Sunday will come

Last week Jeff had four track meets. It was exhausting for both of us, and I'm not even coaching! Jeff got home late on his track meet nights (between 7pm-10:30pm) so our evenings were in flux and I didn't sleep as much as I needed. I was able to run at sunrise on three of the mornings before Jeff left for work, which was peaceful and restorative, but also exhausting to be up and running that early. Maintaining our household and balancing other responsibilities in the midst of Jeff's absence and my fatigue made the week feel LONG. I sat down to write this post at least four times before actually accomplishing anything because the thought of reliving last week was just so exhausting I couldn't bring myself to write about it.


It was Easter week! I didn't want the week to be hard. To prep our family for Easter, I had plans to follow a daily Easter reading schedule that I found in the Friend magazine. The schedule gave a scripture verse, a brief explanation, and a song for each day of the week leading up to Easter, tracking the last week of Jesus Christ's life on earth. Jeff was only home for our Easter scripture once, so I was extra-grateful for a simple pre-made outline of Easter scriptures and songs for the week. Here's what our best effort looked like: we missed missed Sunday and caught up on Monday, then missed Wednesday and Thursday and played catch-up on Friday, then missed Saturday and had to catch up again on Sunday night.

On Monday night, (April 15th) we went to a neighbor's house for a four family Easter egg hunt (9 kids total, Jay was the oldest). It was fun and low-key, except Jay and Rose got way too into the egg gathering and they had a wrestling match over the last egg wherein Jay tackled Rose flat. Jay's bucket of eggs spilled when he dove on top of Rose, whereupon Amber swooped in and claimed at least five or six of Jay's eggs for her own. It was hilarious and kind of awkward having my kids fight over eggs that someone else filled at someone else's house. After we pulled the kids apart and talked Jay down from his righteous indignation at not only losing the last egg to his younger sister, but also losing another half dozen eggs of his other hard-earned eggs to his very youngest sister, we spent a pleasant hour chatting with our friend-hosts, then headed home.

On Tuesday morning, (April 16th) at 9am Jeff texted me from work asking if I could bring him some anxiety medication. I jumped right in the car and spent the entire drive worried-worried-worried. It's like I'm going to GET a case of anxiety on my own just from trying to take care of Jeff through his. I felt all emotionally wobbly and sat in the quiet car when I got home for 20 minutes, just soaking in the calm and trying to gear myself up for the rest of the day (Amber went inside to play). I kept tearing up and wanting to completely let the flood gates down, but I resisted after a tear or two because crying gives me a headache. The prospect of having Jeff out of commission any time he was at home for the next week or more while he battled his anxiety back under control was just so lonely I didn't want to face the day. Eventually Amber came back out to the garage looking for me and I went inside to begin the rest of the day. That night, Jeff was gone at a track meet in Moses Lake, and didn't get home till nearly 10:30pm.

On Wednesday (April 17th), Jeff stayed home from work to stabilize his mental health and it was so good. He wasn't nearly as wiped out as he was last time his anxiety hit. He was mostly his normal Jeff self. I was so relieved. Plus it was nice to actually SEE him for a day! I even got to go on a run by myself and it was therapeutic. I was so glad Jeff took the day off that he needed, and that it helped both of us gear up for the rest of the week.

On Thursday, April 18th, I wrote in my journal: The third track meet of this endless week is over. Thankfully it was in Sunnyside so Jeff was home by 8pm rather than after 10pm. Instagram summary: The weather was gorgeous so I took my reluctant recalcitrant selectively deaf kids to the high school track meet in town tonight. Their uncooperativeness culminated with Amber kicking my mouth in a struggle to stop her from throwing grass. It all went downhill from there, which is impressive because tracks are flat.

This week is doing its best to do me in. Jeff has been gone for kid bedtime 3/4 of the nights so far, and I have had to go out and be sociable half of the time or stay home and wrangle kids alone the other half of the time. Tonight it was all of the above: going out, being sociable at the track meet, and wrangling kids alone. I am tired. I am so thankful that my friend Danae and I have been sending each other video messages on Marco Polo so regularly this week, because she is helping me stay sane and remember to laugh.

We did not have family scripture time or prayer tonight. When we got home from the track meet, I brushed Amber's teeth and put her to bed. Rose took a shower, and Jay got on the computer for half an hour. I went and sat outside to recover my scattered wits. It was only then that I remembered that we forgot to do scripture time. For the second night in a row. Sigh. Tomorrow. There's always tomorrow. Just because we failed today, it doesn't mean we are doomed. All we can do is try again tomorrow. I just really wanted to read a few Easter-rific verses every night this week!

Friday, April 19th journal entry:
So tired. I had a beautiful sunrise run this morning and felt very refreshed and at peace when I got home. Sunrise really is the most hopeful, peaceful time of day. Yesterday's chaos was healed; today's chaos was on hold. Deep breath. Amber was contrary today and pestered me half to death until cartoon time at 1:30, whereupon I started desperately looking up preschool options for this coming fall.

But this morning we had a good moment: since we missed family scripture time on both Wednesday and Thursday, I gathered the kids to catch up on our daily Easter week reading before school. We read the New Testament verses listed in the Friend magazine, then sang one of the suggested songs: Gethsemane. I played it on the piano (not well) and tried to sing along with the kids. Even though I kept messing up and pausing to find the keys while we sang, I felt such a sweet loving spirit during our imperfect efforts. That song is so good and simple and speaks pure testimony so well. Jay took some persuasion to keep singing, but he joined in at last. Rose loves to sing, even though she doesn't really understand about singing actual notes very well yet, and I loved her energy and gusto singing "Jesus loves me, so he went willingly to Gethsemane."

