Mother's Day: a plea

For the past few weeks, I have been practicing Mother's Day songs for the primary kids to sing to their moms in church on Mother's Day. My piano practice sessions are always punctuated by near constant kid-interruptions of varying levels of intensity. I employ all types of evasive maneuvers to get through songs, from ignoring the current badgering child until I finish playing a song (often inspiring note-derailing arm-tugging or louder demanding from the child), all the way to telling them to go do whatever works for them while I practice (risky permission to give a kid). The fluffy idealistic mom-songs overlaying the reality of my often less-than-graceful handling of intense children has caused me to ponder why I do not enjoy Mother's Day or church primary mother's day songs very much.

A few weeks ago when I first tried putting my finger on what I dislike about lyrics such as "dear mother, all flowers remind me of you", I decided it was how non-universal that statement is. Flowers in no way remind me of my mother. Maybe lilacs--maybe--but honestly, flowers do not even make an appearance in my top ten memories of my mom. If I were to pick one item that reminds me of my mom the most, it would most definitely not be meadows of clover. It would be books: libraries, bookstores, bookshelves, and stories. I even composed new lyrics to "I Often Go Walking" in an attempt to soothe my ruffled sanity with humor while I practiced playing that tricky sappy song endlessly on the piano.

I Often Go Reading

I often go reading in rooms full of bookshelves; 

and I gather armfuls of books used and new. 

I gather the stories the library over, 

Dear Mother all bookshelves remind me of you.

Oh mother, I give you my love with each blog post; 

To give forth sweet stories a whole lifetime through; 

for if I love stories and reading and writing,

I learned how to love them, Dear Mother, from you.

That is much better--not my best poetry, but I never claimed to be a poet. After writing those lyrics, I thought I had found balm for my anti-mother's-day-ness at last. But while I was practicing piano this morning (and navigating the inevitable child-interruptions from Jay on down), another realization hit me: these Mother's Day songs are all about such superficial fluff and nonsense, like flowers and bluebirds and pretty faces. Mothers are more than just flower-loving quietly-smiling pretty faces! SO MUCH MORE! Look at the process of becoming a mother! Is there anything calm, demure, or pretty about pushing what amounts to a watermelon out between your legs? I THINK NOT.

Moving forward past the naked difficulties of becoming a mother, what about the endless routine of poopy children? They always poop. They always have to poop at the most inconvenient times and in the most inconvenient places. It is a cruel loop, dealing with all of that poop. The list goes on: crumbs, messes, tantrums, stubbornness, screaming, wrestling, etc. Is there anyone who deals with that daily onslaught of raw emotion with her "gently smiling face" never slipping? I THINK NOT.

Motherhood is more than the sum of its parts: watermelons, poop, crumbs, drama, and tantrums. I will be the first to tell stand and say with 100% conviction that it is ALL WORTH IT. The worthiness of the cause for full-time motherhood is not at stake here. Thank goodness for all of the glowing moments of aching beauty (however fleeting they may be) that are woven in and out between all of the crumbs, poop, drama, and tantrums. Sometimes a few seconds of cuteness, sympathy, or assistance are all it takes to help me pick up my scattered wits and move forward with motherhood.

I am not suggesting that verses about poop, crumbs, and emotional roller coasters be added to the mother's day songs; I am simply illustrating the point that the current words in the mother's day songs mostly talk about loving mom because she's pretty and sweet and gentle and kind all the time. Can't moms be pretty, sweet, gentle, and kind while also being strong, courageous, intelligent, and talented? Can we accept that not all moms are all of these things?

How about we start expressing love to our mothers not for what they ARE but for what they DO?

Flowers are a sweet simple gift, I agree. I love receiving flowers. But to truly show love to a MOTHER, who does everything from birthing babies to potty training them (and still loving them after that nightmare) and beyond, it makes more sense to help shoulder her burden rather than shower her with sneeze-inducing flowers. Sweep the kitchen floor without being asked. Clean up that messy room. Scrub the toilet. Diffuse a kid argument. Walk the Amber. Do some laundry and fold it. Show your love for her by giving her a break--however brief--from the monotony of all of her background labors of love.

"But that's not the kind of gift you can send in the mail or set out on the kitchen table on mother's day!" So write your mom a kind note and set it out on the table with some flowers. Then get to work. Because if you don't do the work, it will fall to her. Giving mom a "day off" on Mother's Day when you don't do the work in her place really just gives mom a Monday from Hades with triple the work (since housework never simply doubles when it is left undone).

If all families always willingly helped out at home and always made sure to SHOW the mother love for what she does by helping her do it, Mother's Day as we know it would cease to exist. We wouldn't feel the need to set aside a special day to honor mothers because we would know that we have been honoring these extraordinary women all along.

_________________________________________________________________________________
*Disclaimer A: I know that not all mothers stay at home full time, but I did not include working moms in my mom-life descriptions because I have no firsthand experience with the needs of a working mom.

*Disclaimer B: This entire editorial is written from my personal point of view and is limited by my personal experiences, just like every piece of writing ever.

*Disclaimer C: While I believe that showing appreciation for what a person does is far more important than showing love for their more superficial attributes, everyone feels love in a different way. Love languages: google it.

*Disclaimer D: The actual words that the kids sing on Mother's Day are secondary to their sweet singing--I have always been heartwarmed by cute children singing love to their mothers. It is sweet.

*Disclaimer E: If you are not LDS, my angst at mother's day songs is probably incomprehensible. Suffice it to say that the LDS Children's Songbook has not been updated in my lifetime. Also of note, at church on mother's day, the kids usually all go up and sing a song or two about mothers.

*Disclaimer F: In regards to my own mother dearest, I am not, nor have I ever been perfect at living up to all of these ideals that I just preached. In spite of my strongest opinions, I recognize that all we can do is our best, and love recognizes that effort.

My mom is the best.