am fulfilling that calling when I take care of my kids--even if it requires me to miss church. Motherhood requires us to give everything we can think of, then everything else too, over and over. Learning how to sacrifice not only big things but also small things is refining. I wish I was better at it! Of course I'm not saying that staying home from church with kids all the time is the best way to keep the Sabbath day holy, but it was a very calming uplifting thought that staying home from church for the right reasons "counts," you know?

Then there's the promise found in Isaiah 41:10, beautifully sung in How Firm a Foundation verse 3:

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

That is a true powerhouse of a hymn and scripture, and such pure, TRUE words. I know he will help, strengthen, and comfort us every time we ask in faith.

While I was writing this, Amber was in and out of my lap. Writing about all of this has helped me remember to STOP and just hold her when she needs me. The hymn "I am a Child of God" was playing when Amber fell and started crying. She got up and stagger-walked over to me in her bow-legged one year old way, her cries changing into that relieved chuckle-moan sound the closer she got to me, like she was thinking "if I can just make it a few more steps to Mama, I will be alright." I turned toward her and held out my arms, waiting and watching her stumble across the room into my arms. I picked her up and squeezed her and patted her, kissed her and hugged her. She calmed down and just sat with me for a bit before squiggling down and toddling off again. Listening to the words of "I am a Child of God while that small everyday little occurrence happened really hit me in the heart. My thoughts zoomed out and I could just see Heavenly Father turning toward me with his arms out, waiting for me to stumble back into them. Being a parent is such a refining, sanctifying, godly experience! Too often I shy away from such strong words because they seem overly sentimental. Elder Holland wields such strong words masterfully--maybe that's why I feel so intimidated by attempting to use them, haha. It is worthwhile and helpful to stop and reflect on what I DO every day and what it means. When I do that, it makes me feel like so much more than "just a mom."

Ok, another Amber tale from today: Amber came over to me, whimpering and holding a Little People toy person. I decided to try and distract her from whatever was bothering her, so I took the toy and stuck it in the pocket on her dress. She looked at me in such wonder--clearly thinking "where'd it go, Mama?" I pulled it out and then put it back into her pocket. She grabbed the toy through her pocket and looked up at me with an expression full of amazement and excitement--a big grin lit with awe. In that moment I thought how much FUN it is to watch my kids discover things for the first time, and to show them new things. Zoom out: I can see Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ feeling that same joyful FUN feeling I just had, every time I discover for the first time something that they planned or created, whether it's admiring a gorgeous view or deepening my understanding of the gospel.

Parenthood is the most godly experience we can ever have on this earth. I am so thankful for it, even when it keeps me home from church. :)

 Friday night is family movie night: it was a pizza picnic and Toy Story in the basement this week. I forgot how much I love those movies. We were all so into it that we watched Toy Story 2 on Saturday night, with pizza and a picnic again. Good thing I made a double batch of pizza crust!

Ah, the exhausted, exhausting chaos of family scripture reading at bedtime.