I'm so glad I remembered to write that down because it was the absolute best part of my day and I am feeling very discouraged and worn out. It's always good to work on remembering the positive parts of the day when I feel discouraged, because I automatically remember the negatives and then I get more discouraged. I can do this. Tomorrow is the 4th track meet of the week. Adios, husband. Again.

{end journal entries}

On Saturday (April 20th) I felt so close to my breaking point all day. Decision fatigue, introvert overload, and tired-mom apathy all hit me hard. I still managed to DO things, like run 8 miles (at 6am before Jeff had to leave for track meet #4) and make the rolls for our upcoming Easter dinner, but the dough got all tangled in the greasy spring/attachment on the mixer, requiring me to trash chunks of dough, and the mixer took forever to clean. That tangled messy dough was kind of a microcosm of the day. Rose had a friend over all afternoon and I did a fair amount of hiding from the energy and kid-humor/questions. I let them all play computers from 2-4:30pm and didn't even feel a smidgen guilty about the long screen time. I played piano and finished reading a book and tried to hang on to the last shred of my sanity. Thankfully Jeff was home before 6pm, but I was too maxed out to fully appreciate his presence.

After all of that, Easter Sunday came.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin described it eloquently:

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come. (source: Joseph B. Wirthlin: Sunday Will Come, Oct 2006 General Conference)

My entire week leading up to Easter was more of a Friday--not the serious tragic type of Friday like the original Good Friday, but still rigorous and challenging for me personally. But then Sunday came. The girls dressed in floral dresses, the boys in snappy ties. The music at church was full of praise and worship. We had a porch full of extended family for lunch after church (6 adults, 7 kids). We sat in the sunshine and talked. Grama Leslie made a bunny-shaped cake. Everything was cleaned up and everyone had gone home by 3pm, and we enjoyed a very peaceful quiet Sunday afternoon, after which:

I watched the beautiful re-broadcast of the Tabernacle Choir's Easter concert.

We went for a 1.5 mile family walk along the canal in the glowy evening sunshine.

The kids got ready for bed/quiet time with relative ease, and things were calm by 7pm.

Then I remembered that we hadn't finished our last two days of Easter scriptures, so we got everyone back out of their rooms and read Saturday's and Sunday's scriptures and chose one song to sing. Rose had been looking forward to playing her simplified version of Did Jesus Really Live Again for us, so  she played very slowly with lots of pauses and mistakes, while we sang along as best we could. Then everyone went back to their quiet evening activities.

I thought I'd write a blog post about the contrast between the chaotic week and the peace of Easter Sunday (aka, this blog post), but the words would not come. The fatigue of the week was still too close and it felt exhausting to relive it all again so soon, so instead I went out to the front porch to sit and be still. It was such a lovely feeling to sit and soak in quiet nature and be alone with my thoughts. While I sat in my rocking chair on the porch, I felt overwhelmed with peace and gratitude for our beautiful happy Sunday. It was a tired happy calm relieved sort of feeling, very welcome after our chaotic exhausting week.

I am so grateful that Sunday always comes.

The kids on Easter, in our hurried 3 minute photo shoot on the way out the door for church (somehow we made it on time).

Artistically cropped off center because there was an ugly wheelbarrow on the left that I didn't notice in time.


Rewind to the WEEK in pictures:

Misty sunrise on the canal, during one of my runs.

Sunrise turning Mt. Adams pink, taken during one of my morning runs.

After Jay and Rose left for school, on Monday (April 15th), Amber and I went to Costco. Then we went to Randall Park before heading home. Amber had fun playing in the bright sunshine.

Ducks at Randall Park.

Pure undiluted mischief, with a massive rainbow on top: Amber.

All of Me: a piano success. I made it through this hard 10 pager with five flats for the first time ever after months of attempts. It took me 20 minutes.

Amber LOVES it when Rose comes home from school. She attacks Rose with hugs and squeezes.

Monday night egg hunt with friends.

Starting Wednesday off with a big milky cereal spill.

Redeeming Wednesday with a breezy sunny warm 7 mile jog. The sky's ability to turn the murky brown canal water brilliant blue fascinates me--a sparkling reminder of how much power there is in looking UP.

I sewed a dress with great difficulty.

Disciplining at the track meet.

More track meet: Jay's face says it all. Sigh.

Amby, outside for a combo time-out/enforced-play. She was not a fan.

Sunrise on Good Friday.

The cherry blossoms burst forth on Good Friday. I ran this route on Wednesday and they were barely a dusting of white in the orchard, but then on Friday, POOF!

Playing catch-up on the Easter scriptures.

I staged this picture after we finished singing Gethsemane, because sometimes I forget to write down memories if there's no picture to help me out.

My best friend/arch nemesis.

That speck is Amber running.

The fields behind our house have been plowed and prepped for planting of some sort. The tractor work has hampered our country rambles a bit, but times and seasons happen.


EASTER SUNDAY:

We went straight to selfie mode instead of trying the camera timer, and it was the right choice, even if you can barely see all of the happy flowery Easter-rific apparel.

Poor Jeff got several layers of sunburn at the track meets that week, so I created a black and white photo to nullify his red-ness.

The cousins came to our ward for church on Easter. 

It has been a while since we last took a cousin picture on Easter. (six years ago, in 2014)

We did not have time to find a better photo location, so another black and white image to decrease random dappled color distractions.

I never took a picture of our two end-to-end folding tables laden with feasting food (everyone brought something), but the joy when it was time to eat Grama's bunny cake was big. We named Ian, our next door neighbor, an official honorary White family member.

Proof that we've had worse (or is that better? haha...) Easter pictures: 2015.