December 9th

Seriously, sky? I’ll never get tired of you.

What do you know, today is the due date of my first pregnancy of 2012 (March 24th was the other one). This year was heavy-duty for our family. In April I had my first miscarriage. In May we bought a house. In August I sank into the abyss of another pregnancy. In October it ended. It’s so strange to have had 2 pregnancies in one year and no babies. I don’t think about my miscarriages in a mopey way, but I do think about them every now and then. It would be weird if I didn’t—I am female after all—but I’m not going to dress in black every December 9th and March 24th.

Mostly I think about what I learned from those trials, and what the Lord wants me to learn from them. Of course it’s hard to see everything good that came of such recent events, but I feel like I’ve already figured out a few “lessons.” I feel like I know the Lord better now and need him more. And my perspective on life has broadened and shifted a little. It makes me feel so much OLDER than I have ever felt in my whole life. Does that make any sense?

Jeff and I were talking about 2012 the other day, and I was trying to figure out how to explain how I feel—the best word really is OLDER. Feeling such a large array of emotions so intensely throughout a whole year aged me, folks! Usually I don’t notice how events in my life change me or shape me until long after they are over, but I noticed some changes a lot sooner this year.

I am so thankful for the contrast between sorrow and joy. Right now I feel so much happier than I ever have before. The good feelings are sort of intensified by memories of the blah ones—the blahs make me more thankful for the yays!

It’s so GOOD to know that even though Heavenly Father gives us trials, he wants us to be happy. When we figure out how to be happy in spite of “hardness,” that kind of happy is WAY deeper than any fleeting circumstantial happiness. I’m not only talking about miscarriage sorrow versus Christmas joys here either—even feeling grumpy one day and resolving to be cheery the next  provides the same contrast and true happiness for me! I don’t expect to be only happy all the time, but I do feel like I know how to find things to be happy about, in spite of any grrrs, blahs, or boos. Now the challenge is to remember this POWER and use it often, even when Rose drops the same slimy chunk of banana 3 times in a row and says “heow, Mommy!” (help, Mommy) every single time. Bananas are good for the skin anyways.